I need to get all this negative energy off myself before midnight. Not having anything disrupt the winter-een-mas vibe this year.
I've felt so lonely recently. Which I know is stupid because I'm surrounded by so many people. It feels almost like I exist independently of them sometimes, whilst at others, I feel smothered by them. The worst part about it is that I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't make things any easier to deal with feeling numb and having anxiety attacks in lessons. People don't understand, and even inadvertently make fun, adding to the stress. I suppose it's my own fault for trying to hide them, but guys, if you see me freaking out, don't torment me about it. Give me a hug damnit :(
Moving onwards, I don't want to dwell any more on that last thought, I've dragged that around for too long. As soon as tomorrow hits, I want a line drawn under this issue.
An hour until Wintereenmas hits. This is the first year I've not had it off work/uni since I was 18. Which is a shame, but I'll just have to go without sleep for the gaming festivities, and what a Wintereenmas it will be, I hope. With any luck, my league application will be approved, meaning I'll be able to TO again, and when I TO again, I can open a shop again! On top of that, I'll be getting back into several games I've not played in years, mostly away from the computer. It is a great deal of work, I'm not going to lie, but doing it will be a lot of fun, and should hopefully generate a little bit of extra income.
And of course Hair. I know it's not part of Wintereenmas, but it's still really enjoyable. Again, it's throwing work at us by the bucketload, but it's nothing we can't handle, and when we do the shows mid-march, we're going to rock the house! :D
Anyway, only a short one today guys. Peace and love. And smile :)
Kex
Thursday 24 January 2013
Thursday 3 January 2013
Review/Resolute
Lets be honest, most people make their resolutions at the new year with little to no intent on following them up. 2012 has been a long, strange trip fr me, and looking back at who I was, and what my aims were at the start of the year, I can barely believe where I have ended up.
For those of you who only met me this year, these words will still not be enough to show you the change I have undergone. I was broken and lost, unsure of my future, and I almost didn't care. I was waiting on my counselling to try and build myself back up, but I never ended up going. What pulled me back from the brink were the friends I made, and ultimately, singing.
As my confidence was building, I found my way to the FDMT carribiean night. Realizing that I actually knew a lot of people there (mainly ex-cheerleaders and NAPA students), I asked about the course, finally deciding that I wanted to go for it. I did my whole application that night, whilst drunk. And though there was a fair wait, I finally got my audition, and was accepted, which gave my confidence a much needed boost.
For the rest of the summer, my thoughts were on knuckling down and making myself well enough to go to Uni. During this time, someone hurt me, and I in turn hurt someone else. That's my largest regret of the year. I could say I'm sorry, but they are simply spoken words. Even so, I am indeed sorry for my actions.
By the summer, I had recovered enough of myself to go back to cheer again. I honestly have no greater love for anything than that that I have for my sport, and going back was just the best feeling in the world, even if, within a week, my nose suffered a nice clean break. I expected a broken bone to hurt more, really. Since then, we've gone away on 2 weekends, with our victory at IDTA being one of my highlights of this year.
With my vocal lessons at the Warren came the voice project, I hinted a lot at a Glee group, and this was a close second for me. I've always loved group and duet singing probably more than I do solo. Because of the Voice, I made new friends. The best part about being at the Warren is the fact that noone will judge you. I could be nothing but myself there, and still be accepted by all my friends.
Quicker than expected, September rolled around, and my life at Uni began. This was my testament to all the progress I had made, and all the people who have helped me make it. I had expected a lot of hard work, but I never expected to learn as much as I did in such a short time. I went in still unsure about myself, but the people around me helped me keep myself together.
Everyone in my class is amazing. No, literally every single person. There have been ups and downs between us all, but ultimately, I love every one of them. We came together as a class and put on our Revue show, which was a huge success, coming down to the fact of the talent of everyone involved, and the help of everyone involved in the production who dragged us along and pulled this show out of us.
I look back now to my new years resolutions of 2012, and I come away knowing that I accomplished most of them in some form. They may have been done indirectly, but they are all a success:
1) Get a job. Not a job as such, but I am at Uni, which is a good equivalent for me. I also do Saturdays at the bar, which I do really enjoy.
2) Get my ass back to cheer. I already covered this one! Successful resolution.
3) Conquer this anxiety. I'm not all there yet, but my improvement is phenomenal I feel like I can keep making steps forward.
4) Get a girlfriend. Complicated one. Even I'm not sure where this stands, being right now or the whole rest of the year. My bonds with other people, especially females from my past have changed drastically, and now I'm in a convoluted mess I would very much like to escape from. The underlying concept of this however, although not a success, I consider the bonds I have formed with others to be far more valuable at the moment.
