You know what sucks? Being sick as an adult. Gone are the days of "Aww, get well soon" and "Let me help you out, you poor thing", replaced only by and general sense of disappointment because "you're an adult and you should be doing adult things, not laid up in bed feeling sorry for yourself"
I hate not being able to do things I know I'm supposed to. It fucks with my mental state. I'd so much rather be doing anything than be cooped up in my room. But due to (mainly) physical and mental illness, it is instead, a write off.
And now I feel worthless. Utter worthless. Lower than the dogshit that you wipe off your shoe. Sitting here now, it feels like there is a deep hole set into my chest, I can feel it burrowing and taking a hold of me, pulling me back down.
This probably sounds cliche, but there is the genuine thought in my head that everyone is only in fact tolerating me, and actually hates me. I'd sooner hide away than face anyone, because I don't want to shit all over their good day.
Looking at my history, I know I have ups and downs, and a down time was always going to be be lurking just around the corner. I don't have to like it, but it's there, and needs to be fought through. My moods are lower than normal right now, and being with people too much genuinely makes my skin crawl. Wearing the mask of being positive for too long is utterly exhausting.
Fighting through the shit, because I know I'll surface soon. It's just making it to that point. I know I'm going to be fragile for a while, and more abrasive than usual.. I'm sorry. I'm just, extremely low right now, and I know that makes me a pain to deal with. I don't expect people to put up with it, but I very much value everyone that does.
Kexys
