Underdog/4D

Bit of a 2 parter today folks

I dunno why, but I feel like an underdog in most things I do. No matter how hard I work or what I do, I am constantly underrated and it makes me feel under valued. I'm a person that would do anything for anyone, whatever that means for myself. I find myself now on the brink of physical and mental exhaustion as I try and juggle everything that needs to be done. 3 Weeks. That's all I need to hold out for.

No one knows what it's like to be me. The shit I have to face on a daily basis would make other people cringe. I'm sure others have their own problems too, but still, no one really knows what I go through to live a semi normal life. Just plaster on that face and smile Joe, it's for the best, really.

Am I feeling down? I dunno? Maybe. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, strange.

Anyhow, enough of that.

So, yesterday I spoke about the concept of the mind travelling backwards through different timelines to allow someone to view possible outcomes of life, and that has set me off thinking about a whole range of things. Firstly, what if the human brain already possesses this capability? It would explain "prophetic dreams" or the sensation of Deja Vu, as you would be literally reliving an event you had already seen. Looking at it another way, it means that humans, as a species, have much more control over their own destinies than we can ever account for!

But Kex, I hear you ask, if this is true, then why are certain tragedies allowed to occur  The simple answer is for the good of the human race. Without monumental catastrophes to guide us, who knows where we could have ended up. It could cast historical figures in different lights, if it is possible that they could have known what they were getting into before they did it.

According to string theory there are several more dimensions than those that we experience. As a human, I too fall prey to the notion that in order to believe something it must be seen. But thinking of it another way, if 2-dimensional beings were to exist, they would be unable to see us, as we technically would be unable to see them. Everything in out viewable universe is 3D, no matter how small or flat, simply because the atoms that comprise it are in 3D themselves. Surely, the same must apply true for 4th dimensional beings, we should be unable to perceive them, as the us, yet we should be able to occupy the same space. It's all very confusing. I can't even begin to fathom exactly what the 4th spacial dimension would even be.

This whole thing brought me onto another chain of thought. I'm sure I heard somewhere that scientists had managed to run a simulation that emulates a universe being made. If this isn't true, I imagine its only a matter of time before they do. Now, thinking about this, if they can create a universe, will this universe be capable of supporting life, and if it is, will that life be sentient? Could it figure out that it's whole existence is within the giant supercomputer which is essentially god? Surely that has to be a possibility if it is to be an accurate simulation? Now. What if that universe was our universe? We simulated ourselves into existence, and we keep repeating the cycle until everything goes right. What's right? Who knows? Hell, who decides? Now, is this theory and my first theory not essentially the same? Millions of timelines existing simultaeniously, with an overseer guiding it on its path.

My head hurts.

Kex

Zero/Nobody/Butterfly

Have you heard of the Multiverse theory? An infinite number of potential universes all exist simultaneously with each other, depending on any given number of choices people make. A lot of the media I've ingested recently take this one step further, what if you could explore these possibilities.

As stated in Mr Nobody, as long as you don't chose, everything remains possible  What if we could live out one timeline, see how it goes and what we could learn from it, then send our consciousness back to that earlier, make or break decision and go the other way. Imagine the learning possibilities, everything we could find out about ourselves and others, we could all find our way into our perfect lives.

However, removing the capability of failing adds a whole new dimension to life. If something goes wrong, you simply hop back to a prior point and prevent it. But then, if 2 people with opposing views possessed this power, would time simply grind to a halt as the 2 egos battled it out for which future prevailed? Or would the universe simply allow them both to go on in their separate universes.

Of all the superpowers out there, I can't think of any I would rather have than this, the possibilities are literally limitless, and all of its potential applications are incredible. I don't know where I would begin. If you haven't already seen them, I strongly advise watching both Mr. Nobody and The Butterfly Effect until you understand them, the whole concept is mind blowing.

Kex

Smiley

42 unique hits since yesterday, more and more people are reading. 21 of them were from the US. I'm not sure I even know that many people from the US >.>

Why not smile? I go through some real shit, as I supposed everyone does. One of my friends says that how bad something is is relative, and she is pretty much right. But what about when nothing goes wrong but you feel shit about it anyway? Digression, I'm not actually down today. Tired maybe, looking at my workload for the next month, I suppose sleeping has become optional. Should be fun to manage it all.. Digressing again.

