Last night was the first time I've slept through 8 hours in about 6 months. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel well and rested in the mornings.
Feel like a weight is off my shoulders. The day was nothing as I'd imagined, but better. Anxiety took over, but was unwarranted. I didn't know what to say, or how to act, so, for the most part, I didn't, but that was okay, as when I did, it was listened to. And though it was obviously awkward for all parties, I respect them all for their professionalism, even after the lesson ended and it wasn't required. These gestures spoke volumes and kick started the healing process that had been stagnated for so long. The process may be slow for now, but I have high hopes.
In addition to my counselling, this has raised my mood volumes, and I feel physically better for it. Mental health is such a fragile thing that can affect you massively in ways you don't realise.
In addition, I've started what I'm dubbing the cucumber diet. I genuinely think I'm addicted to cucumbers. They taste amazing and are apparently really good for you. Could live off the things. The people in Sainsbury's are starting to look at me funny for the strange amount of cucumbers I've suddenly started buying, but hey, if it works, it works!
Here's to a good, healthy year, fixing what's broken on every front. I know it can and will work. I will get everything I want this year.
Kexys.
Thursday, 17 September 2015
Wednesday, 9 September 2015
Mind Reader
*Disclaimer* - This is not about anyone in particular, all points are general and just musings of an anxious mind.
I have an uncanny ability to read people.
That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.
But what about that one time it isn't?
Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.
This causes problems.
My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.
And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.
Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.
But you can't turn it off.
There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.
The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.
But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.
That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.
So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.
Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.
Much love folks,
Kexys
I have an uncanny ability to read people.
That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.
But what about that one time it isn't?
Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.
This causes problems.
My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.
And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.
Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.
But you can't turn it off.
There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.
The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.
But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.
That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.
So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.
Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.
Much love folks,
Kexys
Friday, 4 September 2015
Moving forward
You can run and hide forever, but you'll never progress by doing so. The only way to move forward is to fight through your fears and overcome the obstacles you face. In my case, the obstacle was being anti-confrontational and anxious, so hiding from the world in response to a threat. But hiding away is not a good place to be.
Initially, I had written off the next year, as a chance to explore myself and become well again. But this break has taught me that there is no way that can be the case. Sitting alone, in my room is the exact opposite of what I need to sort myself out, and though the choice may be a bad one, it is the only one that made sense.
It's counter-intuitive for a sufferer of anxiety to throw themselves into a hostile environment, and I don't expect things to be sunshine and rainbows, not even the slightest. If I can survive this, however, I can survive anything this world wants to throw at me, The only way for me to recover is to take it head on and show the world I'm not afraid, even if inside, I'm terrified.
For those of you not in the know to what this is pertaining to, I have re-enrolled in University to do my third year again after my mental state knocked me for six last year. That wouldn't be a problem, as the only way I currently cope at my darkest is through channelling my emotions into my singing, so more of that is sure to help. However, my history with the class is.. Rocky to say the least, and many of them will not be happy to see me.
But whatever happens, I refuse to be bogged down. I will end this year with my head held high, having beaten every obstacle and being a hundred times stronger for it. That's the plan, anyway. If my time in the theatre has taught me anything:
Something has changed within me, something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap.
Kexys
Initially, I had written off the next year, as a chance to explore myself and become well again. But this break has taught me that there is no way that can be the case. Sitting alone, in my room is the exact opposite of what I need to sort myself out, and though the choice may be a bad one, it is the only one that made sense.
It's counter-intuitive for a sufferer of anxiety to throw themselves into a hostile environment, and I don't expect things to be sunshine and rainbows, not even the slightest. If I can survive this, however, I can survive anything this world wants to throw at me, The only way for me to recover is to take it head on and show the world I'm not afraid, even if inside, I'm terrified.
For those of you not in the know to what this is pertaining to, I have re-enrolled in University to do my third year again after my mental state knocked me for six last year. That wouldn't be a problem, as the only way I currently cope at my darkest is through channelling my emotions into my singing, so more of that is sure to help. However, my history with the class is.. Rocky to say the least, and many of them will not be happy to see me.
But whatever happens, I refuse to be bogged down. I will end this year with my head held high, having beaten every obstacle and being a hundred times stronger for it. That's the plan, anyway. If my time in the theatre has taught me anything:
Something has changed within me, something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap.
