For those of you who perhaps don't know me well, but still choose to read my blog:
Thank you.
This is how I cope. This is how I get rid of all the negativity inside. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking to make people worry. I write this to get it all out of my head and give myself permission to stop thinking about everything.
Since my meltdown a few days ago, I've had so many people come to me and offer an ear, tell me that its okay, and everything in between. I appreciate this so much, even if I don't always show it in my broken down state.
Besides my messed up sleeping pattern, I'm feeling a lot better in myself again. There is no need to worry, no cause for concern.
The truth is, I expected this low for a while and was prepared for it.
A few months ago, I was happier than I had been in a long time, and that makes waves, as generally, the happier I am in my up, the worse I get in my down.
I have weathered that storm, and I'm passed the worst of it. There's no need to worry, honestly, I'm okay.
Now if I could only get my sleeping pattern sorted..
Kexys
Friday, 27 May 2016
Tuesday, 24 May 2016
You don't know
In tears before I start this one. This is probably going to be a really depressing read, you may not think of me the same afterwards, but I can't hold it in anymore.
I'm fine. I'm always fine.
I have the strongest family in the world. I was born into the strongest, most hard working family of people with such spirit that they will fight forever. With people that are so talented, or clever, or good at something that everyone has some reason to shine. But I am absolutely ordinary. I'm not good at anything, I'm useless. But I'm just like them. I'm a fighter. I don't drag people down with me.
So you don't know.
You don't know how hard these last months have been for me.
You don't know that my heart was utterly ripped out, and that I had to face that reality every day for a month.
You don't know that one of my best friends died 2 weeks ago. You don't know that something random will remind me of him at least once a day and I'll start crying all over again. You don't know that, even though we never met, he was one of my rocks.
You don't know that, some days, /I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because my body feels so heavy that it physically won't move. You don't know that I hide in my room because the thought of talking to anyone makes me physically shake.
You don't know know that, most mornings, I wake up in tears, or terrified because my nightmares are so vivid and real.
You don't know that in the 8 days combined I've probably had about 18 hours sleep.
You don't know that, all but once in the last month, my friends have cancelled trips to see them. Only once or twice per person, but all of them.
You don't know that I've given up on the doctors, because antidepressants make me feel worse, and the people they send me to talk to don't care enough to keep contact.
You don't know that I'm too scared to talk to people that I haven't in a while because I think they'll hate me, no matter how much I want and need to see them.
You don't know that I subconsciously sabotage myself whenever I talk to someone new because I feel like I don't deserve friends or anything more. That if I push them away then it won't hurt as much when they leave.
You don't know that about a month and a half ago I swallowed 2 packs of pills and a load of alcohol before I realised I was an idiot and promptly threw it back up.
You don't know how much your approval means to me. You don't know how much I just want to make everyone proud. How all I want to do is to make people happy. I just want to see the people I care about smile.
You don't know how much of myself I give away to fix people, because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone feel as shit about themselves as I do about.
You don't know that I don't see a future. That everything ahead is just black.
You don't know that the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't bear to inflict all that pain on any of you. But you don't realise how much pain I bear. I can't take it alone any more. I just need somebody.
Please, save me.
Kexys
I'm fine. I'm always fine.
I have the strongest family in the world. I was born into the strongest, most hard working family of people with such spirit that they will fight forever. With people that are so talented, or clever, or good at something that everyone has some reason to shine. But I am absolutely ordinary. I'm not good at anything, I'm useless. But I'm just like them. I'm a fighter. I don't drag people down with me.
So you don't know.
You don't know how hard these last months have been for me.
You don't know that my heart was utterly ripped out, and that I had to face that reality every day for a month.
You don't know that one of my best friends died 2 weeks ago. You don't know that something random will remind me of him at least once a day and I'll start crying all over again. You don't know that, even though we never met, he was one of my rocks.
You don't know that, some days, /I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because my body feels so heavy that it physically won't move. You don't know that I hide in my room because the thought of talking to anyone makes me physically shake.
You don't know know that, most mornings, I wake up in tears, or terrified because my nightmares are so vivid and real.
You don't know that in the 8 days combined I've probably had about 18 hours sleep.
You don't know that, all but once in the last month, my friends have cancelled trips to see them. Only once or twice per person, but all of them.
