- Found a post I left unfinished, not what I meant to post today, but I'll add it on for good measure -
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
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