It's nice to finally be inspired to write again without a surge of depression or anger fueling my words. I finally feel like my feet have returned to their rightful place beneath my legs, no longer free-falling onto a path of life that I wasn't sure I wanted.
Tonight I went and watched my first live musical. I know, terrible right. I'm on a musical theater course without ever seeing a live musical. I love to sing, and I love to dance, and this was the best way to combine them. But now. I've seen what I want to do, what I want to be. I've wanted to teach for as long as I can remember, and that dream is still in the works, but if I can get out there and take my shot, then why the hell not.
I want to be a star.
I know it's hard. I know its a rocky path. I know so many people go into this business with more experience and everything than me. But I know that if I give it everything I have, I can be as good or better than everyone else. I want to take my shot, to be the one inspiring others like I was tonight.
So for 3 years, I'm going to give it everything I have. I'm going to get the solos, I'm going to be the one who makes the dream.
Just you try and stop me.
Kex
Thursday 25 October 2012
Thursday 4 October 2012
Take me as I am.
I'm Kexys. But you probably know me by a different name. I know some of you reading this know me in real life, and others know me as an online avatar and voice. To some of you I may be even a distant memory. But I have deceived all of you. You see only a mask, a character I wear so that I can face the day.
I try to be a good person, and for the most part, I hope I am. But I lie, and I cheat to further my causes or my relationships with people. I don't do anything serious, but within reason, I'll do whatever it takes to further myself. I dislike many things and have too many phobias about silly things. Lifts, heights, tumbling, but I think mainly it stems from being terrified of not being in control of myself, and by extension, my life. My biggest fear, however is abandonment. I constantly feel alone, no matter how many people I surround myself with.
I've always been an outcast, a geek and whatever other names you choose to call me, in every circle I'm in, there's something about me that throws people off. Because I choose to play trading card games and MMOs, I get segregated when I'm cheerleading or even within normal social circles. When I'm playing those games, I'm ripped on because I like to sing and dance, no matter where I go, I can't win.
But that's not why I'm here. Everyone knows these things about me anyway.
Too long ago, I was different to how I am now. I was confident, I was witty and just generally good to be around. I had everything I wanted. I lived with good friends in a good arrangement, I had a job that I was earning enough to live off. Days were long and fun. Then the first tremor shook, and I split with the girl I loved. I became tired of cheer after having so long without time off, so I took a break, meaning to go back. Then the Labyrinthitis struck, and for the next three months I couldn't do anything, not even stand up for elongated periods. Because of this time, I lost my job and all my savings paying bill and rent. By the time I was better, I'd put on several stone and had lost almost everything else. I thought things looked up, when I almost got back in a relationship with her, but I came to find out she had cheated on me with my best friend, and that broke me.
It took 6 months for the symptoms to escalate, but through various states of sleeplessness and anxiety, I realized I had been hit hard by depression. My new housemate didn't help at all, being a general cunt and causing stress with him not paying his bills. My "medication" just made me feel like a zombie, so I took myself off it and just wallowed for the next year. It wasn't until the following November (I was diagnosed in december) That I actually went for counselling and though I only had one session, I met a friend there. The first new friend I'd had in a year and a half. I'd forgotten what it was like to be around people, but to feel liked again was wonderful, and my first step to recovery.
Since then, I've recovered slightly. Enough to pass off as functioning in society. But still, going out in a morning terrifies me. The normal social interaction that everyone else finds so easy, I find difficult to emulate so I come across as unsocial, which I don't mean to at all. I love people, and being around others makes me happy, I just.. forgot how to do it. So I'm sorry if I'm not like you, but I try, and if you let me, I'll be a good friend to have.
I may not be deep in depression any more, but I still feel it's tremors. My social anxiety still runs strong, even if I can wear a mask over it. But please, don't pity me. Don't treat me different to anyone else, I don't want anything special, I just want to be treat like everyone else, treat like a person, and not a mental illness. Sometimes, all it takes is a little kindness, and maybe a friendly hug, and everything becomes better.
This is me, laid bare before you, exposing my weaknesses. Take from it what you will, but I hope you understand me a little more.
I try to be a good person, and for the most part, I hope I am. But I lie, and I cheat to further my causes or my relationships with people. I don't do anything serious, but within reason, I'll do whatever it takes to further myself. I dislike many things and have too many phobias about silly things. Lifts, heights, tumbling, but I think mainly it stems from being terrified of not being in control of myself, and by extension, my life. My biggest fear, however is abandonment. I constantly feel alone, no matter how many people I surround myself with.
I've always been an outcast, a geek and whatever other names you choose to call me, in every circle I'm in, there's something about me that throws people off. Because I choose to play trading card games and MMOs, I get segregated when I'm cheerleading or even within normal social circles. When I'm playing those games, I'm ripped on because I like to sing and dance, no matter where I go, I can't win.
But that's not why I'm here. Everyone knows these things about me anyway.
Too long ago, I was different to how I am now. I was confident, I was witty and just generally good to be around. I had everything I wanted. I lived with good friends in a good arrangement, I had a job that I was earning enough to live off. Days were long and fun. Then the first tremor shook, and I split with the girl I loved. I became tired of cheer after having so long without time off, so I took a break, meaning to go back. Then the Labyrinthitis struck, and for the next three months I couldn't do anything, not even stand up for elongated periods. Because of this time, I lost my job and all my savings paying bill and rent. By the time I was better, I'd put on several stone and had lost almost everything else. I thought things looked up, when I almost got back in a relationship with her, but I came to find out she had cheated on me with my best friend, and that broke me.
It took 6 months for the symptoms to escalate, but through various states of sleeplessness and anxiety, I realized I had been hit hard by depression. My new housemate didn't help at all, being a general cunt and causing stress with him not paying his bills. My "medication" just made me feel like a zombie, so I took myself off it and just wallowed for the next year. It wasn't until the following November (I was diagnosed in december) That I actually went for counselling and though I only had one session, I met a friend there. The first new friend I'd had in a year and a half. I'd forgotten what it was like to be around people, but to feel liked again was wonderful, and my first step to recovery.
Since then, I've recovered slightly. Enough to pass off as functioning in society. But still, going out in a morning terrifies me. The normal social interaction that everyone else finds so easy, I find difficult to emulate so I come across as unsocial, which I don't mean to at all. I love people, and being around others makes me happy, I just.. forgot how to do it. So I'm sorry if I'm not like you, but I try, and if you let me, I'll be a good friend to have.
I may not be deep in depression any more, but I still feel it's tremors. My social anxiety still runs strong, even if I can wear a mask over it. But please, don't pity me. Don't treat me different to anyone else, I don't want anything special, I just want to be treat like everyone else, treat like a person, and not a mental illness. Sometimes, all it takes is a little kindness, and maybe a friendly hug, and everything becomes better.
This is me, laid bare before you, exposing my weaknesses. Take from it what you will, but I hope you understand me a little more.
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