You don't know that I've given up on the doctors, because antidepressants make me feel worse, and the people they send me to talk to don't care enough to keep contact.
You don't know that I'm too scared to talk to people that I haven't in a while because I think they'll hate me, no matter how much I want and need to see them.
You don't know that I subconsciously sabotage myself whenever I talk to someone new because I feel like I don't deserve friends or anything more. That if I push them away then it won't hurt as much when they leave.
You don't know that about a month and a half ago I swallowed 2 packs of pills and a load of alcohol before I realised I was an idiot and promptly threw it back up.
You don't know how much your approval means to me. You don't know how much I just want to make everyone proud. How all I want to do is to make people happy. I just want to see the people I care about smile.
You don't know how much of myself I give away to fix people, because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone feel as shit about themselves as I do about.
You don't know that I don't see a future. That everything ahead is just black.
You don't know that the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't bear to inflict all that pain on any of you. But you don't realise how much pain I bear. I can't take it alone any more. I just need somebody.
Please, save me.
Kexys
Thursday, 28 April 2016
Final day.
"Do not cry because it is over, but smile because it happened"
It's been a long time coming, but today is my final day. The end of who I was, my identity is over. It's not as if it wasn't seen to be coming, there has been a mist in the air for a long time now, as I barely managed to stay afloat whilst treading water. But now my body is tired and I'm getting nowhere, so it needs to end.
No more will I be walked over. No more will I be used. No more will I have to tolerate the lies, and the selfishness and the shit. No more will I hate myself.
I'm sick of seeing the selfishness in people. Using others for their own ends. Hurting people to make themselves feel better. There are some truly amazing people out there in this world, but they are so few and far between. The ones I have had the privilege to meet however, whether they liked me or not, are my real heroes.
I'm tired of feeling like this. Of having an inescapable void in my chest dredging down everything I care about. Of having arguments in my head because I always manage to say the wrong thing. I don't have ill intent for anyone, I just want to see people happy, and I do often fail at even that.
I'm tired of holding on for people that don't deserve it. I'm tired of always finishing in second. I hate that no matter how hard I work, no matter how good I am, life is simply a popularity contest that my social anxiety fucks up at every turn it can.
I do everything I can to be a good person, though that makes me an asshole, because I tell you how it is. I'd sooner have you hate me and be okay, than to love me and be sad. But it's incredibly lonely.
Today will be my final day, for tomorrow, I do not know who I will awake as, but I refuse to spend on more day as this person. I will have to give up parts of me I never thought I would. But without that, I would truly be dead.
Saturday, 26 December 2015
Catch up
So, I've not blogged in such a long time because, although this blog is meant to be for my own personal reflection, I do share it, people read it, and right now, I've opened up to a lot of people that they could understand a lot of the meanings behind the things I say, or who a certain part of the blog is directed at. As such, I've held it all inside, badly. This resulted in me going off at someone who i'd really rather not have. I'll try to explain later.
Basically, since last blogging, it has been a very stressful time. I've not coped well, but have somehow coped.
As much as I want to be friends with everyone, I know that cannot be the case, and it hurts every time that, say we've talked for ages the day before, because of the company you hold the next day, you don't even look at me. Problem is, I honestly just want to get along, so as much as I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking to you, I can't, because I actually like you. And no, this isn't about the most obvious person you're thinking of.
However, I've made friends with people that I really thought I wouldn't. Which is strange, as while we never saw eye to eye, we now agree on most things, it's nice. I guess perception can be warped by how well you actually know a person and others opinion of them.
The shows we did, while stressful in their nature, as shows are, hit very close to home on occasion. Both were about being upset and pushing those closest from you away, something that I could resonate very deeply with, and there were days when I had to pull myself out of that fantasy, as I was getting too lost in my own circumstance.
However, despite that hard process, the shows went amazingly, at least, I feel they did for myself. I got great feedback from people, including my singing tutor, whom I've always had the utmost respect for, telling me that my performance was perfect. That note actually made my year. The emotion memory brought to life by the focus of the shows really helped in those accords.
This year has been a veritable emotional train ride/wreck. It started on an all time low, and I dropped off the radar again, barely managing to stay afloat. And though, I did manage to bring myself back, it was never for me. I spent the entire year chasing the happiness of others, willing to devote myself to any cause other than myself, just to forget who I was for a while. And when there was noone to make happy, I simply became sad again.