Kexys
Saturday, 21 February 2015
Shades of Grey
No, this isn't about the movie, nor BDSM or abusive relationships in any way (I think), so if you're here for smut, move along please. It's a sad time when you feel like you can't say a phrase you've been using for at least half your life because some book or movie has come out and completely re-wrote the meaning of it!
Why is everything all so confusing nowadays? I miss playground days when it all seemed so black and white, now everything is (figuratively and literally) all shades of grey with no easily desirable outcome. Can we just go back to that simpler time when every word wasn't about internal politics of keeping everyone happy? Is it so hard to get a straight answer, or to not send mixed signals bouncing around everywhere?
I mean, personally, I try and be as honest as possible, within a certain amount of tact. I give compliments when they are due, and am fairly stoic, cold and sarcastic the rest of the time, by my own estimation. Anyone who was 100% brutal would become very lonely, very fast, and as humans, that is the opposite of what we're programmed to do.
I mean humans are ultimately selfish, egotistical creatures, and the easiest way to fuel that ego-centric behaviour is to receive the praise and admiration of others, which is what today's society has become. Even the least selfish of us strive to hear the compliments from someone you seek to impress, whether it be the director who's been constantly berating you, a parent or other family member, or someone who used to be a huge part of your life. That praise feeds our ego and keeps us working towards our goals.
But equally, it's easy enough to pull yourself in, to become too attached to that feeling, and when you do, you become an addict, constantly pressing in ways to hear that next bit of praise, if not from the person that you want it from, then from anyone else who will give it to you. The feeling of someone who used to give compliments to you regularly just pulling away and no longer sending them is something that most people don't know they fear. It ties well into abandonment or loss of sentimentality. We've all done it, grown out of touch with friends or out of love with partners, and we've all felt their last gasp as they try to hold on to something that you can no longer keep there.
It all goes down to the bonds people share, and how much those bonds are valued. It is almost an impossibility that two people see each other in exactly the same light, so someone will always value those bonds higher than the other, which is where problems start to arise. And it's not even as if those bonds are fixed, many events can influence the strength of them. Words, especially. Back to those beautiful, terrible, all powerful words. The single most creative and destructive force on this world.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this today, but I felt the urge to write, and so I did. Food for thought for some, hopefully, for others maybe a realisation. And for a few I imagine a "What the fuck is this guy harping on about now".. But hey, life!
Kexys
Why is everything all so confusing nowadays? I miss playground days when it all seemed so black and white, now everything is (figuratively and literally) all shades of grey with no easily desirable outcome. Can we just go back to that simpler time when every word wasn't about internal politics of keeping everyone happy? Is it so hard to get a straight answer, or to not send mixed signals bouncing around everywhere?
I mean, personally, I try and be as honest as possible, within a certain amount of tact. I give compliments when they are due, and am fairly stoic, cold and sarcastic the rest of the time, by my own estimation. Anyone who was 100% brutal would become very lonely, very fast, and as humans, that is the opposite of what we're programmed to do.
I mean humans are ultimately selfish, egotistical creatures, and the easiest way to fuel that ego-centric behaviour is to receive the praise and admiration of others, which is what today's society has become. Even the least selfish of us strive to hear the compliments from someone you seek to impress, whether it be the director who's been constantly berating you, a parent or other family member, or someone who used to be a huge part of your life. That praise feeds our ego and keeps us working towards our goals.
But equally, it's easy enough to pull yourself in, to become too attached to that feeling, and when you do, you become an addict, constantly pressing in ways to hear that next bit of praise, if not from the person that you want it from, then from anyone else who will give it to you. The feeling of someone who used to give compliments to you regularly just pulling away and no longer sending them is something that most people don't know they fear. It ties well into abandonment or loss of sentimentality. We've all done it, grown out of touch with friends or out of love with partners, and we've all felt their last gasp as they try to hold on to something that you can no longer keep there.
It all goes down to the bonds people share, and how much those bonds are valued. It is almost an impossibility that two people see each other in exactly the same light, so someone will always value those bonds higher than the other, which is where problems start to arise. And it's not even as if those bonds are fixed, many events can influence the strength of them. Words, especially. Back to those beautiful, terrible, all powerful words. The single most creative and destructive force on this world.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this today, but I felt the urge to write, and so I did. Food for thought for some, hopefully, for others maybe a realisation. And for a few I imagine a "What the fuck is this guy harping on about now".. But hey, life!
