Low

So I've tried desperately not to write a blog for a while. I've wanted to be strong and fight through it, and for the most part, I've managed that. This isn't a pleasant, heart warming, inspiring blog like some of the content on here, and honestly, reading it is probably not good for you, not the state I'm in.

This year has been absolutely crushing.
The pressure
The workload
Expectations
Responsibilities
People

I can't breathe.

I feel like, right now, everyone dislikes me. Like, I don't have a single person in this world who wants to spend time around me, any more than they have to.

I hate that I feel that I bring everyone around me down. I only want to help people, I only want to do my best to make people happy, so why do I fuck it up.

I can't go more than a few days without my brain snapping and savaging my positive thoughts, it's like, no matter how hard I try I can't pull myself out of this pit of worthlessness.

It's constant. It's every night. I have to go out every day and put on a front of strength. Like I duct tape myself back together before I step out of the door and it just about manages to hold until I reach home again and I fall apart. Sometimes the pieces slip loose during the day, but mostly I hold it together, keep the mask on, enforce the illusion. But being at home is a constant ebb and flow of picking up the peices and watching them break all over again.

It's so lonely. Everytime a friend gets close I push them back, keep your distance, where it's safe. I'm dangerous, I'm broken and the jagged pieces will hurt anyone who gets too close. I wish I could explain how it feels, but it's something that cannot be expressed in words.

My therapist is working in a sense. I am being more productive and putting myself out there more. But my mood isn't improving, if anything, it feels worse. All the time holding it together is taking its toll, I feel like I'm about to shatter, and this time, I don't know if I'll have the strength to pick up the pieces again.

I'm sorry. Thank you, if you've read this far, I appreciate everything you all do for me. I have some fantastic people in my life, and if it wasn't for them, I'm sure I wouldn't still be here. You're the reason I exist.

Thank you,
Kexys