I spent so long, believing I wasn't good enough for anything. Forever thinking that I deserved to be trodden on and treated like dirt, because noone else would even acknowledge me. I need to change that. I need to be happy for me, with myself. And that is my focus for this next year. Whatever happens, by this time next year, I will be happy with what I have become.
But still, as Tyrion Lannister so eloquently puts it: "I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things." I see someone who is on the outside, someone who is hurting, or just lost, and I want to help them. I lend pieces of my heart to anyone who needs them to mend their own, but such am left with nothing there myself, as it never gets returned. I know it will mend and regrow over time, but I need to stop giving it away to people with no intent on returning.
But then one, who, no matter how hard I seem to push, won't really leave, but I can see has already left. I told her everything, I poured my broken heart out and she took the brunt of it all and didn't run. And then with just a few words, unintentionally twisted the knife that was already stuck in there.
I wanted to hide, I wanted never to come out, and if it were not for a sense of obligation, I probably would have. After Uni finished, I became a lot worse at actually leaving the house again. However, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.
A new place has opened up in town. A place that feels right, there was no anxiety trigger when I first entered, and there has not been one yet. The people are amazing, and it feels like I actually have friends I can pop in and hang around with again. As far as recovery assets go, this is a shining beacon. I actually feel like part of a group I can include myself with now. Somewhere I can be that's not Uni or my bedroom. Bliss.
One of the reasons I didn't want to start writing today was that I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. I've barely covered any of the issues bothering me right now, and I'm already this far down. unfortunately, I still can't say half of the things I want to due to people reading. I don't care about what I'm saying making it difficult for me, it's when my writing starts putting out other people that I'm bothered, especially ones I care about.
But I don't know what to do. I want to just wait, let things be as they are and see what happens. But have you tried the wait and see approach with anxiety? You over analyse everything they say, everything the do, and especially, everything they don't say.
I want to be happy. I want to make people, especially someone, happy. I don't really care much about anything else. Is that a way to live your life? Probably not, but if I get what I want, then everything will be fine.
Life.. Well fuck.
Kexys
Basically, since last blogging, it has been a very stressful time. I've not coped well, but have somehow coped.
As much as I want to be friends with everyone, I know that cannot be the case, and it hurts every time that, say we've talked for ages the day before, because of the company you hold the next day, you don't even look at me. Problem is, I honestly just want to get along, so as much as I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking to you, I can't, because I actually like you. And no, this isn't about the most obvious person you're thinking of.
However, I've made friends with people that I really thought I wouldn't. Which is strange, as while we never saw eye to eye, we now agree on most things, it's nice. I guess perception can be warped by how well you actually know a person and others opinion of them.
The shows we did, while stressful in their nature, as shows are, hit very close to home on occasion. Both were about being upset and pushing those closest from you away, something that I could resonate very deeply with, and there were days when I had to pull myself out of that fantasy, as I was getting too lost in my own circumstance.
However, despite that hard process, the shows went amazingly, at least, I feel they did for myself. I got great feedback from people, including my singing tutor, whom I've always had the utmost respect for, telling me that my performance was perfect. That note actually made my year. The emotion memory brought to life by the focus of the shows really helped in those accords.
This year has been a veritable emotional train ride/wreck. It started on an all time low, and I dropped off the radar again, barely managing to stay afloat. And though, I did manage to bring myself back, it was never for me. I spent the entire year chasing the happiness of others, willing to devote myself to any cause other than myself, just to forget who I was for a while. And when there was noone to make happy, I simply became sad again.
I spent so long, believing I wasn't good enough for anything. Forever thinking that I deserved to be trodden on and treated like dirt, because noone else would even acknowledge me. I need to change that. I need to be happy for me, with myself. And that is my focus for this next year. Whatever happens, by this time next year, I will be happy with what I have become.
But still, as Tyrion Lannister so eloquently puts it: "I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things." I see someone who is on the outside, someone who is hurting, or just lost, and I want to help them. I lend pieces of my heart to anyone who needs them to mend their own, but such am left with nothing there myself, as it never gets returned. I know it will mend and regrow over time, but I need to stop giving it away to people with no intent on returning.
But then one, who, no matter how hard I seem to push, won't really leave, but I can see has already left. I told her everything, I poured my broken heart out and she took the brunt of it all and didn't run. And then with just a few words, unintentionally twisted the knife that was already stuck in there.
