No, this isn't about the movie, nor BDSM or abusive relationships in any way (I think), so if you're here for smut, move along please. It's a sad time when you feel like you can't say a phrase you've been using for at least half your life because some book or movie has come out and completely re-wrote the meaning of it!
Why is everything all so confusing nowadays? I miss playground days when it all seemed so black and white, now everything is (figuratively and literally) all shades of grey with no easily desirable outcome. Can we just go back to that simpler time when every word wasn't about internal politics of keeping everyone happy? Is it so hard to get a straight answer, or to not send mixed signals bouncing around everywhere?
I mean, personally, I try and be as honest as possible, within a certain amount of tact. I give compliments when they are due, and am fairly stoic, cold and sarcastic the rest of the time, by my own estimation. Anyone who was 100% brutal would become very lonely, very fast, and as humans, that is the opposite of what we're programmed to do.
I mean humans are ultimately selfish, egotistical creatures, and the easiest way to fuel that ego-centric behaviour is to receive the praise and admiration of others, which is what today's society has become. Even the least selfish of us strive to hear the compliments from someone you seek to impress, whether it be the director who's been constantly berating you, a parent or other family member, or someone who used to be a huge part of your life. That praise feeds our ego and keeps us working towards our goals.
But equally, it's easy enough to pull yourself in, to become too attached to that feeling, and when you do, you become an addict, constantly pressing in ways to hear that next bit of praise, if not from the person that you want it from, then from anyone else who will give it to you. The feeling of someone who used to give compliments to you regularly just pulling away and no longer sending them is something that most people don't know they fear. It ties well into abandonment or loss of sentimentality. We've all done it, grown out of touch with friends or out of love with partners, and we've all felt their last gasp as they try to hold on to something that you can no longer keep there.
It all goes down to the bonds people share, and how much those bonds are valued. It is almost an impossibility that two people see each other in exactly the same light, so someone will always value those bonds higher than the other, which is where problems start to arise. And it's not even as if those bonds are fixed, many events can influence the strength of them. Words, especially. Back to those beautiful, terrible, all powerful words. The single most creative and destructive force on this world.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this today, but I felt the urge to write, and so I did. Food for thought for some, hopefully, for others maybe a realisation. And for a few I imagine a "What the fuck is this guy harping on about now".. But hey, life!
Kexys
Saturday, 21 February 2015
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Despair
So a long post this time, at least, it feels long. This last year has been a very
transitional one for me. I’ve grown a lot as a person, but at the same time, I
feel enclosed within myself. Struggling for motivation with well, anything. I
don’t write essays, learn line/scripts.. Everything I’ve done perfectly for the
last 2 years, and I’m starting to fuck it up now. And my recent changes aren’t necessarily
anything to do with this, as this has been an ongoing thing for months now. But
the stress of everything, massive amounts of change weighing down on me like
anvils on my chest, and having no one to turn to about it has seriously fucked
me up.
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
Saturday, 10 January 2015
Re:birth
What a long, strange trip it's been.
Life is a funny thing, doncha think?
Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.
There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then. You know what that says to me?
It tells me I'm better
The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.
I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.
I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.
No longer will my fears control me.
It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.
Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..
Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.
Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.
I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.
My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.
I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.
I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)
Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)
Life is a funny thing, doncha think?
Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.
There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then. You know what that says to me?
It tells me I'm better
The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.
I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.
I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.
No longer will my fears control me.
It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.
Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..
Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.
Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.
I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.
My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.
I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.
I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)
Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Words
People have different outlets, for some people they just brush everything off, others paint pictures or play games to release their stress. None of this ever seemed to work for me, so I have come to the conclusion that my most productive outlet is simply writing. Words, flowing out of my mind and onto the page creating a tangible link to my thoughts
Powerful things, words, the right combination in the right ear, at the right time can do anything, the possibilities are endless. I have raised people from depression to happiness, whilst also lowering people to cry. I've drawn people in, and forced people out, both stopped and started fights, all with the words that came out of me. The many words said on here have both helped people to understand me, and caused conflict where there should have been none.