I was told today that I'm a very smiley person, something that I haven't been told since college. Does this mean I'm better? I don't know any more, I've gotten so used to wearing this mask, I'm not sure what I enjoy or want now. But I did feel happy, those little things that take me back to the person I want to be again. I think I'm going to get there soon :)

I've decided to do something for myself.

Every day, I will write one thing that made me happy that day, just for myself, it could be one word, it could be 100 pages, but I want to preserve all of the good memories as a way of bringing myself back and pulling me up, should I need it. I'm not going to publish it on here, as I'm not sure it's something I want everyone to say, these are my own private thoughts after all. Number 1 on that list, of course, is: Being told I'm a smiley person :)

I'm gonna fix myself. I don't care what it takes. No more sad! :D

Kex

PS. For those of you who wonder why I call myself Kexys. Kexys was the name of my online Avatar, people knew me as Kexys, and as you know, with internet anonymity, you can be the person you want, say what you want. The kind of person I want to be can do all that in real life. Kexys is a big part of me, as big as any other. If you know me, I suppose it's possible to figure out something about me by deciphering my name :) I'll let you think about that.

Returns

Written 5th April, but I have no internet connection for a while cos I'm staying at my mums, so I'll post when I get home.

Tomorrow I turn 25. Where the fuck did that sneak up from. I remember being 18, a small party with my friends. I remember turning 21, having a party with my whole family, then heading off to Spiders with some people and getting hammered on Vodka and orange juice. I remember last year, when I got a call from my mum, and since then have been visiting most weeks. I also got so off my face that I spent an hour talking to a tennis raquet that I thought was a tiny alien sitting on my windowsill. Good times.

So much has changed since this time last year, yet I almost feel more trapped now. Everyone seems to be away for my birthday, and I don't know what to do with it. I should be going out and getting off my face with my friends, but the fact is I just don't seem to want to. Despite the bonds I have formed this year, I feel further away from people than I ever have before.

I took a reflective look at myself today, and I didn't like what I saw. I want to change. I want to be better than I am now, but I don't know how. I feel like I take everything given to me and fuck it up completely. Whatever I want always seems a little out of my grasp, no matter how far I rise up. I don't know how to interact with people. What use is it being smart if I can't figure out how to be friendly. It's so fucked up. I'm 25 tomorrow, and I still can't follow basic social cues. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Such a strange day today, so much has happened in so little a time. I don't understand people. There's always an undercurrent to people, a hidden motive that people don't want to show to everyone. As a neutral party, I hear most of it, though I imagine there is just as much said about me. I'd rather people say things to my face though, if you have a problem, maybe we can resolve it. There's no point in saying things about it behind my back. I'll be honest, I don't even know if or what people say, but I'm sure there is something. To quote, truth might hurt for a bit now, but lies hurt forever.

Regarding a previous update, I said I would be looking back and kicking myself, and sure enough, I should be. But I'm not, everything that happened, happened in probably a bad way, and I know I could have handled the situation better. You live and learn, and this is one of those experiences that I plan to learn from. Time to look elsewhere and find something thats real and not caught in a dream.

I'm 25 years old tomorrow, and in some ways, I don't feel like I'm mature enough to be that age. But then in others, I feel aged and old, like I have thought too much. I wish I could find a happy medium and just for once, I could make something in my life work. I would give anything to have something happy and simple in my life right now.

Anyway, it's almost time to go meet my sister from work. I should probably plaster that smile back on.

Kexys

Dualogue

Don't take it at face value, it's not always black and white

I hate being a thinker, I hate it so much more than you could ever know. What I wouldn't give to be able to sail through life uncaring, unburdened thought. In the end, it all comes down to something so far out of my control, no matter how much I think about it, nothing I do now can affect any outcome. Have I done enough, too much, not enough. Have I fooled myself, a fanciful trick of the mind designed to give nothing but hurt.