Kexys
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Despair
So a long post this time, at least, it feels long. This last year has been a very
transitional one for me. I’ve grown a lot as a person, but at the same time, I
feel enclosed within myself. Struggling for motivation with well, anything. I
don’t write essays, learn line/scripts.. Everything I’ve done perfectly for the
last 2 years, and I’m starting to fuck it up now. And my recent changes aren’t necessarily
anything to do with this, as this has been an ongoing thing for months now. But
the stress of everything, massive amounts of change weighing down on me like
anvils on my chest, and having no one to turn to about it has seriously fucked
me up.
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
Saturday, 10 January 2015
Re:birth
What a long, strange trip it's been.
Life is a funny thing, doncha think?
Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.
There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then. You know what that says to me?
It tells me I'm better
The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.
I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.
I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.
No longer will my fears control me.
It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.
Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..
Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.
Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.
I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.
My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.
I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.
I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)
Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)
Life is a funny thing, doncha think?
Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.
There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then. You know what that says to me?
It tells me I'm better
The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.
I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.
I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.
No longer will my fears control me.
It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.
Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..
Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.
Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.
I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.
My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.
I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.
I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)
Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Words
People have different outlets, for some people they just brush everything off, others paint pictures or play games to release their stress. None of this ever seemed to work for me, so I have come to the conclusion that my most productive outlet is simply writing. Words, flowing out of my mind and onto the page creating a tangible link to my thoughts
Powerful things, words, the right combination in the right ear, at the right time can do anything, the possibilities are endless. I have raised people from depression to happiness, whilst also lowering people to cry. I've drawn people in, and forced people out, both stopped and started fights, all with the words that came out of me. The many words said on here have both helped people to understand me, and caused conflict where there should have been none.
Your whole life, you go through events, good and bad. And these events, they shape you to be the person you are today. Every interaction with people builds bonds which tug at you and shape you. Who knows what the world would be like without you in it, chances are, if you hadn't gone through that shit, someone else would have instead, and you have saved them from that fate by accepting it onto yourself.
Today I finally felt like everything made sense. Like every event that had happened for my whole life has lead me to here, and I'm using them all to be ready to face whatever is next. I'm finally understanding what all the songs were about and how to move my life forward and stop dwelling in the past.. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.. Nothing's like before.
I feel ready to step forward and face the future and all it holds, I won't let myself be help back by all the shit in my past, and instead, draw from the experiences to fuel what I need in my future. I'm ready to walk forwards once again.
I'm still crazy. I still have the occasional panic attacks and retreat. But I've accepted myself for who and what I am. And so, with that in mind, I have made the decision to halt my words, and close my blog. I honestly feel like I don't need it any more. My days of unleashing my words are over. I'll leave the posts up, but I'm hoping that this will be my final post here.
Thank you to all the readers of my 30 posts. Thank you for trying to understand me. Thank you for taking the time and interest in my life. For those of you that have followed me for a while, don't be sad that this is over, but be happy that I finally feel sure enough in myself to hold my words where they should be. I'll see you all around.
Kexys
Powerful things, words, the right combination in the right ear, at the right time can do anything, the possibilities are endless. I have raised people from depression to happiness, whilst also lowering people to cry. I've drawn people in, and forced people out, both stopped and started fights, all with the words that came out of me. The many words said on here have both helped people to understand me, and caused conflict where there should have been none.
Your whole life, you go through events, good and bad. And these events, they shape you to be the person you are today. Every interaction with people builds bonds which tug at you and shape you. Who knows what the world would be like without you in it, chances are, if you hadn't gone through that shit, someone else would have instead, and you have saved them from that fate by accepting it onto yourself.
Today I finally felt like everything made sense. Like every event that had happened for my whole life has lead me to here, and I'm using them all to be ready to face whatever is next. I'm finally understanding what all the songs were about and how to move my life forward and stop dwelling in the past.. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.. Nothing's like before.
I feel ready to step forward and face the future and all it holds, I won't let myself be help back by all the shit in my past, and instead, draw from the experiences to fuel what I need in my future. I'm ready to walk forwards once again.
I'm still crazy. I still have the occasional panic attacks and retreat. But I've accepted myself for who and what I am. And so, with that in mind, I have made the decision to halt my words, and close my blog. I honestly feel like I don't need it any more. My days of unleashing my words are over. I'll leave the posts up, but I'm hoping that this will be my final post here.
Thank you to all the readers of my 30 posts. Thank you for trying to understand me. Thank you for taking the time and interest in my life. For those of you that have followed me for a while, don't be sad that this is over, but be happy that I finally feel sure enough in myself to hold my words where they should be. I'll see you all around.
Kexys
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