Your whole life, you go through events, good and bad. And these events, they shape you to be the person you are today. Every interaction with people builds bonds which tug at you and shape you. Who knows what the world would be like without you in it, chances are, if you hadn't gone through that shit, someone else would have instead, and you have saved them from that fate by accepting it onto yourself.
Today I finally felt like everything made sense. Like every event that had happened for my whole life has lead me to here, and I'm using them all to be ready to face whatever is next. I'm finally understanding what all the songs were about and how to move my life forward and stop dwelling in the past.. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.. Nothing's like before.
I feel ready to step forward and face the future and all it holds, I won't let myself be help back by all the shit in my past, and instead, draw from the experiences to fuel what I need in my future. I'm ready to walk forwards once again.
I'm still crazy. I still have the occasional panic attacks and retreat. But I've accepted myself for who and what I am. And so, with that in mind, I have made the decision to halt my words, and close my blog. I honestly feel like I don't need it any more. My days of unleashing my words are over. I'll leave the posts up, but I'm hoping that this will be my final post here.
Thank you to all the readers of my 30 posts. Thank you for trying to understand me. Thank you for taking the time and interest in my life. For those of you that have followed me for a while, don't be sad that this is over, but be happy that I finally feel sure enough in myself to hold my words where they should be. I'll see you all around.
Kexys
Powerful things, words, the right combination in the right ear, at the right time can do anything, the possibilities are endless. I have raised people from depression to happiness, whilst also lowering people to cry. I've drawn people in, and forced people out, both stopped and started fights, all with the words that came out of me. The many words said on here have both helped people to understand me, and caused conflict where there should have been none.
Your whole life, you go through events, good and bad. And these events, they shape you to be the person you are today. Every interaction with people builds bonds which tug at you and shape you. Who knows what the world would be like without you in it, chances are, if you hadn't gone through that shit, someone else would have instead, and you have saved them from that fate by accepting it onto yourself.
Today I finally felt like everything made sense. Like every event that had happened for my whole life has lead me to here, and I'm using them all to be ready to face whatever is next. I'm finally understanding what all the songs were about and how to move my life forward and stop dwelling in the past.. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.. Nothing's like before.
I feel ready to step forward and face the future and all it holds, I won't let myself be help back by all the shit in my past, and instead, draw from the experiences to fuel what I need in my future. I'm ready to walk forwards once again.
I'm still crazy. I still have the occasional panic attacks and retreat. But I've accepted myself for who and what I am. And so, with that in mind, I have made the decision to halt my words, and close my blog. I honestly feel like I don't need it any more. My days of unleashing my words are over. I'll leave the posts up, but I'm hoping that this will be my final post here.
Thank you to all the readers of my 30 posts. Thank you for trying to understand me. Thank you for taking the time and interest in my life. For those of you that have followed me for a while, don't be sad that this is over, but be happy that I finally feel sure enough in myself to hold my words where they should be. I'll see you all around.
Kexys
Saturday, 16 November 2013
Boiling Point
Incase you didn't read the disclaimer, the thoughts I post here are from my mind and are meant for me. It's not about telling on people, that's why I don't use any names. It's not about making people feel sorry for me, it's about me getting all the shit that is bothering me out of my mind and onto somewhere else. If you don't like what you're reading then fuck off, this isn't for you. It's for me, and the people that want to try and understand me. I don't have to explain myself to anyone for the words I write on here.
To the people that took offense to yesterdays blog: I drew the line under everything, then blogged it out to clear my mind. It wasn't an attack on anyone, it was meant for me. Yes, I'm a selfish cunt, handle it.
To the people that want apologies for anything I said in the blog or at all yesterday: I gave out all the apologies to the people that deserved them. You can hold your breath all you want, if you ain't got one already, it's because I'm not sorry. Simple as that.
