Making Waves

For those of you who perhaps don't know me well, but still choose to read my blog:

Thank you.

This is how I cope. This is how I get rid of all the negativity inside. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking to make people worry. I write this to get it all out of my head and give myself permission to stop thinking about everything.

Since my meltdown a few days ago, I've had so many people come to me and offer an ear, tell me that its okay, and everything in between. I appreciate this so much, even if I don't always show it in my broken down state.

Besides my messed up sleeping pattern, I'm feeling a lot better in myself again. There is no need to worry, no cause for concern.

The truth is, I expected this low for a while and was prepared for it.

A few months ago, I was happier than I had been in a long time, and that makes waves, as generally, the happier I am in my up, the worse I get in my down.

I have weathered that storm, and I'm passed the worst of it. There's no need to worry, honestly, I'm okay.

Now if I could only get my sleeping pattern sorted..

Kexys

You don't know

In tears before I start this one. This is probably going to be a really depressing read, you may not think of me the same afterwards, but I can't hold it in anymore.

I'm fine. I'm always fine.

I have the strongest family in the world. I was born into the strongest, most hard working family of people with such spirit that they will fight forever. With people that are so talented, or clever, or good at something that everyone has some reason to shine. But I am absolutely ordinary. I'm not good at anything, I'm useless. But I'm just like them. I'm a fighter. I don't drag people down with me.

So you don't know.

You don't know how hard these last months have been for me.

You don't know that my heart was utterly ripped out, and that I had to face that reality every day for a month.

You don't know that one of my best friends died 2 weeks ago. You don't know that something random will remind me of him at least once a day and I'll start crying all over again. You don't know that, even though we never met, he was one of my rocks.

You don't know that, some days, /I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because my body feels so heavy that it physically won't move. You don't know that I hide in my room because the thought of talking to anyone makes me physically shake.

You don't know know that, most mornings, I wake up in tears, or terrified because my nightmares are so vivid and real.

You don't know that in the 8 days combined I've probably had about 18 hours sleep.

You don't know that, all but once in the last month, my friends have cancelled trips to see them. Only once or twice per person, but all of them.

You don't know that I've given up on the doctors, because antidepressants make me feel worse, and the people they send me to talk to don't care enough to keep contact.

You don't know that I'm too scared to talk to people that I haven't in a while because I think they'll hate me, no matter how much I want and need to see them.

You don't know that I subconsciously sabotage myself whenever I talk to someone new because I feel like I don't deserve friends or anything more. That if I push them away then it won't hurt as much when they leave.

You don't know that about a month and a half ago I swallowed 2 packs of pills and a load of alcohol before I realised I was an idiot and promptly threw it back up.

You don't know how much your approval means to me. You don't know how much I just want to make everyone proud. How all I want to do is to make people happy. I just want to see the people I care about smile.

You don't know how much of myself I give away to fix people, because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone feel as shit about themselves as I do about.

You don't know that I don't see a future. That everything ahead is just black.

You don't know that the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't bear to inflict all that pain on any of you. But you don't realise how much pain I bear. I can't take it alone any more. I just need somebody.

Please, save me.

Kexys