Karma

So I made a similar post to this a while back, talking about how karma holds us all up. About how being a decent person works. I had a crisis today: whats the point in being a good person?

I work a lot to make people happy, in general, i would give anything to make people I care for happy, or comfortable, or to just help out. Seeing people sad makes me sad. Knowing I have helped make someone happy fills me with pride. Not happiness, thats a rarity these days.

I try to act and conduct myself in a way I see as honourable. I keep my promises and I actively do my best to be encouraging and help anyone in need, regardless of familiarity.

So why does doing the right thing feel so shit? Why does being a good person actively make my life harder. Surely, thinking of karmic justice, being good should be rewarded? So then why is it that, no matter what I do I end up sinking lower and lower. It feels like sinking slowly into quicksand slowly, the deeper I sink, the harder it becomes to fight back, and though fighting back may offer a temporary reprieve, it inevitably leads to sinking faster.

Im not in a good place right now, it's been a rough month to keep afloat. Sleeping is sporadic at best, getting up in the morning is hard. But im slogging on. Im managing to do things through it, which is an improvement. Moods lower than tbose which have previously kept me homebound are now conquerable, if barely.

But is it wrong to want to be happy? Is it wrong to want to feel good for being a good person? Is it wrong to not want to feel this low anymore?

Argh :-/
Kexys