Despair

So a long post this time, at least, it feels long. This last year has been a very transitional one for me. I’ve grown a lot as a person, but at the same time, I feel enclosed within myself. Struggling for motivation with well, anything. I don’t write essays, learn line/scripts.. Everything I’ve done perfectly for the last 2 years, and I’m starting to fuck it up now. And my recent changes aren’t necessarily anything to do with this, as this has been an ongoing thing for months now. But the stress of everything, massive amounts of change weighing down on me like anvils on my chest, and having no one to turn to about it has seriously fucked me up.

I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.

But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.

The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.

The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.

I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.

I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.

Joe

Re:birth

What a long, strange trip it's been.

Life is a funny thing, doncha think?

Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.

There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then.  You know what that says to me?

It tells me I'm better

The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.

I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.

I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.

No longer will my fears control me.

It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.

Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..

Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.

Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.

I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.

My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.

I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.

I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)

Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)