Returns

Written 5th April, but I have no internet connection for a while cos I'm staying at my mums, so I'll post when I get home.

Tomorrow I turn 25. Where the fuck did that sneak up from. I remember being 18, a small party with my friends. I remember turning 21, having a party with my whole family, then heading off to Spiders with some people and getting hammered on Vodka and orange juice. I remember last year, when I got a call from my mum, and since then have been visiting most weeks. I also got so off my face that I spent an hour talking to a tennis raquet that I thought was a tiny alien sitting on my windowsill. Good times.

So much has changed since this time last year, yet I almost feel more trapped now. Everyone seems to be away for my birthday, and I don't know what to do with it. I should be going out and getting off my face with my friends, but the fact is I just don't seem to want to. Despite the bonds I have formed this year, I feel further away from people than I ever have before.

I took a reflective look at myself today, and I didn't like what I saw. I want to change. I want to be better than I am now, but I don't know how. I feel like I take everything given to me and fuck it up completely. Whatever I want always seems a little out of my grasp, no matter how far I rise up. I don't know how to interact with people. What use is it being smart if I can't figure out how to be friendly. It's so fucked up. I'm 25 tomorrow, and I still can't follow basic social cues. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Such a strange day today, so much has happened in so little a time. I don't understand people. There's always an undercurrent to people, a hidden motive that people don't want to show to everyone. As a neutral party, I hear most of it, though I imagine there is just as much said about me. I'd rather people say things to my face though, if you have a problem, maybe we can resolve it. There's no point in saying things about it behind my back. I'll be honest, I don't even know if or what people say, but I'm sure there is something. To quote, truth might hurt for a bit now, but lies hurt forever.

Regarding a previous update, I said I would be looking back and kicking myself, and sure enough, I should be. But I'm not, everything that happened, happened in probably a bad way, and I know I could have handled the situation better. You live and learn, and this is one of those experiences that I plan to learn from. Time to look elsewhere and find something thats real and not caught in a dream.

I'm 25 years old tomorrow, and in some ways, I don't feel like I'm mature enough to be that age. But then in others, I feel aged and old, like I have thought too much. I wish I could find a happy medium and just for once, I could make something in my life work. I would give anything to have something happy and simple in my life right now.

Anyway, it's almost time to go meet my sister from work. I should probably plaster that smile back on.

Kexys