Down time

You know what sucks? Being sick as an adult. Gone are the days of "Aww, get well soon" and "Let me help you out, you poor thing", replaced only by and general sense of disappointment because "you're an adult and you should be doing adult things, not laid up in bed feeling sorry for yourself"

I hate not being able to do things I know I'm supposed to. It fucks with my mental state. I'd so much rather be doing anything than be cooped up in my room. But due to (mainly) physical and mental illness, it is instead, a write off.

And now I feel worthless. Utter worthless. Lower than the dogshit that you wipe off your shoe. Sitting here now, it feels like there is a deep hole set into my chest, I can feel it burrowing and taking a hold of me, pulling me back down.

This probably sounds cliche, but there is the genuine thought in my head that everyone is only in fact tolerating me, and actually hates me. I'd sooner hide away than face anyone, because I don't want to shit all over their good day.

Looking at my history, I know I have ups and downs, and a down time was always going to be be lurking just around the corner. I don't have to like it, but it's there, and needs to be fought through. My moods are lower than normal right now, and being with people too much genuinely makes my skin crawl. Wearing the mask of being positive for too long is utterly exhausting.

Fighting through the shit, because I know I'll surface soon. It's just making it to that point. I know I'm going to be fragile for a while, and more abrasive than usual.. I'm sorry. I'm just, extremely low right now, and I know that makes me a pain to deal with. I don't expect people to put up with it, but I very much value everyone that does.

Kexys

hAZe

How the fuck do you keep doing this?

You mess me about.

You mess me up.

You hurt me so bad I feel like I'll never recover.

Like, seriously bad..

But I do.

Then one glance.

ONE FUCKING SMILE.

And I break all over again.

Get out of my head.

I hate that, even after everything, I STILL have these feelings.

I was okay.

I was getting better.

It's terrifying.

... I was actually thinking of you, then there you were.

I just..

Stop..

STOP.

I hate that I have no bad words for you.

I hate that I can't hate you..

Rules for a better life

Turnaround in full swing! Time to get my life on track, and for that, there's a few "rules" to follow to be happy. As of right now, let's start doing this.

1) If something makes you unhappy, stop it.
This kind of goes without saying, but I'll be damned if so many people carry on making themselves unhappy for some misguided, self assured reason that it will get better. It won't. Whether it's a person, or an activity, or anything, if it's bringing you down, stop doing it.

2) Treat people the way they treat you.
Not this Bullshit of how you should treat people the way you want to be treated, you'll be walked all over. Be good to the people who are good to you, and the people that aren't, aren't worth your effort. Don't go out of your way to be nasty, hate begets more hate, but don't go out of your way to be good to them either.

2.1) Don't have time for people who don't have time for you.
I'm an especially big culprit for this one. People will not have time for me, and I'll be practically at their beck and call when they want me. It's not healthy or fair. And if you're one of those people stringing someone along as a friend who you use for anything, you need to stop, because that's just as toxic.

3) Live healthy.
This encompasses many points. For me it's diet, sleep, and exercise. Having a "good diet" doesn't mean "go on a diet", it just means eating the right amount of good food and not a load of crap. Sleep is straight forward, but a good sleeping pattern is imperative to health. And exercise doesn't have to be anything major, although joining a gym to do cardio would be great, just walking and getting out more in general should show an improvement.

4) Some people really do want to help, don't push them away.
One of the hardest things to realise, when you're dealing with a mental illness, is that in between the hordes of people who couldn't care or are deliberately antagonistic toward you, there are the shining 

few decent people who only want to help. Let them. Don't throw them away.

5) Be responsible, but take time for yourself too.
As an adult, you have responsibilities to fulfill, some of which can be mountains for people in my position, but you have to break through or you'll tumble further. Equally, it's important to find your time to recharge and do the things you enjoy. All work and no play is the beginning of the descent into madness.

And there we have it, 5 and a bit rules to be happy. I'm sure I'll think of more, but 5 is enough for now. Keep smiling folks.

Kexys

Making Waves

For those of you who perhaps don't know me well, but still choose to read my blog:

Thank you.