Nothing that's ever worth it is easy.

I'm terrified. Terrified of taking a step that could wreck everything. I don't know what I want, but I know what I have now works and can last, but this new thing, it's strange. I know it's not right to feel like I do, but at the same time, it could be fantastic. I just want to see what happens..

I don't want to hurt anyone, but no matter what I do, I feel like someone is going to get hurt, I don't know if I can do that to them.

-

When you finally find someone you can bond with, form a real connection, unlike any you've had for as long as you can remember, the world seems a whole lot less lonely.

Kexys

Reset

I need to get all this negative energy off myself before midnight. Not having anything disrupt the winter-een-mas vibe this year.

I've felt so lonely recently. Which I know is stupid because I'm surrounded by so many people. It feels almost like I exist independently of them sometimes, whilst at others, I feel smothered by them. The worst part about it is that I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't make things any easier to deal with feeling numb and having anxiety attacks in lessons. People don't understand, and even inadvertently make fun, adding to the stress. I suppose it's my own fault for trying to hide them, but guys, if you see me freaking out, don't torment me about it. Give me a hug damnit :(

Moving onwards, I don't want to dwell any more on that last thought, I've dragged that around for too long. As soon as tomorrow hits, I want a line drawn under this issue.

An hour until Wintereenmas hits. This is the first year I've not had it off work/uni since I was 18. Which is a shame, but I'll just have to go without sleep for the gaming festivities, and what a Wintereenmas it will be, I hope. With any luck, my league application will be approved, meaning I'll be able to TO again, and when I TO again, I can open a shop again! On top of that, I'll be getting back into several games I've not played in years, mostly away from the computer. It is a great deal of work, I'm not going to lie, but doing it will be a lot of fun, and should hopefully generate a little bit of extra income.

And of course Hair. I know it's not part of Wintereenmas, but it's still really enjoyable. Again, it's throwing work at us by the bucketload, but it's nothing we can't handle, and when we do the shows mid-march, we're going to rock the house! :D

Anyway, only a short one today guys. Peace and love. And smile :)

Kex

Review/Resolute

Lets be honest, most people make their resolutions at the new year with little to no intent on following them up. 2012 has been a long, strange trip fr me, and looking back at who I was, and what my aims were at the start of the year, I can barely believe where I have ended up.

For those of you who only met me this year, these words will still not be enough to show you the change I have undergone. I was broken and lost, unsure of my future, and I almost didn't care. I was waiting on my counselling to try and build myself back up, but I never ended up going. What pulled me back from the brink were the friends I made, and ultimately, singing.

As my confidence was building, I found my way to the FDMT carribiean night. Realizing that I actually knew a lot of people there (mainly ex-cheerleaders and NAPA students), I asked about the course, finally deciding that I wanted to go for it. I did my whole application that night, whilst drunk. And though there was a fair wait, I finally got my audition, and was accepted, which gave my confidence a much needed boost.

For the rest of the summer, my thoughts were on knuckling down and making myself well enough to go to Uni. During this time, someone hurt me, and I in turn hurt someone else. That's my largest regret of the year. I could say I'm sorry, but they are simply spoken words. Even so, I am indeed sorry for my actions.

By the summer, I had recovered enough of myself to go back to cheer again. I honestly have no greater love for anything than that that I have for my sport, and going back was just the best feeling in the world, even if, within a week, my nose suffered a nice clean break. I expected a broken bone to hurt more, really. Since then, we've gone away on 2 weekends, with our victory at IDTA being one of my highlights of this year.

With my vocal lessons at the Warren came the voice project, I hinted a lot at a Glee group, and this was a close second for me. I've always loved group and duet singing probably more than I do solo. Because of the Voice, I made new friends. The best part about being at the Warren is the fact that noone will judge you. I could be nothing but myself there, and still be accepted by all my friends.

Quicker than expected, September rolled around, and my life at Uni began. This was my testament to all the progress I had made, and all the people who have helped me make it. I had expected a lot of hard work, but I never expected to learn as much as I did in such a short time. I went in still unsure about myself, but the people around me helped me keep myself together.

