Down time

You know what sucks? Being sick as an adult. Gone are the days of "Aww, get well soon" and "Let me help you out, you poor thing", replaced only by and general sense of disappointment because "you're an adult and you should be doing adult things, not laid up in bed feeling sorry for yourself"

I hate not being able to do things I know I'm supposed to. It fucks with my mental state. I'd so much rather be doing anything than be cooped up in my room. But due to (mainly) physical and mental illness, it is instead, a write off.

And now I feel worthless. Utter worthless. Lower than the dogshit that you wipe off your shoe. Sitting here now, it feels like there is a deep hole set into my chest, I can feel it burrowing and taking a hold of me, pulling me back down.

This probably sounds cliche, but there is the genuine thought in my head that everyone is only in fact tolerating me, and actually hates me. I'd sooner hide away than face anyone, because I don't want to shit all over their good day.

Looking at my history, I know I have ups and downs, and a down time was always going to be be lurking just around the corner. I don't have to like it, but it's there, and needs to be fought through. My moods are lower than normal right now, and being with people too much genuinely makes my skin crawl. Wearing the mask of being positive for too long is utterly exhausting.

Fighting through the shit, because I know I'll surface soon. It's just making it to that point. I know I'm going to be fragile for a while, and more abrasive than usual.. I'm sorry. I'm just, extremely low right now, and I know that makes me a pain to deal with. I don't expect people to put up with it, but I very much value everyone that does.

Kexys

hAZe

How the fuck do you keep doing this?

You mess me about.

You mess me up.

You hurt me so bad I feel like I'll never recover.

Like, seriously bad..

But I do.

Then one glance.

ONE FUCKING SMILE.

And I break all over again.

Get out of my head.

I hate that, even after everything, I STILL have these feelings.

I was okay.

I was getting better.

It's terrifying.

... I was actually thinking of you, then there you were.

I just..

Stop..

STOP.

I hate that I have no bad words for you.

I hate that I can't hate you..

Rules for a better life

Turnaround in full swing! Time to get my life on track, and for that, there's a few "rules" to follow to be happy. As of right now, let's start doing this.

1) If something makes you unhappy, stop it.
This kind of goes without saying, but I'll be damned if so many people carry on making themselves unhappy for some misguided, self assured reason that it will get better. It won't. Whether it's a person, or an activity, or anything, if it's bringing you down, stop doing it.

2) Treat people the way they treat you.
Not this Bullshit of how you should treat people the way you want to be treated, you'll be walked all over. Be good to the people who are good to you, and the people that aren't, aren't worth your effort. Don't go out of your way to be nasty, hate begets more hate, but don't go out of your way to be good to them either.

2.1) Don't have time for people who don't have time for you.
I'm an especially big culprit for this one. People will not have time for me, and I'll be practically at their beck and call when they want me. It's not healthy or fair. And if you're one of those people stringing someone along as a friend who you use for anything, you need to stop, because that's just as toxic.

3) Live healthy.
This encompasses many points. For me it's diet, sleep, and exercise. Having a "good diet" doesn't mean "go on a diet", it just means eating the right amount of good food and not a load of crap. Sleep is straight forward, but a good sleeping pattern is imperative to health. And exercise doesn't have to be anything major, although joining a gym to do cardio would be great, just walking and getting out more in general should show an improvement.

4) Some people really do want to help, don't push them away.
One of the hardest things to realise, when you're dealing with a mental illness, is that in between the hordes of people who couldn't care or are deliberately antagonistic toward you, there are the shining 

few decent people who only want to help. Let them. Don't throw them away.

5) Be responsible, but take time for yourself too.
As an adult, you have responsibilities to fulfill, some of which can be mountains for people in my position, but you have to break through or you'll tumble further. Equally, it's important to find your time to recharge and do the things you enjoy. All work and no play is the beginning of the descent into madness.

And there we have it, 5 and a bit rules to be happy. I'm sure I'll think of more, but 5 is enough for now. Keep smiling folks.

Kexys

Making Waves

For those of you who perhaps don't know me well, but still choose to read my blog:

Thank you.

This is how I cope. This is how I get rid of all the negativity inside. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking to make people worry. I write this to get it all out of my head and give myself permission to stop thinking about everything.

