Change

With anything, it needs to be taken in moderation. I'm an intensive person, I'll give everything to things that I want to do, however, I know I have to slow down sometimes too. Now that money isn't an immediate concern, I can start looking to other aspects of my life.

In 5 days, I will be done with Uni until next September, and that's quite a way away. Until then, my focus is one bringing my physical fitness back to where it needs to be. I've never ben a skinny guy, but I want to be able to look at myself and be happy with what I see again. I've said from the get-go that as soon as my student funding went in, it would be the start of my healthy lifestyle, kind of ironic that it comes as my Uni life comes to a pause.

I intend to stick with that though, and have already been looking into healthy meal plans, gym times and other malarky. I'm going to miss the excercise I've been getting from dance, but if I keep up my streches, and start hitting the gym properly, I should continue to see results. I'm not sure exactly what I want out of this, and even if I don't lose much weight, as long as I feel fitter, it will be an acomplishment.

However, I'm still me. I still love to lie in, and play games and generally slack off. So I'll make the time for that too. I can't excercise all day everyday, that's unhealthy too. Getting a job would also help, giving me a distraction from being bored and more excercise. We'll see how this all pans out.

This summer should be interesting to say the least.

Kex

Take me as I am pt2

My most read blog is the "Take me as I am one", and in my opinion, that's probably the single best blog I've ever written. If you want to understand me, you need to read that. However, it IS 6 months old now, things have changed.

Frequent readers will see that slowly, I have been getting stronger with myself, these days more than ever, I feel more like the person that I want to be every day. I have big plans for summer, and every intention to stick to them. If it goes to plan then next year will be even better than this one.

I'm at a point now, where through myself and the people around me, I have reached a good enough mental state to take charge of my life and fix what was previously lying in ruin around me. Thank you to everyone who helped me make it this far.

I'm still sick of being treated like an underdog all the time. Other people seem to fall into opportunities that pass me by no matter how hard I work for them. Maybe I need to be more vocal. Step one: Speak up if you have a problem. I know that, if someone has a problem with me I would rather they told me so we could come to an amiable solution, as opposed to being at loggerheads over stupid things. I should start doing the same thing. Step two: Don't let an opportunity pass you by. Would you rather be told no to know for sure, or would you prefer to live your life wondering what could have happened. Why give up at the first hurdle, anything worth attaining is worth working toward.

I've become so much healthier these last 6 months, body and mind. My waist has shrank 8 inches from my biggest, and for the first time ever today, I looked at my body and thought "Wow, I am actually getting thinner". The moment I thought wouldn't ever come finally arrived. Step three: Do more to be healthy. Obviously, I'm doing something right, but I know that I could do a whole lot more. If my student loan comes in soon (Which I really hope it does), I'll start a proper healthy eating thing for summer alongside the gym. I wanna see what it'll do to my body. Equally there are other things in dire need of fixing, and I'll do everything I can to make it so.

And this one isn't just for me, its for everyone. People go through shit. It's always tough for everyone, and you have no idea what could be going on in someones private life. Step 4: Thank people for being there, tell them when they make you feel good, help others do the same. Nowadays, the only time we say something is when we have something bad to say. That's not how it should be. Don't get me wrong, problems need working out, but equally, if we help each other feel good, then there is so much more to be earned :)

I'm Kexys, I'm Joe, and I'm all of you. Take me as I am, because really, we're all just the same.

Kex

Euphoria

Ahead with work, nice big buffer in case I talk too fast in my presentation too. Life is good.

I don't even know what brought this surge of euphoria to me, but I feel really good about myself. Casually thinking about and making plans to do things that will make me happy, because why the fuck not! There isn't anything to be lost by taking an opportunity, only things to be potentially gained. This chain of thought is what's keeping me going right now.

The right word in the right ear at the right time can move mountains if it needs to, and my task is much smaller than that right now. I've thought, what if it fails? But then, so what? There's literally nothing to lose by trying, except maybe a bit of time, wow, like I don't already have enough of that.

Apparently I work best with Sherlock on in the background. I relate far too much to that man, if I could deduce like he could we would be the same person. Which probably isn't good, because I'm sure he's sociopathic.. Meh! Let's not dwell on that!

