Face

I'm not okay, not even a little.

I can't talk to people, it hurts even to try. As if talking makes it more real. I don't even want to consider any possibilities, so I put it to the back of my mind.

But it's still there.

You can't break down. You can't put your life on hold. The world doesn't stop just because you're slowly falling inside. It doesn't help that you can't even say it out loud without bursting into tears. Talking about it in any real detail makes me want to run and hide.

I'm terrified. I can't remember the last time I was this scared about anything. But I need to be strong. If I can't be strong, then what is the point of making all that progress to arrive at this point.

Life doesn't stop just because you want it to. You can't stop just because you want to. Be strong, put your face on, and soldier forward. Not because you want to, because you have to.

Kex

A note

Just stop. Stop right now, don't let this go any further than it should.

Or you know where you'll end up..

Kexys

Abrasive

I genuinely thought I was done with this place. I felt like I'd worked everything through and no longer needed a place to vent. But as always is, I find myself increasingly growing more anxious and tense. It's probably something to do with my introverted nature.

If you don't understand introversion, it can be hard to explain. Its not that I don't like being in the company of others, it is more so that I find it draining, especially in larger groups. During the summer, I spent a great deal amount of time "On my own". Sure, I had my friends on Skype, but that's different, I could step away any time, so my internal energies were almost always full, and I had very little negative emotions. Now I'm back at Uni, and although I love it, and the people I meet, new and old, are all incredible, it drains me having to spend all day around them. This isn't anything about them, it's all on my head. I envy extroverts, people who seem to have it easy.

However, a large symptom of the negativity is massive thinking time. Thinking never aids situations, especially when you're me. I've been thinking a lot about my nature, and that, all in all, I'm a very abrasive person. The whole sarcasm thing is there to push people away. If you were to, or have read this blog, you could see why my world opinion is jaded, and keeping people at arms length is a necessary precaution for me.

Earlier this year, I broke my protective bubble. I took a chance on someone and opened my self completely to them. I explored myself, and told them things about me I have still never told anyone, and though at first she seemed to accept me, it all blew up again, as so often my life does. I have not since been able to open in any kind of way to anyone. My faith in others was totally trashed.

I figure, if I push you away myself, if I come off as abrasive as possible, then when you walk away from me, I'll know there was a reason for it, and it won't hurt so much. If I hide behind my sarcastic shell, then I don't have to worry about mine or anyone elses feelings, as everything is just passed off as "Oh look, he's being sarcastic again".

But it's a terribly lonely existence, being a shut off introvert. Being around people drains me, but being on my own makes me sad and lonely. But then, even when surrounded by people, I feel like I have to keep them all at arms length, and out of my bubble. If I don't then they could get in, and if they get in, they could leave. I don't know how many more leavers I can take.

I didn't know whether or not to write this. I've been toying with the idea for a few days now. This is one of my most personal blogs yet, bringing myself to tears whilst writing it. But I hope it will help you understand me, just a little bit more. I do love everyone in my life, no matter how much of a hard time I have showing it.

Kexys

Best I can be!

I'm not keeping up in my blogging duties! I seem to be letting time pass me by far too much in these holidays. Nothing is being accomplished, and time is just zipping past.. Time to fix that.

Okay so, I'm going to start my "Best I can be" Campaign for myself, for the next 3 months. I go back to Uni on the 17th September, that's 13 weeks, 5 days (96 Days) away. And yes, I am quite literally counting them down.

So, what will I be doing for the next 96 days? Working hard to get myself to be the best I can be by the time I go back to Uni, so that I can audition for the part of Joe Casey and do my absolute best, whether I get it or not! So, these are the steps I will be taking:

Step 1: No more alcohol. No exceptions. I don't NEED to get drunk to have a night out. Not drinking will save my voice, my liver and my wallet, 3 very important things. In fact, I think I'm going to try and cut out fizzy drinks entirely. I bought a sports bottle so that I wouldn't drink fizzy as often. Need to remember that!

Step 2: (Finally) Get a Tonic card. I'm going to go do that today, actually. And on top of that, I'm going to make it to the gym AT LEAST 4 times a week. Planning to work mainly on cardio and fitness. I wanna be able to comfortably dance and sing for a period of at least 3 minutes without being breathless.