Since my meltdown a few days ago, I've had so many people come to me and offer an ear, tell me that its okay, and everything in between. I appreciate this so much, even if I don't always show it in my broken down state.

Besides my messed up sleeping pattern, I'm feeling a lot better in myself again. There is no need to worry, no cause for concern.

The truth is, I expected this low for a while and was prepared for it.

A few months ago, I was happier than I had been in a long time, and that makes waves, as generally, the happier I am in my up, the worse I get in my down.

I have weathered that storm, and I'm passed the worst of it. There's no need to worry, honestly, I'm okay.

Now if I could only get my sleeping pattern sorted..

Kexys

You don't know

In tears before I start this one. This is probably going to be a really depressing read, you may not think of me the same afterwards, but I can't hold it in anymore.

I'm fine. I'm always fine.

I have the strongest family in the world. I was born into the strongest, most hard working family of people with such spirit that they will fight forever. With people that are so talented, or clever, or good at something that everyone has some reason to shine. But I am absolutely ordinary. I'm not good at anything, I'm useless. But I'm just like them. I'm a fighter. I don't drag people down with me.

So you don't know.

You don't know how hard these last months have been for me.

You don't know that my heart was utterly ripped out, and that I had to face that reality every day for a month.

You don't know that one of my best friends died 2 weeks ago. You don't know that something random will remind me of him at least once a day and I'll start crying all over again. You don't know that, even though we never met, he was one of my rocks.

You don't know that, some days, /I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because my body feels so heavy that it physically won't move. You don't know that I hide in my room because the thought of talking to anyone makes me physically shake.

You don't know know that, most mornings, I wake up in tears, or terrified because my nightmares are so vivid and real.

You don't know that in the 8 days combined I've probably had about 18 hours sleep.

You don't know that, all but once in the last month, my friends have cancelled trips to see them. Only once or twice per person, but all of them.

You don't know that I've given up on the doctors, because antidepressants make me feel worse, and the people they send me to talk to don't care enough to keep contact.

You don't know that I'm too scared to talk to people that I haven't in a while because I think they'll hate me, no matter how much I want and need to see them.

You don't know that I subconsciously sabotage myself whenever I talk to someone new because I feel like I don't deserve friends or anything more. That if I push them away then it won't hurt as much when they leave.

You don't know that about a month and a half ago I swallowed 2 packs of pills and a load of alcohol before I realised I was an idiot and promptly threw it back up.

You don't know how much your approval means to me. You don't know how much I just want to make everyone proud. How all I want to do is to make people happy. I just want to see the people I care about smile.

You don't know how much of myself I give away to fix people, because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone feel as shit about themselves as I do about.

You don't know that I don't see a future. That everything ahead is just black.

You don't know that the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't bear to inflict all that pain on any of you. But you don't realise how much pain I bear. I can't take it alone any more. I just need somebody.

Please, save me.

Kexys

Final day.

"Do not cry because it is over, but smile because it happened"

It's been a long time coming, but today is my final day. The end of who I was, my identity is over. It's not as if it wasn't seen to be coming, there has been a mist in the air for a long time now, as I barely managed to stay afloat whilst treading water. But now my body is tired and I'm getting nowhere, so it needs to end.

No more will I be walked over. No more will I be used. No more will I have to tolerate the lies, and the selfishness and the shit. No more will I hate myself.

I'm sick of seeing the selfishness in people. Using others for their own ends. Hurting people to make themselves feel better. There are some truly amazing people out there in this world, but they are so few and far between. The ones I have had the privilege to meet however, whether they liked me or not, are my real heroes.

I'm tired of feeling like this. Of having an inescapable void in my chest dredging down everything I care about. Of having arguments in my head because I always manage to say the wrong thing. I don't have ill intent for anyone, I just want to see people happy, and I do often fail at even that.

I'm tired of holding on for people that don't deserve it. I'm tired of always finishing in second. I hate that no matter how hard I work, no matter how good I am, life is simply a popularity contest that my social anxiety fucks up at every turn it can.

I do everything I can to be a good person, though that makes me an asshole, because I tell you how it is. I'd sooner have you hate me and be okay, than to love me and be sad. But it's incredibly lonely.

Today will be my final day, for tomorrow, I do not know who I will awake as, but I refuse to spend on more day as this person. I will have to give up parts of me I never thought I would. But without that, I would truly be dead.