So a long post this time, at least, it feels long. This last year has been a very
transitional one for me. I’ve grown a lot as a person, but at the same time, I
feel enclosed within myself. Struggling for motivation with well, anything. I
don’t write essays, learn line/scripts.. Everything I’ve done perfectly for the
last 2 years, and I’m starting to fuck it up now. And my recent changes aren’t necessarily
anything to do with this, as this has been an ongoing thing for months now. But
the stress of everything, massive amounts of change weighing down on me like
anvils on my chest, and having no one to turn to about it has seriously fucked
me up.
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
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