Okay so, let's take a look back at where I am and how I got here.
Three weeks ago I was a wreck. Barely sustained by a life of escaping reality with no real purpose. Three weeks ago I had written off a year of my life to recover and become well. Three weeks ago I thought the world was scary. Three weeks ago I thought I was alone. Three weeks ago I thought everything hated me. Three weeks ago I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come out, because what was the point?
Two weeks ago I had a moment of lucidity and set myself on a course of life. Two weeks ago I was terrified. Two weeks ago I was a wreck. Two weeks ago I thought that I was doomed to fail and that everything I touched was going to become shit. Two weeks ago I decided to become strong. Two weeks ago I looked at healthy eating. Two weeks ago I consigned myself to get through whatever life threw at me. Two weeks ago I was seething with anger.
One week ago I learnt not everything is as scary as you perceive. One week ago I learnt you villainise people from your past as it helps you deal with losing them. One week ago I was beginning to feel accepted again. One week ago I had started my meat and salad diet. One week ago I noticed I was pulling my belt to more notches. One week ago I felt more healthy. One week ago I slept the night through. One week ago I found a part of myself I thought I'd lost.
Today I keep feeling better. Today I not only worked with someone I never thought I would, it was productive, we got a lot done, it was even kind of fun. Today made friends easily. Today I spoke out in a crowded room easily. Today I attempted to better myself off my own back. Today I realised I don't have to be "not broken", I just have to appreciate myself for what I am. Today I realised my anxiety isn't a curse, it's just a part of me. Today I'm sitting here not talking to someone I want to because I'm a fool.
Tomorrow I'm going to keep getting better. Tomorrow I'm not going to hold back. Tomorrow, I'm going to be me again. Tomorrow, I am nobodies fool.
Kexys
Saturday 26 September 2015
Thursday 24 September 2015
Tuesday 22 September 2015
Miracle
I've come to realise that miracles, though they can occur, don't happen nearly often as they should. If there is something you want, you can sit back, waiting on a miracle, or you can go out and do everything in your power to attain it.
I don't expect things to happen overnight, or any kind of short time frame. But progress is progress, and when you can see little things happening day by day, it's a real work up. Currently, I have 3 goals for this next year, and I will make them work, in only the last week, my situation on all of them has improved visibly. But when the easiest of these goals is beating out the competition to get a lead in a musical, the rest must be something special.
But it's all work, work that you can't be afraid to dive headlong into. Nothing is to be attained by sitting on my hands and waiting. I need to bring what I want to me. It's just time and work. And in a perfect world a miracle would happen, and that day would finally be here. But it will be, just you wait and see.
I'm not holding back any more.
V
I don't expect things to happen overnight, or any kind of short time frame. But progress is progress, and when you can see little things happening day by day, it's a real work up. Currently, I have 3 goals for this next year, and I will make them work, in only the last week, my situation on all of them has improved visibly. But when the easiest of these goals is beating out the competition to get a lead in a musical, the rest must be something special.
But it's all work, work that you can't be afraid to dive headlong into. Nothing is to be attained by sitting on my hands and waiting. I need to bring what I want to me. It's just time and work. And in a perfect world a miracle would happen, and that day would finally be here. But it will be, just you wait and see.
I'm not holding back any more.
V
Sunday 20 September 2015
Psycho
That rush of euphoria when you nail a song you've been practising for a while, but never quite managed. My latest hurdle was "Meant to be Yours" from Heathers, which is just an all out beltfest, and absolutely exhausting, and after 4 days, I've finally got it to a happy starting point. Still plenty of a way to go with it though. Considering doing this for my technique song this year, as it has a lot to work on.
There is every possibility we'll be doing Heathers for our show this year, and if we do, and the irony of auditioning for the part of "psycho boyfriend" is not lost on me, but I love the part, and the show, and won't settle for less. Don't misunderstand, Ram and Kurt are both really good roles with a lot to do, but something about JD resonates with me, that, and I don't much fancy spending the entire second act in my underwear.
It's gonna be a tough road, but I'm already on it. Whether we do Heathers or not, fitness and vocal excercises are going to stay a daily routine. As soon as it's confirmed, I'll get the script and the character down. This is one of the 3 things I'm going to accomplish this year, and nothing is going to stop me!
Stay strong folks,
Kexys
There is every possibility we'll be doing Heathers for our show this year, and if we do, and the irony of auditioning for the part of "psycho boyfriend" is not lost on me, but I love the part, and the show, and won't settle for less. Don't misunderstand, Ram and Kurt are both really good roles with a lot to do, but something about JD resonates with me, that, and I don't much fancy spending the entire second act in my underwear.
It's gonna be a tough road, but I'm already on it. Whether we do Heathers or not, fitness and vocal excercises are going to stay a daily routine. As soon as it's confirmed, I'll get the script and the character down. This is one of the 3 things I'm going to accomplish this year, and nothing is going to stop me!
Stay strong folks,
Kexys
Thursday 17 September 2015
Re:start
Last night was the first time I've slept through 8 hours in about 6 months. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel well and rested in the mornings.