To the people that say "You have to talk about it" "Don't bottle it all up" ect. I do talk about it. Just not to you. Because you don't understand, and you can't understand. You prove this by making comments, or forcing me into situations that just MAKE THINGS WORSE. And you would do this more if I ever tried to explain what I was thinking. That's also the reason I write on here, so things aren't bottled up.
When you're dealing with a depressive anxious introvert, you need to use a certain amount of tact. When said introvert has retreated back into their shell, reassure them to help them come back out of it. Putting them into a situation they find uncomfortable will only make things worse for them as they retreat more. And certainly, telling them "You're 25, start acting like it" is going to help. It's obviously not going to make them feel even worse because they know how they are fucked up in the head.
http://fallingintowonderland.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/introvert.jpeg
I can't even explain how angry people have made me today. I said it's over, yet you all continue to drag it out. I don't want to talk about it with you, or I would. It is that simple. Situation resolved. Finito. Done.
So lets review:
- Situation is over. If anyone wants to continue to talk about it, please do so away from me, I don't give a shit about it anymore.
- No more apologies, because I'm not sorry.
- If I'm not talking to you about it, there's a reason for it.
- Stop trying to help. You're making it worse, for me and you.
- If this blog offends you, fuck off.
We done? Good.
Kex
To the people that took offense to yesterdays blog: I drew the line under everything, then blogged it out to clear my mind. It wasn't an attack on anyone, it was meant for me. Yes, I'm a selfish cunt, handle it.
To the people that want apologies for anything I said in the blog or at all yesterday: I gave out all the apologies to the people that deserved them. You can hold your breath all you want, if you ain't got one already, it's because I'm not sorry. Simple as that.
To the people that say "You have to talk about it" "Don't bottle it all up" ect. I do talk about it. Just not to you. Because you don't understand, and you can't understand. You prove this by making comments, or forcing me into situations that just MAKE THINGS WORSE. And you would do this more if I ever tried to explain what I was thinking. That's also the reason I write on here, so things aren't bottled up.
When you're dealing with a depressive anxious introvert, you need to use a certain amount of tact. When said introvert has retreated back into their shell, reassure them to help them come back out of it. Putting them into a situation they find uncomfortable will only make things worse for them as they retreat more. And certainly, telling them "You're 25, start acting like it" is going to help. It's obviously not going to make them feel even worse because they know how they are fucked up in the head.
http://fallingintowonderland.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/introvert.jpeg
I can't even explain how angry people have made me today. I said it's over, yet you all continue to drag it out. I don't want to talk about it with you, or I would. It is that simple. Situation resolved. Finito. Done.
So lets review:
- Situation is over. If anyone wants to continue to talk about it, please do so away from me, I don't give a shit about it anymore.
- No more apologies, because I'm not sorry.
- If I'm not talking to you about it, there's a reason for it.
- Stop trying to help. You're making it worse, for me and you.
- If this blog offends you, fuck off.
We done? Good.
Kex
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Breaking Point
Content warning: You probably shouldn't read this. Today was particularly awful. Also, this: http://kexreset.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/disclaimer.html
I try. I really do. I give as much as I can to help people to the best of my ability. And it's not like I ask for anything in return either, but it would be nice to get the help back when I need it. Noone understands the full extent of shit I put up with. Most people understand some of it, but I haven't told anyone all of the pressures weighing me down.
So today came along. An argument broke out and turned bigger than it needed to. Because the person I was arguing with got upset, I was instantly villanised and everyone suddenly turned on me. All I wanted was a good grade, and doing what is needed for that makes me a horrible person, apparently. I walked out to calm myself down, and that just made things worse. The alternative was to get angry and shout at people, but I took the "immature" route out of it.
Apparently, this was just the start of the awful day.
Next up, 2 hours of choreography. Now, without even mentioning that the formations and everything that I'd designed weeks before, that just seem to have been forgotten about, I was asked 2 days ago to do partner work. I hadn't had time to come up with steps, as I'd been incredibly busy over the last week, but instead of support, I was met with belittlement from my group at every step. I was hit by a panic attack and my brain turned to mush, again, still no help.