5) Try to be nicer to everyone. Heh, lame right. I think I may have ascended to sainthood though, when a guy who punched me (in my already broken nose no less), I ended up walking him home and giving him a hug. I think I'll make a slightly altered version of this for next year though :)
So yeah, mostly a success. I'd give myself a healthy 4/5 for resolutions, which is a success in my book. Now is the time to look forward, and plan for next year. I want 5 again, but I'm not sure what yet, we'll see what comes out:
1) Fix my health. Fitness! I keep saying it, and while I have lost weight and gotten fitter, I'm still not at the standard that I would like to be, so lets make a regime and stick to it. Hit the gym (When the funding comes through) Sort yourself out!
2) Up your confidence! In a similar vein to my anxiety from last year, I feel confident in myself enough to function, now I need to be confident enough to perform to people that aren't myself!
3) Become more organised, and pass this year. Organisation is by far my biggest flaw in my Uni work. I pledge to have a draft ready 2 weeks before the hand in date, and make sure each piece of work is checked through by the tutors, and submitted BEFORE the deadline day.
4) Continue to form and strengthen bonds. I know, this is commonplace for most people, but for someone like me who finds social interaction hard, this is a big thing. It's not that I don't enjoy social interaction, I'm just not too good at it, and that makes me come across as awkward.
5) Not let myself get overworked and lose myself. I want to do everything I need to to succeed, but I realize after a long 3 months that I also need to find time to myself to game, write, and reply to E-mails more often (sorry Aki-chan <3)
There we go, 5 resolutions. I reckon I can manage them. I'll start the Re:fit blog when my funding comes through and I can actually do things properly, no excuses this time Joe! Anyway thanks for sticking out this far, I know it's been a long one, I wanted to write acknowledgements about all the people in my life this year, but I don't think I'd ever stop writing.
Mum
Dad
Lucy
Adam
Bessie
Emily
Ellie
Sue
Aki-Chan
Jade
Helen
Katie, Lauren, Rosie, Carly and everyone at the Warren
Julie, Sheridan, Maget, Ben, Staci, Joe, Danny, Stocksy, Craig, Leah, Gentah, Beth, Squid, Shannon,
Becca, Imogen, Ruby, Ella, Jessica and any other Redz/DWS that I may have missed.
Chip, Sara, Marc, Richard, Ginger, Maurice, T3, Terry, Tom and the rest of Humberside Wargames society.
Aelius, Aaron, Matt, Doushie, Darthax, Lynora, Elva, Dayle, Eminos, Free, Lich, Ryan, and the rest of UE
Tom, Jade, Nommy, Bannah, Shaun, Ben, Samba, Jess, Sarah, Abbie, Amy, Stuart, Jack, Eli, Jesus, Mikey, and everyone else on the Musical Theater course.
Kerrie, Brian, Val, Mark, Sue, Jez and Becky, our tutors
And everyone else who has made an impact on my life this year.
Thank you all for being the most amazing people. I feel honoured to be friends with you.
Have a great 2013 everyone,
Kex
For those of you who only met me this year, these words will still not be enough to show you the change I have undergone. I was broken and lost, unsure of my future, and I almost didn't care. I was waiting on my counselling to try and build myself back up, but I never ended up going. What pulled me back from the brink were the friends I made, and ultimately, singing.
As my confidence was building, I found my way to the FDMT carribiean night. Realizing that I actually knew a lot of people there (mainly ex-cheerleaders and NAPA students), I asked about the course, finally deciding that I wanted to go for it. I did my whole application that night, whilst drunk. And though there was a fair wait, I finally got my audition, and was accepted, which gave my confidence a much needed boost.
For the rest of the summer, my thoughts were on knuckling down and making myself well enough to go to Uni. During this time, someone hurt me, and I in turn hurt someone else. That's my largest regret of the year. I could say I'm sorry, but they are simply spoken words. Even so, I am indeed sorry for my actions.
By the summer, I had recovered enough of myself to go back to cheer again. I honestly have no greater love for anything than that that I have for my sport, and going back was just the best feeling in the world, even if, within a week, my nose suffered a nice clean break. I expected a broken bone to hurt more, really. Since then, we've gone away on 2 weekends, with our victory at IDTA being one of my highlights of this year.
