Becoming

Every day, I'm becoming more like the person I'm not. I welcome this change with open arms. I stayed in a crowded area for almost 3 hours. More crowded than I have been in for nearly 2 years now. The other me seems so far away now, and the reparations will take more than a little work, but I'm well on my way there.

I can imagine that in as little as a month or 2, I will finally be ahead, financially. And that will reduce my stress levels even further. Living off a food budget of ~£15 has not been fun for sure. I've done some things recently that seemed out of character for me, yet I'm glad I did them, even if I was turned down. I can also hope that this time next month I'll be back at Cheerleading properly. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time now. Though, my current health state is dire, I plan on fixing that with a regular routine and exercising. The boredom I faced today was a new feeling, one that I can only assume will help with my exercise. I mean, if I'm bored, I have an excuse to go and do something. 

Quitting WoW raiding may be the best thing I have ever done. I think, in no little way, I was addicted to it. And although people joke about gaming addiction, its only after breaking the habit that you realise the true detrimental effect it had on your life. I mean sure, the only reason I got so into it was a series of unfortunate events, but the way I played was vicious and caused me to become a shell of the former me. The me that I now plan to reclaim.

I've read my former posts here, and they are all drivel. Hearty lovey-dovey crap. I was an emotional train wreck. I probably still am to some extent, but I'm not going to let that control me. I have the will here, not my anxiety. Aside from that whole shithole with the Jobcenter last week, everything has been going up and up so far. It took a special push to be able to quit WoW, and even though you are unaware you are responsible, you have changed my life for the better.

I am Kexys. not some whiny shell of a human being. Its time to ake a hold of my own life and fix it in a way that only I can. There are a few things I need to do first though.

1) Get a Job. As soon as possible. As many hours as possible, preferably in a field I enjoy, but any Job I could do would be welcome.

2) Get my ass back to Cheer. I love my squad, and in my heart I never ever stopped being a cheerleader. The only thing that going back can do is make me feel better about myself.

3) Conquer this Anxiety. Whether this means frequent trips ito the bar, until I can stomach the full place all night, or even just taking the lift upstairs to club. I'm going to focus my efforts on fixing what was broken.

4) Find myself a girlfriend. I'm sick of being the single one, or the friend zoned one. Its time I had a woman in my life. I deserve one dammit.

5) Try to be generally nicer to everyone. Spread love and tolerance people. Though, I'm not particularly not nice to anyone. Maybe I'll try and get others to be nicer to everyone.

Last night I had a fantastic dream. Me and a friend were travelling on a train or ship of some kind, and people were dying one by one. In the end, we enlisted the help of the Fae and saved the world. I remember a battle scene where one of our party, and 2 small faeries had slain the big bad, but it resurrected as some nasty tentacled monster on top of the train and killed them. Fortunately, I managed to slay the beast, and I thought that was the end. However, I then attended the funeral for all we had lost, and I realised that the Fae had not been killed, so I released then,and felt a great sense of joy. Every emotion, every touch felt completely real. I woke up disappointed that this hadn't happened.

This change has been long approaching. I have been feeling both my strength and mental fortitude returning to a state in which I can manifest my desire to further myself. Watch out world, Kexys is back on form.