I'm not great at coming up with steps, my skills lie in formation and timing, but everything I tried to say about them today were just blatantly ignored. I felt awful, not feeling this low in a very long time. I genuinely just wanted to go curl up in a hole and die. I had some awful thoughts, and they brought on another panic attack.
I try. I really do. I give as much as I can to help people to the best of my ability. And it's not like I ask for anything in return either, but it would be nice to get the help back when I need it. Noone understands the full extent of shit I put up with. Most people understand some of it, but I haven't told anyone all of the pressures weighing me down.
So today came along. An argument broke out and turned bigger than it needed to. Because the person I was arguing with got upset, I was instantly villanised and everyone suddenly turned on me. All I wanted was a good grade, and doing what is needed for that makes me a horrible person, apparently. I walked out to calm myself down, and that just made things worse. The alternative was to get angry and shout at people, but I took the "immature" route out of it.
Apparently, this was just the start of the awful day.
Next up, 2 hours of choreography. Now, without even mentioning that the formations and everything that I'd designed weeks before, that just seem to have been forgotten about, I was asked 2 days ago to do partner work. I hadn't had time to come up with steps, as I'd been incredibly busy over the last week, but instead of support, I was met with belittlement from my group at every step. I was hit by a panic attack and my brain turned to mush, again, still no help.
I'm not great at coming up with steps, my skills lie in formation and timing, but everything I tried to say about them today were just blatantly ignored. I felt awful, not feeling this low in a very long time. I genuinely just wanted to go curl up in a hole and die. I had some awful thoughts, and they brought on another panic attack.
I stood by the piano, took on more of an MD role, instantly made me feel more comfortable. Didn't last long as I was told to choreograph again. So I tried using one of the techniques Sue showed us, and got the dancers to come up with their own steps, and ended up with 22 bars of dance in 15 minutes, which I thought looked fun and in line with the song. I was just starting to feel better
"We can't have it in, it's crap"
The metaphorical straw that broke the camels back, my spirit had been truly worn down and broken, and it was obvious from the state of the room. I held myself together though, I didn't break down until I got home. I refuse to let people see me being vulnerable.
I'm not saying I'm completely blameless for everything that's happened today, but I apologised for everything I thought I'd done wrong very quickly, while others continued to victimise me. It's absolutely fun to realise that noone really likes you, nor do they give a shit how you're actually breaking down inside, even though you're pretending to hold it together.
Kex
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Face
I'm not okay, not even a little.
I can't talk to people, it hurts even to try. As if talking makes it more real. I don't even want to consider any possibilities, so I put it to the back of my mind.
But it's still there.
You can't break down. You can't put your life on hold. The world doesn't stop just because you're slowly falling inside. It doesn't help that you can't even say it out loud without bursting into tears. Talking about it in any real detail makes me want to run and hide.
I'm terrified. I can't remember the last time I was this scared about anything. But I need to be strong. If I can't be strong, then what is the point of making all that progress to arrive at this point.
Life doesn't stop just because you want it to. You can't stop just because you want to. Be strong, put your face on, and soldier forward. Not because you want to, because you have to.
Kex
I can't talk to people, it hurts even to try. As if talking makes it more real. I don't even want to consider any possibilities, so I put it to the back of my mind.
But it's still there.
You can't break down. You can't put your life on hold. The world doesn't stop just because you're slowly falling inside. It doesn't help that you can't even say it out loud without bursting into tears. Talking about it in any real detail makes me want to run and hide.
I'm terrified. I can't remember the last time I was this scared about anything. But I need to be strong. If I can't be strong, then what is the point of making all that progress to arrive at this point.
Life doesn't stop just because you want it to. You can't stop just because you want to. Be strong, put your face on, and soldier forward. Not because you want to, because you have to.
Kex
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