Step 3: Balanced Diet. Okay, this is probably going to be tough, but to make sure I stick to it, I'm going to keep a food diary. 1 Proper meal a day, some healthy snacks and a smaller breakfast/lunch should set me on track

Step 4: (Cringe) Sleeping pattern needs sorting. Try and be asleep by 1am most nights, up by 8 to ensure getting enough sleep and not wasting hours of the day,

Step 5: Herbal/Voodoo remedies. Yup, Salt water gargling, honey and lemon drinks. You name it, if it's good for you, I'll try it.

Step 6: Stop shuffling, and keep my emotions in check. This one is probably going to be the hardest one to fix, as it means sorting out all of my subconscious urges. But I'll be damned if I haven't got this one fixed by the end of the year.

I'll probably think of more by the time these 3 months are up, and I'll be sure to update here to let y'all know how it's going. But yeah, best I can be starting NOW!

Kexys

Disclaimer

The amount of people that have come up to me and told me they read my blog is an ever growing, and diverse number of people. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me when someone tells me they read it, after all, I post it on my news feed, however, it always does.

Let's be honest, I kind of want people to read it. It started out as a way of trying to get people to understand me better, but then warped into a place where I would throw down the mental mess that is my head. That's all well and good normally.

But now... Now I'm afraid that people will read what I write and get offended. I don't know who's reading, and it's often someone who could potentially read it that sets me off on a series of ideas. Now like tonight, I wanted to get something off my chest, but if the wrong people read it, it could be misconstrued and taken in a bad way. I can't help that. So I'm presenting this disclaimer:

The things you read here are my thoughts, and most likely, they have nothing to do with you. If you choose to take them personally, then that is your problem. You have been warned. I don't want any real life drama based on what you read here. If you don't like what you read, simply stop reading.

And if you think what I've written is about you, then it probably is. The disclaimer still applies.

Grow the fuck up people.

Kexys.

Endings

The worst thing about life, is that no matter what paths you tread, however far you walk, there will always be endings. Times when you have to say goodbye to all the people you've walked this far with and move on. I hate endings so much.

This year has been amazing, all of it. All because of the people the people I've had in my life. Now I'm facing 5 months without them. Some of the new friends I have made, I may never see again, or at best, very sparingly after tomorrow. Considering that I suffer social anxiety, I value the bonds I share with people above most other things in my life, and seeing those bonds sundered.. It breaks my heart.

I wish life could just, stay as it is, and that people wouldn't have to go away. I know thats a really childish veiw, as people need to move forward to grow, and if we never moved on, then we wouldn't meet new people, form new bonds and continue the circle. I'm glad I can share my journey with all these wonderful people, the memories we shared I'll hold close to my heart forever. I actually love you all.

So please don't disappear completely, say hi from time to time. Ending don't have to be goodbyes, just new beginnings.

Kex

Change

With anything, it needs to be taken in moderation. I'm an intensive person, I'll give everything to things that I want to do, however, I know I have to slow down sometimes too. Now that money isn't an immediate concern, I can start looking to other aspects of my life.

In 5 days, I will be done with Uni until next September, and that's quite a way away. Until then, my focus is one bringing my physical fitness back to where it needs to be. I've never ben a skinny guy, but I want to be able to look at myself and be happy with what I see again. I've said from the get-go that as soon as my student funding went in, it would be the start of my healthy lifestyle, kind of ironic that it comes as my Uni life comes to a pause.

I intend to stick with that though, and have already been looking into healthy meal plans, gym times and other malarky. I'm going to miss the excercise I've been getting from dance, but if I keep up my streches, and start hitting the gym properly, I should continue to see results. I'm not sure exactly what I want out of this, and even if I don't lose much weight, as long as I feel fitter, it will be an acomplishment.

However, I'm still me. I still love to lie in, and play games and generally slack off. So I'll make the time for that too. I can't excercise all day everyday, that's unhealthy too. Getting a job would also help, giving me a distraction from being bored and more excercise. We'll see how this all pans out.

This summer should be interesting to say the least.

Kex