This is how I cope. This is how I get rid of all the negativity inside. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking to make people worry. I write this to get it all out of my head and give myself permission to stop thinking about everything.

Since my meltdown a few days ago, I've had so many people come to me and offer an ear, tell me that its okay, and everything in between. I appreciate this so much, even if I don't always show it in my broken down state.

Besides my messed up sleeping pattern, I'm feeling a lot better in myself again. There is no need to worry, no cause for concern.

The truth is, I expected this low for a while and was prepared for it.

A few months ago, I was happier than I had been in a long time, and that makes waves, as generally, the happier I am in my up, the worse I get in my down.

I have weathered that storm, and I'm passed the worst of it. There's no need to worry, honestly, I'm okay.

Now if I could only get my sleeping pattern sorted..

Kexys

You don't know

In tears before I start this one. This is probably going to be a really depressing read, you may not think of me the same afterwards, but I can't hold it in anymore.

I'm fine. I'm always fine.

I have the strongest family in the world. I was born into the strongest, most hard working family of people with such spirit that they will fight forever. With people that are so talented, or clever, or good at something that everyone has some reason to shine. But I am absolutely ordinary. I'm not good at anything, I'm useless. But I'm just like them. I'm a fighter. I don't drag people down with me.

So you don't know.

You don't know how hard these last months have been for me.

You don't know that my heart was utterly ripped out, and that I had to face that reality every day for a month.

You don't know that one of my best friends died 2 weeks ago. You don't know that something random will remind me of him at least once a day and I'll start crying all over again. You don't know that, even though we never met, he was one of my rocks.

You don't know that, some days, /I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because my body feels so heavy that it physically won't move. You don't know that I hide in my room because the thought of talking to anyone makes me physically shake.

You don't know know that, most mornings, I wake up in tears, or terrified because my nightmares are so vivid and real.

You don't know that in the 8 days combined I've probably had about 18 hours sleep.

You don't know that, all but once in the last month, my friends have cancelled trips to see them. Only once or twice per person, but all of them.

You don't know that I've given up on the doctors, because antidepressants make me feel worse, and the people they send me to talk to don't care enough to keep contact.

You don't know that I'm too scared to talk to people that I haven't in a while because I think they'll hate me, no matter how much I want and need to see them.

You don't know that I subconsciously sabotage myself whenever I talk to someone new because I feel like I don't deserve friends or anything more. That if I push them away then it won't hurt as much when they leave.

You don't know that about a month and a half ago I swallowed 2 packs of pills and a load of alcohol before I realised I was an idiot and promptly threw it back up.

You don't know how much your approval means to me. You don't know how much I just want to make everyone proud. How all I want to do is to make people happy. I just want to see the people I care about smile.

You don't know how much of myself I give away to fix people, because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone feel as shit about themselves as I do about.

You don't know that I don't see a future. That everything ahead is just black.

You don't know that the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't bear to inflict all that pain on any of you. But you don't realise how much pain I bear. I can't take it alone any more. I just need somebody.

Please, save me.

Kexys

Final day.

"Do not cry because it is over, but smile because it happened"

It's been a long time coming, but today is my final day. The end of who I was, my identity is over. It's not as if it wasn't seen to be coming, there has been a mist in the air for a long time now, as I barely managed to stay afloat whilst treading water. But now my body is tired and I'm getting nowhere, so it needs to end.

No more will I be walked over. No more will I be used. No more will I have to tolerate the lies, and the selfishness and the shit. No more will I hate myself.

I'm sick of seeing the selfishness in people. Using others for their own ends. Hurting people to make themselves feel better. There are some truly amazing people out there in this world, but they are so few and far between. The ones I have had the privilege to meet however, whether they liked me or not, are my real heroes.

I'm tired of feeling like this. Of having an inescapable void in my chest dredging down everything I care about. Of having arguments in my head because I always manage to say the wrong thing. I don't have ill intent for anyone, I just want to see people happy, and I do often fail at even that.

I'm tired of holding on for people that don't deserve it. I'm tired of always finishing in second. I hate that no matter how hard I work, no matter how good I am, life is simply a popularity contest that my social anxiety fucks up at every turn it can.

