Incase you didn't read the disclaimer, the thoughts I post here are from my mind and are meant for me. It's not about telling on people, that's why I don't use any names. It's not about making people feel sorry for me, it's about me getting all the shit that is bothering me out of my mind and onto somewhere else. If you don't like what you're reading then fuck off, this isn't for you. It's for me, and the people that want to try and understand me. I don't have to explain myself to anyone for the words I write on here.
To the people that took offense to yesterdays blog: I drew the line under everything, then blogged it out to clear my mind. It wasn't an attack on anyone, it was meant for me. Yes, I'm a selfish cunt, handle it.
To the people that want apologies for anything I said in the blog or at all yesterday: I gave out all the apologies to the people that deserved them. You can hold your breath all you want, if you ain't got one already, it's because I'm not sorry. Simple as that.
To the people that say "You have to talk about it" "Don't bottle it all up" ect. I do talk about it. Just not to you. Because you don't understand, and you can't understand. You prove this by making comments, or forcing me into situations that just MAKE THINGS WORSE. And you would do this more if I ever tried to explain what I was thinking. That's also the reason I write on here, so things aren't bottled up.
When you're dealing with a depressive anxious introvert, you need to use a certain amount of tact. When said introvert has retreated back into their shell, reassure them to help them come back out of it. Putting them into a situation they find uncomfortable will only make things worse for them as they retreat more. And certainly, telling them "You're 25, start acting like it" is going to help. It's obviously not going to make them feel even worse because they know how they are fucked up in the head.
http://fallingintowonderland.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/introvert.jpeg
I can't even explain how angry people have made me today. I said it's over, yet you all continue to drag it out. I don't want to talk about it with you, or I would. It is that simple. Situation resolved. Finito. Done.
So lets review:
- Situation is over. If anyone wants to continue to talk about it, please do so away from me, I don't give a shit about it anymore.
- No more apologies, because I'm not sorry.
- If I'm not talking to you about it, there's a reason for it.
- Stop trying to help. You're making it worse, for me and you.
- If this blog offends you, fuck off.
We done? Good.
Kex
Saturday 16 November 2013
Thursday 14 November 2013
Breaking Point
Content warning: You probably shouldn't read this. Today was particularly awful. Also, this: http://kexreset.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/disclaimer.html
I try. I really do. I give as much as I can to help people to the best of my ability. And it's not like I ask for anything in return either, but it would be nice to get the help back when I need it. Noone understands the full extent of shit I put up with. Most people understand some of it, but I haven't told anyone all of the pressures weighing me down.
So today came along. An argument broke out and turned bigger than it needed to. Because the person I was arguing with got upset, I was instantly villanised and everyone suddenly turned on me. All I wanted was a good grade, and doing what is needed for that makes me a horrible person, apparently. I walked out to calm myself down, and that just made things worse. The alternative was to get angry and shout at people, but I took the "immature" route out of it.
Apparently, this was just the start of the awful day.
Next up, 2 hours of choreography. Now, without even mentioning that the formations and everything that I'd designed weeks before, that just seem to have been forgotten about, I was asked 2 days ago to do partner work. I hadn't had time to come up with steps, as I'd been incredibly busy over the last week, but instead of support, I was met with belittlement from my group at every step. I was hit by a panic attack and my brain turned to mush, again, still no help.
I'm not great at coming up with steps, my skills lie in formation and timing, but everything I tried to say about them today were just blatantly ignored. I felt awful, not feeling this low in a very long time. I genuinely just wanted to go curl up in a hole and die. I had some awful thoughts, and they brought on another panic attack.
I try. I really do. I give as much as I can to help people to the best of my ability. And it's not like I ask for anything in return either, but it would be nice to get the help back when I need it. Noone understands the full extent of shit I put up with. Most people understand some of it, but I haven't told anyone all of the pressures weighing me down.
So today came along. An argument broke out and turned bigger than it needed to. Because the person I was arguing with got upset, I was instantly villanised and everyone suddenly turned on me. All I wanted was a good grade, and doing what is needed for that makes me a horrible person, apparently. I walked out to calm myself down, and that just made things worse. The alternative was to get angry and shout at people, but I took the "immature" route out of it.
Apparently, this was just the start of the awful day.
Next up, 2 hours of choreography. Now, without even mentioning that the formations and everything that I'd designed weeks before, that just seem to have been forgotten about, I was asked 2 days ago to do partner work. I hadn't had time to come up with steps, as I'd been incredibly busy over the last week, but instead of support, I was met with belittlement from my group at every step. I was hit by a panic attack and my brain turned to mush, again, still no help.
I'm not great at coming up with steps, my skills lie in formation and timing, but everything I tried to say about them today were just blatantly ignored. I felt awful, not feeling this low in a very long time. I genuinely just wanted to go curl up in a hole and die. I had some awful thoughts, and they brought on another panic attack.
I stood by the piano, took on more of an MD role, instantly made me feel more comfortable. Didn't last long as I was told to choreograph again. So I tried using one of the techniques Sue showed us, and got the dancers to come up with their own steps, and ended up with 22 bars of dance in 15 minutes, which I thought looked fun and in line with the song. I was just starting to feel better
"We can't have it in, it's crap"
The metaphorical straw that broke the camels back, my spirit had been truly worn down and broken, and it was obvious from the state of the room. I held myself together though, I didn't break down until I got home. I refuse to let people see me being vulnerable.
I'm not saying I'm completely blameless for everything that's happened today, but I apologised for everything I thought I'd done wrong very quickly, while others continued to victimise me. It's absolutely fun to realise that noone really likes you, nor do they give a shit how you're actually breaking down inside, even though you're pretending to hold it together.
Kex
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