Feel like a weight is off my shoulders. The day was nothing as I'd imagined, but better. Anxiety took over, but was unwarranted. I didn't know what to say, or how to act, so, for the most part, I didn't, but that was okay, as when I did, it was listened to. And though it was obviously awkward for all parties, I respect them all for their professionalism, even after the lesson ended and it wasn't required. These gestures spoke volumes and kick started the healing process that had been stagnated for so long. The process may be slow for now, but I have high hopes.
In addition to my counselling, this has raised my mood volumes, and I feel physically better for it. Mental health is such a fragile thing that can affect you massively in ways you don't realise.
In addition, I've started what I'm dubbing the cucumber diet. I genuinely think I'm addicted to cucumbers. They taste amazing and are apparently really good for you. Could live off the things. The people in Sainsbury's are starting to look at me funny for the strange amount of cucumbers I've suddenly started buying, but hey, if it works, it works!
Here's to a good, healthy year, fixing what's broken on every front. I know it can and will work. I will get everything I want this year.
Kexys.
Feel like a weight is off my shoulders. The day was nothing as I'd imagined, but better. Anxiety took over, but was unwarranted. I didn't know what to say, or how to act, so, for the most part, I didn't, but that was okay, as when I did, it was listened to. And though it was obviously awkward for all parties, I respect them all for their professionalism, even after the lesson ended and it wasn't required. These gestures spoke volumes and kick started the healing process that had been stagnated for so long. The process may be slow for now, but I have high hopes.
In addition to my counselling, this has raised my mood volumes, and I feel physically better for it. Mental health is such a fragile thing that can affect you massively in ways you don't realise.
In addition, I've started what I'm dubbing the cucumber diet. I genuinely think I'm addicted to cucumbers. They taste amazing and are apparently really good for you. Could live off the things. The people in Sainsbury's are starting to look at me funny for the strange amount of cucumbers I've suddenly started buying, but hey, if it works, it works!
Here's to a good, healthy year, fixing what's broken on every front. I know it can and will work. I will get everything I want this year.
Kexys.
Wednesday 9 September 2015
Mind Reader
*Disclaimer* - This is not about anyone in particular, all points are general and just musings of an anxious mind.
I have an uncanny ability to read people.
That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.
But what about that one time it isn't?
Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.
This causes problems.
My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.
And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.
Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.
But you can't turn it off.
There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.
The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.
But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.
That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.
So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.
Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.
Much love folks,
Kexys
I have an uncanny ability to read people.
That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.
But what about that one time it isn't?
Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.
This causes problems.
My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.
And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.
Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.
But you can't turn it off.
There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.
The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.
But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.
That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.
So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.
Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.
Much love folks,
Kexys
Friday 4 September 2015
Moving forward
You can run and hide forever, but you'll never progress by doing so. The only way to move forward is to fight through your fears and overcome the obstacles you face. In my case, the obstacle was being anti-confrontational and anxious, so hiding from the world in response to a threat. But hiding away is not a good place to be.
Initially, I had written off the next year, as a chance to explore myself and become well again. But this break has taught me that there is no way that can be the case. Sitting alone, in my room is the exact opposite of what I need to sort myself out, and though the choice may be a bad one, it is the only one that made sense.
It's counter-intuitive for a sufferer of anxiety to throw themselves into a hostile environment, and I don't expect things to be sunshine and rainbows, not even the slightest. If I can survive this, however, I can survive anything this world wants to throw at me, The only way for me to recover is to take it head on and show the world I'm not afraid, even if inside, I'm terrified.
For those of you not in the know to what this is pertaining to, I have re-enrolled in University to do my third year again after my mental state knocked me for six last year. That wouldn't be a problem, as the only way I currently cope at my darkest is through channelling my emotions into my singing, so more of that is sure to help. However, my history with the class is.. Rocky to say the least, and many of them will not be happy to see me.
But whatever happens, I refuse to be bogged down. I will end this year with my head held high, having beaten every obstacle and being a hundred times stronger for it. That's the plan, anyway. If my time in the theatre has taught me anything:
Something has changed within me, something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap.
Kexys
Initially, I had written off the next year, as a chance to explore myself and become well again. But this break has taught me that there is no way that can be the case. Sitting alone, in my room is the exact opposite of what I need to sort myself out, and though the choice may be a bad one, it is the only one that made sense.
It's counter-intuitive for a sufferer of anxiety to throw themselves into a hostile environment, and I don't expect things to be sunshine and rainbows, not even the slightest. If I can survive this, however, I can survive anything this world wants to throw at me, The only way for me to recover is to take it head on and show the world I'm not afraid, even if inside, I'm terrified.
For those of you not in the know to what this is pertaining to, I have re-enrolled in University to do my third year again after my mental state knocked me for six last year. That wouldn't be a problem, as the only way I currently cope at my darkest is through channelling my emotions into my singing, so more of that is sure to help. However, my history with the class is.. Rocky to say the least, and many of them will not be happy to see me.
But whatever happens, I refuse to be bogged down. I will end this year with my head held high, having beaten every obstacle and being a hundred times stronger for it. That's the plan, anyway. If my time in the theatre has taught me anything:
Something has changed within me, something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap.
Kexys
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