With my vocal lessons at the Warren came the voice project, I hinted a lot at a Glee group, and this was a close second for me. I've always loved group and duet singing probably more than I do solo. Because of the Voice, I made new friends. The best part about being at the Warren is the fact that noone will judge you. I could be nothing but myself there, and still be accepted by all my friends.
Quicker than expected, September rolled around, and my life at Uni began. This was my testament to all the progress I had made, and all the people who have helped me make it. I had expected a lot of hard work, but I never expected to learn as much as I did in such a short time. I went in still unsure about myself, but the people around me helped me keep myself together.
Everyone in my class is amazing. No, literally every single person. There have been ups and downs between us all, but ultimately, I love every one of them. We came together as a class and put on our Revue show, which was a huge success, coming down to the fact of the talent of everyone involved, and the help of everyone involved in the production who dragged us along and pulled this show out of us.
I look back now to my new years resolutions of 2012, and I come away knowing that I accomplished most of them in some form. They may have been done indirectly, but they are all a success:
1) Get a job. Not a job as such, but I am at Uni, which is a good equivalent for me. I also do Saturdays at the bar, which I do really enjoy.
2) Get my ass back to cheer. I already covered this one! Successful resolution.
3) Conquer this anxiety. I'm not all there yet, but my improvement is phenomenal I feel like I can keep making steps forward.
4) Get a girlfriend. Complicated one. Even I'm not sure where this stands, being right now or the whole rest of the year. My bonds with other people, especially females from my past have changed drastically, and now I'm in a convoluted mess I would very much like to escape from. The underlying concept of this however, although not a success, I consider the bonds I have formed with others to be far more valuable at the moment.
5) Try to be nicer to everyone. Heh, lame right. I think I may have ascended to sainthood though, when a guy who punched me (in my already broken nose no less), I ended up walking him home and giving him a hug. I think I'll make a slightly altered version of this for next year though :)
So yeah, mostly a success. I'd give myself a healthy 4/5 for resolutions, which is a success in my book. Now is the time to look forward, and plan for next year. I want 5 again, but I'm not sure what yet, we'll see what comes out:
1) Fix my health. Fitness! I keep saying it, and while I have lost weight and gotten fitter, I'm still not at the standard that I would like to be, so lets make a regime and stick to it. Hit the gym (When the funding comes through) Sort yourself out!
2) Up your confidence! In a similar vein to my anxiety from last year, I feel confident in myself enough to function, now I need to be confident enough to perform to people that aren't myself!
3) Become more organised, and pass this year. Organisation is by far my biggest flaw in my Uni work. I pledge to have a draft ready 2 weeks before the hand in date, and make sure each piece of work is checked through by the tutors, and submitted BEFORE the deadline day.
4) Continue to form and strengthen bonds. I know, this is commonplace for most people, but for someone like me who finds social interaction hard, this is a big thing. It's not that I don't enjoy social interaction, I'm just not too good at it, and that makes me come across as awkward.
5) Not let myself get overworked and lose myself. I want to do everything I need to to succeed, but I realize after a long 3 months that I also need to find time to myself to game, write, and reply to E-mails more often (sorry Aki-chan <3)
There we go, 5 resolutions. I reckon I can manage them. I'll start the Re:fit blog when my funding comes through and I can actually do things properly, no excuses this time Joe! Anyway thanks for sticking out this far, I know it's been a long one, I wanted to write acknowledgements about all the people in my life this year, but I don't think I'd ever stop writing.
Mum
Dad
Lucy
Adam
Bessie
Emily
Ellie
Sue
Aki-Chan
Jade
Helen
Katie, Lauren, Rosie, Carly and everyone at the Warren
Julie, Sheridan, Maget, Ben, Staci, Joe, Danny, Stocksy, Craig, Leah, Gentah, Beth, Squid, Shannon,
Becca, Imogen, Ruby, Ella, Jessica and any other Redz/DWS that I may have missed.
Chip, Sara, Marc, Richard, Ginger, Maurice, T3, Terry, Tom and the rest of Humberside Wargames society.
Aelius, Aaron, Matt, Doushie, Darthax, Lynora, Elva, Dayle, Eminos, Free, Lich, Ryan, and the rest of UE
Tom, Jade, Nommy, Bannah, Shaun, Ben, Samba, Jess, Sarah, Abbie, Amy, Stuart, Jack, Eli, Jesus, Mikey, and everyone else on the Musical Theater course.
Kerrie, Brian, Val, Mark, Sue, Jez and Becky, our tutors
And everyone else who has made an impact on my life this year.
Thank you all for being the most amazing people. I feel honoured to be friends with you.
Have a great 2013 everyone,
Kex
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