I hate days like today. No matter what I seem to do, when I get in a funk, I just can't shake it off, and the entire day becomes shitty. I feel full on worthless.
I couldn't sleep last night, ended up drifting off at 6am. Woke up midday after a bad dream sent me into a full on panic attack. Stupid. In the dream I was arguing with a friend over such petty shit, but it triggered a full day of worthlessness. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking, and since, my heart has felt physically heavy all day, like I can feel it weighing down my chest.
Now, nothing I have done today is out of the ordinary. I've text people, played games, sung.. and that's about it. Fairly normal day for me. But I've had that nagging doubt that everyone I was talking to was just getting sick and bored of me, to the point where I stopped talking to anyone around 7pm ish.. I've been distracted in games, and every time I've messed something up it's brought me down further, it's either perfection or nothing.
I hope this goes away tomorrow, but I'm afraid to go to sleep, in case that dream comes back and sets me back again. I don't want to deal with another day of worthlessness.
What I wouldn't give to feel wanted. To think that, somewhere out there, someone actually gave a shit. If i were to disappear right now, noone would notice, and even if they did, it would only be because I wasn't doing something I was supposed to. Noone would care.
It's just pure worthlessness. It's just me.
Kexys
Saturday 31 October 2015
Saturday 10 October 2015
Depression/Anxiety
I was looking for a good reason to write my 50th blog (Yup, it is the 50th post that's ever been published on here, kinda came as a shock to me too), and then I realised that today was Mental Health Day. I don't know what's going to follow, but I'm going to try and give you some insight into what it's like to have problems with depression and anxiety.
My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.
That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?
Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.
Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.
It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.
I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.
But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.
We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.
I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.
Thanks for reading.
Kexys
My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.
That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?
Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.
Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.
It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.
I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.
But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.
We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.
I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.
Thanks for reading.
Kexys
Friday 2 October 2015
Karmic/fear/fate
- Found a post I left unfinished, not what I meant to post today, but I'll add it on for good measure -
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
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