So, I've not blogged in such a long time because, although this blog is meant to be for my own personal reflection, I do share it, people read it, and right now, I've opened up to a lot of people that they could understand a lot of the meanings behind the things I say, or who a certain part of the blog is directed at. As such, I've held it all inside, badly. This resulted in me going off at someone who i'd really rather not have. I'll try to explain later.
Basically, since last blogging, it has been a very stressful time. I've not coped well, but have somehow coped.
As much as I want to be friends with everyone, I know that cannot be the case, and it hurts every time that, say we've talked for ages the day before, because of the company you hold the next day, you don't even look at me. Problem is, I honestly just want to get along, so as much as I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking to you, I can't, because I actually like you. And no, this isn't about the most obvious person you're thinking of.
However, I've made friends with people that I really thought I wouldn't. Which is strange, as while we never saw eye to eye, we now agree on most things, it's nice. I guess perception can be warped by how well you actually know a person and others opinion of them.
The shows we did, while stressful in their nature, as shows are, hit very close to home on occasion. Both were about being upset and pushing those closest from you away, something that I could resonate very deeply with, and there were days when I had to pull myself out of that fantasy, as I was getting too lost in my own circumstance.
However, despite that hard process, the shows went amazingly, at least, I feel they did for myself. I got great feedback from people, including my singing tutor, whom I've always had the utmost respect for, telling me that my performance was perfect. That note actually made my year. The emotion memory brought to life by the focus of the shows really helped in those accords.
This year has been a veritable emotional train ride/wreck. It started on an all time low, and I dropped off the radar again, barely managing to stay afloat. And though, I did manage to bring myself back, it was never for me. I spent the entire year chasing the happiness of others, willing to devote myself to any cause other than myself, just to forget who I was for a while. And when there was noone to make happy, I simply became sad again.
I spent so long, believing I wasn't good enough for anything. Forever thinking that I deserved to be trodden on and treated like dirt, because noone else would even acknowledge me. I need to change that. I need to be happy for me, with myself. And that is my focus for this next year. Whatever happens, by this time next year, I will be happy with what I have become.
But still, as Tyrion Lannister so eloquently puts it: "I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things." I see someone who is on the outside, someone who is hurting, or just lost, and I want to help them. I lend pieces of my heart to anyone who needs them to mend their own, but such am left with nothing there myself, as it never gets returned. I know it will mend and regrow over time, but I need to stop giving it away to people with no intent on returning.
But then one, who, no matter how hard I seem to push, won't really leave, but I can see has already left. I told her everything, I poured my broken heart out and she took the brunt of it all and didn't run. And then with just a few words, unintentionally twisted the knife that was already stuck in there.
I wanted to hide, I wanted never to come out, and if it were not for a sense of obligation, I probably would have. After Uni finished, I became a lot worse at actually leaving the house again. However, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.
A new place has opened up in town. A place that feels right, there was no anxiety trigger when I first entered, and there has not been one yet. The people are amazing, and it feels like I actually have friends I can pop in and hang around with again. As far as recovery assets go, this is a shining beacon. I actually feel like part of a group I can include myself with now. Somewhere I can be that's not Uni or my bedroom. Bliss.
One of the reasons I didn't want to start writing today was that I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. I've barely covered any of the issues bothering me right now, and I'm already this far down. unfortunately, I still can't say half of the things I want to due to people reading. I don't care about what I'm saying making it difficult for me, it's when my writing starts putting out other people that I'm bothered, especially ones I care about.
But I don't know what to do. I want to just wait, let things be as they are and see what happens. But have you tried the wait and see approach with anxiety? You over analyse everything they say, everything the do, and especially, everything they don't say.
I want to be happy. I want to make people, especially someone, happy. I don't really care much about anything else. Is that a way to live your life? Probably not, but if I get what I want, then everything will be fine.
Life.. Well fuck.
Kexys