I do everything I can to be a good person, though that makes me an asshole, because I tell you how it is. I'd sooner have you hate me and be okay, than to love me and be sad. But it's incredibly lonely.

Today will be my final day, for tomorrow, I do not know who I will awake as, but I refuse to spend on more day as this person. I will have to give up parts of me I never thought I would. But without that, I would truly be dead.

Catch up

So, I've not blogged in such a long time because, although this blog is meant to be for my own personal reflection, I do share it, people read it, and right now, I've opened up to a lot of people that they could understand a lot of the meanings behind the things I say, or who a certain part of the blog is directed at. As such, I've held it all inside, badly. This resulted in me going off at someone who i'd really rather not have. I'll try to explain later.

Basically, since last blogging, it has been a very stressful time. I've not coped well, but have somehow coped.

As much as I want to be friends with everyone, I know that cannot be the case, and it hurts every time that, say we've talked for ages the day before, because of the company you hold the next day, you don't even look at me. Problem is, I honestly just want to get along, so as much as I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking to you, I can't, because I actually like you. And no, this isn't about the most obvious person you're thinking of.

However, I've made friends with people that I really thought I wouldn't. Which is strange, as while we never saw eye to eye, we now agree on most things, it's nice. I guess perception can be warped by how well you actually know a person and others opinion of them.

The shows we did, while stressful in their nature, as shows are, hit very close to home on occasion. Both were about being upset and pushing those closest from you away, something that I could resonate very deeply with, and there were days when I had to pull myself out of that fantasy, as I was getting too lost in my own circumstance.

However, despite that hard process, the shows went amazingly, at least, I feel they did for myself. I got great feedback from people, including my singing tutor, whom I've always had the utmost respect for, telling me that my performance was perfect. That note actually made my year. The emotion memory brought to life by the focus of the shows really helped in those accords.

This year has been a veritable emotional train ride/wreck. It started on an all time low, and I dropped off the radar again, barely managing to stay afloat. And though, I did manage to bring myself back, it was never for me. I spent the entire year chasing the happiness of others, willing to devote myself to any cause other than myself, just to forget who I was for a while. And when there was noone to make happy, I simply became sad again.

I spent so long, believing I wasn't good enough for anything. Forever thinking that I deserved to be trodden on and treated like dirt, because noone else would even acknowledge me. I need to change that. I need to be happy for me, with myself. And that is my focus for this next year. Whatever happens, by this time next year, I will be happy with what I have become.

But still, as Tyrion Lannister so eloquently puts it: "I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things." I see someone who is on the outside, someone who is hurting, or just lost, and I want to help them. I lend pieces of my heart to anyone who needs them to mend their own, but such am left with nothing there myself, as it never gets returned. I know it will mend and regrow over time, but I need to stop giving it away to people with no intent on returning.

But then one, who, no matter how hard I seem to push, won't really leave, but I can see has already left. I told her everything, I poured my broken heart out and she took the brunt of it all and didn't run. And then with just a few words, unintentionally twisted the knife that was already stuck in there.

I wanted to hide, I wanted never to come out, and if it were not for a sense of obligation, I probably would have. After Uni finished, I became a lot worse at actually leaving the house again. However, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.

A new place has opened up in town. A place that feels right, there was no anxiety trigger when I first entered, and there has not been one yet. The people are amazing, and it feels like I actually have friends I can pop in and hang around with again. As far as recovery assets go, this is a shining beacon. I actually feel like part of a group I can include myself with now. Somewhere I can be that's not Uni or my bedroom. Bliss.

One of the reasons I didn't want to start writing today was that I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. I've barely covered any of the issues bothering me right now, and I'm already this far down. unfortunately, I still can't say half of the things I want to due to people reading. I don't care about what I'm saying making it difficult for me, it's when my writing starts putting out other people that I'm bothered, especially ones I care about.

But I don't know what to do. I want to just wait, let things be as they are and see what happens. But have you tried the wait and see approach with anxiety? You over analyse everything they say, everything the do, and especially, everything they don't say.

I want to be happy. I want to make people, especially someone, happy. I don't really care much about anything else. Is that a way to live your life? Probably not, but if I get what I want, then everything will be fine.

Life.. Well fuck.

Kexys