Everyone in my class is amazing. No, literally every single person. There have been ups and downs between us all, but ultimately, I love every one of them. We came together as a class and put on our Revue show, which was a huge success, coming down to the fact of the talent of everyone involved, and the help of everyone involved in the production who dragged us along and pulled this show out of us.

I look back now to my new years resolutions of 2012, and I come away knowing that I accomplished most of them in some form. They may have been done indirectly, but they are all a success:

1) Get a job. Not a job as such, but I am at Uni, which is a good equivalent for me. I also do Saturdays at the bar, which I do really enjoy.

2) Get my ass back to cheer. I already covered this one! Successful resolution.

3) Conquer this anxiety. I'm not all there yet, but my improvement is phenomenal  I feel like I can keep making steps forward.

4) Get a girlfriend. Complicated one. Even I'm not sure where this stands, being right now or the whole rest of the year. My bonds with other people, especially females from my past have changed drastically, and now I'm in a convoluted mess I would very much like to escape from. The underlying concept of this however, although not a success, I consider the bonds I have formed with others to be far more valuable at the moment.

5) Try to be nicer to everyone. Heh, lame right. I think I may have ascended to sainthood though, when a guy who punched me (in my already broken nose no less), I ended up walking him home and giving him a hug. I think I'll make a slightly altered version of this for next year though :)

So yeah, mostly a success. I'd give myself a healthy 4/5 for resolutions, which is a success in my book. Now is the time to look forward, and plan for next year. I want 5 again, but I'm not sure what yet, we'll see what comes out:

1) Fix my health. Fitness! I keep saying it, and while I have lost weight and gotten fitter, I'm still not at the standard that I would like to be, so lets make a regime and stick to it. Hit the gym (When the funding comes through) Sort yourself out!

2) Up your confidence! In a similar vein to my anxiety from last year, I feel confident in myself enough to function, now I need to be confident enough to perform to people that aren't myself!

3) Become more organised, and pass this year. Organisation is by far my biggest flaw in my Uni work. I pledge to have a draft ready 2 weeks before the hand in date, and make sure each piece of work is checked through by the tutors, and submitted BEFORE the deadline day.

4) Continue to form and strengthen bonds. I know, this is commonplace for most people, but for someone like me who finds social interaction hard, this is a big thing. It's not that I don't enjoy social interaction, I'm just not too good at it, and that makes me come across as awkward.

5) Not let myself get overworked and lose myself. I want to do everything I need to to succeed, but I realize after a long 3 months that I also need to find time to myself to game, write, and reply to E-mails more often (sorry Aki-chan <3)

There we go, 5 resolutions. I reckon I can manage them. I'll start the Re:fit blog when my funding comes through and I can actually do things properly, no excuses this time Joe! Anyway thanks for sticking out this far, I know it's been a long one, I wanted to write acknowledgements about all the people in my life this year, but I don't think I'd ever stop writing.

Mum
Dad
Lucy
Adam
Bessie
Emily
Ellie
Sue
Aki-Chan
Jade
Helen
Katie, Lauren, Rosie, Carly and everyone at the Warren
Julie, Sheridan, Maget, Ben, Staci, Joe, Danny, Stocksy, Craig, Leah, Gentah, Beth, Squid, Shannon,
Becca, Imogen, Ruby, Ella, Jessica and any other Redz/DWS that I may have missed.
Chip, Sara, Marc, Richard, Ginger, Maurice, T3, Terry, Tom and the rest of Humberside Wargames society.
Aelius, Aaron, Matt, Doushie, Darthax, Lynora, Elva, Dayle, Eminos, Free, Lich, Ryan, and the rest of UE
Tom, Jade, Nommy, Bannah, Shaun, Ben, Samba, Jess, Sarah, Abbie, Amy, Stuart, Jack, Eli, Jesus, Mikey, and everyone else on the Musical Theater course.
Kerrie, Brian, Val, Mark, Sue, Jez and Becky, our tutors
And everyone else who has made an impact on my life this year.

Thank you all for being the most amazing people. I feel honoured to be friends with you.

Have a great 2013 everyone,
Kex