That fucking anvil

My bedroom ceiling is a sight im very used to, I spend hours every day laying in bed staring at it. It doesnt matter how much I want to get up and go. It doesnt matter if I have things to do, or places to be. It doesnt matter how much I try and force myself. That fucking anvil sits on my chest and stops me from escaping.

Obviously, its not a literal anvil, but it feels like it is. Like, I can feel physical pressure on my chest every time I think to myself "okay Joe, time to move." And whilst I can roll, maybe stare at the wall to break the monotony of the ceiling, i cant bring myself to stand.

I cant remember when It started. I cant remember when it got this bad. I cant remember when I realised I have to wake up hours earlier than I need to, just 5o psyche myself up to get out of bed. That fucking anvil. I can feel it now. I have things I want to do today, but pinned as I am, I dont know when. If im too late, that anvil will be heavier, as it fills me with doubt.

Its especially bad now that I have no purpose. No reason to wake up. Its been a very tough month, and I have not seen outside these four walls nearly as often as I should. I barely exist, let alone live. Sometimes, I wonder if I even exist at all or if this is just a dream of someone slowly fading.

Kexys.

Karma

So I made a similar post to this a while back, talking about how karma holds us all up. About how being a decent person works. I had a crisis today: whats the point in being a good person?

I work a lot to make people happy, in general, i would give anything to make people I care for happy, or comfortable, or to just help out. Seeing people sad makes me sad. Knowing I have helped make someone happy fills me with pride. Not happiness, thats a rarity these days.

I try to act and conduct myself in a way I see as honourable. I keep my promises and I actively do my best to be encouraging and help anyone in need, regardless of familiarity.

So why does doing the right thing feel so shit? Why does being a good person actively make my life harder. Surely, thinking of karmic justice, being good should be rewarded? So then why is it that, no matter what I do I end up sinking lower and lower. It feels like sinking slowly into quicksand slowly, the deeper I sink, the harder it becomes to fight back, and though fighting back may offer a temporary reprieve, it inevitably leads to sinking faster.

Im not in a good place right now, it's been a rough month to keep afloat. Sleeping is sporadic at best, getting up in the morning is hard. But im slogging on. Im managing to do things through it, which is an improvement. Moods lower than tbose which have previously kept me homebound are now conquerable, if barely.

But is it wrong to want to be happy? Is it wrong to want to feel good for being a good person? Is it wrong to not want to feel this low anymore?

Argh :-/
Kexys

Monitor

Existing is hard you know?

Sometimes it's harder than others, but even on the good days, it can be like swimming through syrup sometimes. Watching my mood fly up and down, like a heart monitor sets me on edge.

Take today, for example. It's a normal day, part of the holidays, a chance to relax and unwind, had a great night last night, decent amount of sleep, no nightmares etc,  but I'm still gripped with a sense of impending doom. Don't know why, don't know how, wish I could stop it. I'm trying to be productive, but all of myself wants to curl up in bed and be done with the day. CBT helped. It's let me structure my day, and despite the great urge, I have not crawled into bed and hidden in the fetal position from the rest of the world sadnessing myself to sleep.

I think it's something about this time of year. Last year was particularly bad, for reasons, and my "worst day" happened about year ago now. Looking back, I am leaps and bounds on from that, and nothing has happened this year to warrant this feeling, in fact, the opposite, it has been a fantastic year. I've fallen in love with being a teacher, and the feeling it brings seeing students succeed is my new happy place. But I think the lingering effects of the last 8 years (Seriously, fuck January-April 2009-2016) has caused something in me that brings me down at this time of year for no reason.

What is worse, is that I have come to realise that one of the things I thought was a favourite past time, is something that I only do when I am sad, as an escape, a time sink or anything else, just as a way to numb whatever the feeling is that's bringing me down. This is saddening, as it is something that I really enjoyed, and honestly was kind of good at, but I feel now like doing it would only perpetuate the sadness and allow it to propagate and grow further.

Thankfully, my life has reached a point where I have a lot of other distractions. Living with friends helps massively. If I am feeling shit and wanting to escape there is still someone I can hide in the house with and not feel like a complete, lonely, friendless piece of trash. My family, one in particular is amazing at making me feel better about myself, and honestly, I am starting to feel good again about myself. Like I'm ready to make a change for the better.

Most of all though, I am incredibly grateful for all the friends I have made in the last few months. Thanks to my CBT, I have been outside more, with doing shows, FNM at the games store and just being out teaching, I feel like I have had the privilege to become friends with some of the best people I have ever met, and, even though they are relatively new in my life, have all been incredibly supportive in pushing me forward.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel like utter shit today, lower than the scum that you wouldn't even bother to wipe off of your show if you stepped in it. But I don't know why. I have so much in my life right now that I am thankful for. But let's be honest, if I understood it and was completely in control, it wouldn't be a mental illness, it would be a self-inflicted frame of mind. It's just about swimming through the syrup until the water clears up.

I wasn't sure where I was going with this, but I'm glad it ended up where it did. I feel a bit better now.

Kexys

Low

So I've tried desperately not to write a blog for a while. I've wanted to be strong and fight through it, and for the most part, I've managed that. This isn't a pleasant, heart warming, inspiring blog like some of the content on here, and honestly, reading it is probably not good for you, not the state I'm in.

This year has been absolutely crushing.
The pressure
The workload
Expectations
Responsibilities
People

I can't breathe.

I feel like, right now, everyone dislikes me. Like, I don't have a single person in this world who wants to spend time around me, any more than they have to.

I hate that I feel that I bring everyone around me down. I only want to help people, I only want to do my best to make people happy, so why do I fuck it up.

I can't go more than a few days without my brain snapping and savaging my positive thoughts, it's like, no matter how hard I try I can't pull myself out of this pit of worthlessness.

It's constant. It's every night. I have to go out every day and put on a front of strength. Like I duct tape myself back together before I step out of the door and it just about manages to hold until I reach home again and I fall apart. Sometimes the pieces slip loose during the day, but mostly I hold it together, keep the mask on, enforce the illusion. But being at home is a constant ebb and flow of picking up the peices and watching them break all over again.

It's so lonely. Everytime a friend gets close I push them back, keep your distance, where it's safe. I'm dangerous, I'm broken and the jagged pieces will hurt anyone who gets too close. I wish I could explain how it feels, but it's something that cannot be expressed in words.

My therapist is working in a sense. I am being more productive and putting myself out there more. But my mood isn't improving, if anything, it feels worse. All the time holding it together is taking its toll, I feel like I'm about to shatter, and this time, I don't know if I'll have the strength to pick up the pieces again.

I'm sorry. Thank you, if you've read this far, I appreciate everything you all do for me. I have some fantastic people in my life, and if it wasn't for them, I'm sure I wouldn't still be here. You're the reason I exist.

Thank you,
Kexys