Existing is hard you know?
Sometimes it's harder than others, but even on the good days, it can be like swimming through syrup sometimes. Watching my mood fly up and down, like a heart monitor sets me on edge.
Take today, for example. It's a normal day, part of the holidays, a chance to relax and unwind, had a great night last night, decent amount of sleep, no nightmares etc, but I'm still gripped with a sense of impending doom. Don't know why, don't know how, wish I could stop it. I'm trying to be productive, but all of myself wants to curl up in bed and be done with the day. CBT helped. It's let me structure my day, and despite the great urge, I have not crawled into bed and hidden in the fetal position from the rest of the world sadnessing myself to sleep.
I think it's something about this time of year. Last year was particularly bad, for reasons, and my "worst day" happened about year ago now. Looking back, I am leaps and bounds on from that, and nothing has happened this year to warrant this feeling, in fact, the opposite, it has been a fantastic year. I've fallen in love with being a teacher, and the feeling it brings seeing students succeed is my new happy place. But I think the lingering effects of the last 8 years (Seriously, fuck January-April 2009-2016) has caused something in me that brings me down at this time of year for no reason.
What is worse, is that I have come to realise that one of the things I thought was a favourite past time, is something that I only do when I am sad, as an escape, a time sink or anything else, just as a way to numb whatever the feeling is that's bringing me down. This is saddening, as it is something that I really enjoyed, and honestly was kind of good at, but I feel now like doing it would only perpetuate the sadness and allow it to propagate and grow further.
Thankfully, my life has reached a point where I have a lot of other distractions. Living with friends helps massively. If I am feeling shit and wanting to escape there is still someone I can hide in the house with and not feel like a complete, lonely, friendless piece of trash. My family, one in particular is amazing at making me feel better about myself, and honestly, I am starting to feel good again about myself. Like I'm ready to make a change for the better.
Most of all though, I am incredibly grateful for all the friends I have made in the last few months. Thanks to my CBT, I have been outside more, with doing shows, FNM at the games store and just being out teaching, I feel like I have had the privilege to become friends with some of the best people I have ever met, and, even though they are relatively new in my life, have all been incredibly supportive in pushing me forward.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel like utter shit today, lower than the scum that you wouldn't even bother to wipe off of your show if you stepped in it. But I don't know why. I have so much in my life right now that I am thankful for. But let's be honest, if I understood it and was completely in control, it wouldn't be a mental illness, it would be a self-inflicted frame of mind. It's just about swimming through the syrup until the water clears up.
I wasn't sure where I was going with this, but I'm glad it ended up where it did. I feel a bit better now.
Kexys
