Face

I'm not okay, not even a little.

I can't talk to people, it hurts even to try. As if talking makes it more real. I don't even want to consider any possibilities, so I put it to the back of my mind.

But it's still there.

You can't break down. You can't put your life on hold. The world doesn't stop just because you're slowly falling inside. It doesn't help that you can't even say it out loud without bursting into tears. Talking about it in any real detail makes me want to run and hide.

I'm terrified. I can't remember the last time I was this scared about anything. But I need to be strong. If I can't be strong, then what is the point of making all that progress to arrive at this point.

Life doesn't stop just because you want it to. You can't stop just because you want to. Be strong, put your face on, and soldier forward. Not because you want to, because you have to.

Kex

A note

Just stop. Stop right now, don't let this go any further than it should.

Or you know where you'll end up..

Kexys

Abrasive

I genuinely thought I was done with this place. I felt like I'd worked everything through and no longer needed a place to vent. But as always is, I find myself increasingly growing more anxious and tense. It's probably something to do with my introverted nature.

If you don't understand introversion, it can be hard to explain. Its not that I don't like being in the company of others, it is more so that I find it draining, especially in larger groups. During the summer, I spent a great deal amount of time "On my own". Sure, I had my friends on Skype, but that's different, I could step away any time, so my internal energies were almost always full, and I had very little negative emotions. Now I'm back at Uni, and although I love it, and the people I meet, new and old, are all incredible, it drains me having to spend all day around them. This isn't anything about them, it's all on my head. I envy extroverts, people who seem to have it easy.

However, a large symptom of the negativity is massive thinking time. Thinking never aids situations, especially when you're me. I've been thinking a lot about my nature, and that, all in all, I'm a very abrasive person. The whole sarcasm thing is there to push people away. If you were to, or have read this blog, you could see why my world opinion is jaded, and keeping people at arms length is a necessary precaution for me.

Earlier this year, I broke my protective bubble. I took a chance on someone and opened my self completely to them. I explored myself, and told them things about me I have still never told anyone, and though at first she seemed to accept me, it all blew up again, as so often my life does. I have not since been able to open in any kind of way to anyone. My faith in others was totally trashed.

I figure, if I push you away myself, if I come off as abrasive as possible, then when you walk away from me, I'll know there was a reason for it, and it won't hurt so much. If I hide behind my sarcastic shell, then I don't have to worry about mine or anyone elses feelings, as everything is just passed off as "Oh look, he's being sarcastic again".

But it's a terribly lonely existence, being a shut off introvert. Being around people drains me, but being on my own makes me sad and lonely. But then, even when surrounded by people, I feel like I have to keep them all at arms length, and out of my bubble. If I don't then they could get in, and if they get in, they could leave. I don't know how many more leavers I can take.

I didn't know whether or not to write this. I've been toying with the idea for a few days now. This is one of my most personal blogs yet, bringing myself to tears whilst writing it. But I hope it will help you understand me, just a little bit more. I do love everyone in my life, no matter how much of a hard time I have showing it.

Kexys