I wanted to hide, I wanted never to come out, and if it were not for a sense of obligation, I probably would have. After Uni finished, I became a lot worse at actually leaving the house again. However, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.
A new place has opened up in town. A place that feels right, there was no anxiety trigger when I first entered, and there has not been one yet. The people are amazing, and it feels like I actually have friends I can pop in and hang around with again. As far as recovery assets go, this is a shining beacon. I actually feel like part of a group I can include myself with now. Somewhere I can be that's not Uni or my bedroom. Bliss.
One of the reasons I didn't want to start writing today was that I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. I've barely covered any of the issues bothering me right now, and I'm already this far down. unfortunately, I still can't say half of the things I want to due to people reading. I don't care about what I'm saying making it difficult for me, it's when my writing starts putting out other people that I'm bothered, especially ones I care about.
But I don't know what to do. I want to just wait, let things be as they are and see what happens. But have you tried the wait and see approach with anxiety? You over analyse everything they say, everything the do, and especially, everything they don't say.
I want to be happy. I want to make people, especially someone, happy. I don't really care much about anything else. Is that a way to live your life? Probably not, but if I get what I want, then everything will be fine.
Life.. Well fuck.
Kexys
Saturday, 31 October 2015
Worthless
I hate days like today. No matter what I seem to do, when I get in a funk, I just can't shake it off, and the entire day becomes shitty. I feel full on worthless.
I couldn't sleep last night, ended up drifting off at 6am. Woke up midday after a bad dream sent me into a full on panic attack. Stupid. In the dream I was arguing with a friend over such petty shit, but it triggered a full day of worthlessness. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking, and since, my heart has felt physically heavy all day, like I can feel it weighing down my chest.
Now, nothing I have done today is out of the ordinary. I've text people, played games, sung.. and that's about it. Fairly normal day for me. But I've had that nagging doubt that everyone I was talking to was just getting sick and bored of me, to the point where I stopped talking to anyone around 7pm ish.. I've been distracted in games, and every time I've messed something up it's brought me down further, it's either perfection or nothing.
I hope this goes away tomorrow, but I'm afraid to go to sleep, in case that dream comes back and sets me back again. I don't want to deal with another day of worthlessness.
What I wouldn't give to feel wanted. To think that, somewhere out there, someone actually gave a shit. If i were to disappear right now, noone would notice, and even if they did, it would only be because I wasn't doing something I was supposed to. Noone would care.
It's just pure worthlessness. It's just me.
Kexys
I couldn't sleep last night, ended up drifting off at 6am. Woke up midday after a bad dream sent me into a full on panic attack. Stupid. In the dream I was arguing with a friend over such petty shit, but it triggered a full day of worthlessness. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking, and since, my heart has felt physically heavy all day, like I can feel it weighing down my chest.
Now, nothing I have done today is out of the ordinary. I've text people, played games, sung.. and that's about it. Fairly normal day for me. But I've had that nagging doubt that everyone I was talking to was just getting sick and bored of me, to the point where I stopped talking to anyone around 7pm ish.. I've been distracted in games, and every time I've messed something up it's brought me down further, it's either perfection or nothing.
I hope this goes away tomorrow, but I'm afraid to go to sleep, in case that dream comes back and sets me back again. I don't want to deal with another day of worthlessness.
What I wouldn't give to feel wanted. To think that, somewhere out there, someone actually gave a shit. If i were to disappear right now, noone would notice, and even if they did, it would only be because I wasn't doing something I was supposed to. Noone would care.
It's just pure worthlessness. It's just me.
Kexys
Saturday, 10 October 2015
Depression/Anxiety
I was looking for a good reason to write my 50th blog (Yup, it is the 50th post that's ever been published on here, kinda came as a shock to me too), and then I realised that today was Mental Health Day. I don't know what's going to follow, but I'm going to try and give you some insight into what it's like to have problems with depression and anxiety.
My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.
That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?
Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.
Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.
It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.
I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.
But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.
We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.
I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.
Thanks for reading.
Kexys
My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.
That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?
Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.
Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.
It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.
I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.
But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.
We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.
I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.
Thanks for reading.
Kexys
Friday, 2 October 2015
Karmic/fear/fate
- Found a post I left unfinished, not what I meant to post today, but I'll add it on for good measure -
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
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