Breaking Point

Content warning: You probably shouldn't read this. Today was particularly awful. Also, this: http://kexreset.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/disclaimer.html

I try. I really do. I give as much as I can to help people to the best of my ability. And it's not like I ask for anything in return either, but it would be nice to get the help back when I need it. Noone understands the full extent of shit I put up with. Most people understand some of it, but I haven't told anyone all of the pressures weighing me down.

So today came along. An argument broke out and turned bigger than it needed to. Because the person I was arguing with got upset, I was instantly villanised and everyone suddenly turned on me. All I wanted was a good grade, and doing what is needed for that makes me a horrible person, apparently. I walked out to calm myself down, and that just made things worse. The alternative was to get angry and shout at people, but I took the "immature" route out of it.

Apparently, this was just the start of the awful day.

Next up, 2 hours of choreography. Now, without even mentioning that the formations and everything that I'd designed weeks before, that just seem to have been forgotten about, I was asked 2 days ago to do partner work. I hadn't had time to come up with steps, as I'd been incredibly busy over the last week, but instead of support, I was met with belittlement from my group at every step. I was hit by a panic attack and my brain turned to mush, again, still no help.

I'm not great at coming up with steps, my skills lie in formation and timing, but everything I tried to say about them today were just blatantly ignored. I felt awful, not feeling this low in a very long time. I genuinely just wanted to go curl up in a hole and die. I had some awful thoughts, and they brought on another panic attack.

I stood by the piano, took on more of an MD role, instantly made me feel more comfortable. Didn't last long as I was told to choreograph again. So I tried using one of the techniques Sue showed us, and got the dancers to come up with their own steps, and ended up with 22 bars of dance in 15 minutes, which I thought looked fun and in line with the song. I was just starting to feel better

"We can't have it in, it's crap"

The metaphorical straw that broke the camels back, my spirit had been truly worn down and broken, and it was obvious from the state of the room. I held myself together though, I didn't break down until I got home. I refuse to let people see me being vulnerable.

I'm not saying I'm completely blameless for everything that's happened today, but I apologised for everything I thought I'd done wrong very quickly, while others continued to victimise me. It's absolutely fun to realise that noone really likes you, nor do they give a shit how you're actually breaking down inside, even though you're pretending to hold it together.

Kex