Nom nom Cake. Nom nom drinks. Estimated time left to complete uni work? 40 minutes! Fuck yeah. Might actually get to play a game before bed tonight, or just sleep, or do anything! Free time! I could make my fingers dance or sing or.. Learn Zombie Prom songs? That's probably the most likely! Yay, work! :P

I don't want to blame my Depression and Anxiety any more, unless it's an actual panic attack. I can pretty much work through it all now, I'm just shy. Which I kinda always have been. Do I feel like myself again. Yeah I do. What would Joe do in these situations! Exactly this. Fuck me, I'm home!

Kex

Underdog/4D

Bit of a 2 parter today folks

I dunno why, but I feel like an underdog in most things I do. No matter how hard I work or what I do, I am constantly underrated and it makes me feel under valued. I'm a person that would do anything for anyone, whatever that means for myself. I find myself now on the brink of physical and mental exhaustion as I try and juggle everything that needs to be done. 3 Weeks. That's all I need to hold out for.

No one knows what it's like to be me. The shit I have to face on a daily basis would make other people cringe. I'm sure others have their own problems too, but still, no one really knows what I go through to live a semi normal life. Just plaster on that face and smile Joe, it's for the best, really.

Am I feeling down? I dunno? Maybe. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, strange.

Anyhow, enough of that.

So, yesterday I spoke about the concept of the mind travelling backwards through different timelines to allow someone to view possible outcomes of life, and that has set me off thinking about a whole range of things. Firstly, what if the human brain already possesses this capability? It would explain "prophetic dreams" or the sensation of Deja Vu, as you would be literally reliving an event you had already seen. Looking at it another way, it means that humans, as a species, have much more control over their own destinies than we can ever account for!

But Kex, I hear you ask, if this is true, then why are certain tragedies allowed to occur  The simple answer is for the good of the human race. Without monumental catastrophes to guide us, who knows where we could have ended up. It could cast historical figures in different lights, if it is possible that they could have known what they were getting into before they did it.

According to string theory there are several more dimensions than those that we experience. As a human, I too fall prey to the notion that in order to believe something it must be seen. But thinking of it another way, if 2-dimensional beings were to exist, they would be unable to see us, as we technically would be unable to see them. Everything in out viewable universe is 3D, no matter how small or flat, simply because the atoms that comprise it are in 3D themselves. Surely, the same must apply true for 4th dimensional beings, we should be unable to perceive them, as the us, yet we should be able to occupy the same space. It's all very confusing. I can't even begin to fathom exactly what the 4th spacial dimension would even be.

This whole thing brought me onto another chain of thought. I'm sure I heard somewhere that scientists had managed to run a simulation that emulates a universe being made. If this isn't true, I imagine its only a matter of time before they do. Now, thinking about this, if they can create a universe, will this universe be capable of supporting life, and if it is, will that life be sentient? Could it figure out that it's whole existence is within the giant supercomputer which is essentially god? Surely that has to be a possibility if it is to be an accurate simulation? Now. What if that universe was our universe? We simulated ourselves into existence, and we keep repeating the cycle until everything goes right. What's right? Who knows? Hell, who decides? Now, is this theory and my first theory not essentially the same? Millions of timelines existing simultaeniously, with an overseer guiding it on its path.

My head hurts.

Kex

Zero/Nobody/Butterfly

Have you heard of the Multiverse theory? An infinite number of potential universes all exist simultaneously with each other, depending on any given number of choices people make. A lot of the media I've ingested recently take this one step further, what if you could explore these possibilities.

As stated in Mr Nobody, as long as you don't chose, everything remains possible  What if we could live out one timeline, see how it goes and what we could learn from it, then send our consciousness back to that earlier, make or break decision and go the other way. Imagine the learning possibilities, everything we could find out about ourselves and others, we could all find our way into our perfect lives.

However, removing the capability of failing adds a whole new dimension to life. If something goes wrong, you simply hop back to a prior point and prevent it. But then, if 2 people with opposing views possessed this power, would time simply grind to a halt as the 2 egos battled it out for which future prevailed? Or would the universe simply allow them both to go on in their separate universes.

Of all the superpowers out there, I can't think of any I would rather have than this, the possibilities are literally limitless, and all of its potential applications are incredible. I don't know where I would begin. If you haven't already seen them, I strongly advise watching both Mr. Nobody and The Butterfly Effect until you understand them, the whole concept is mind blowing.

Kex

Smiley

42 unique hits since yesterday, more and more people are reading. 21 of them were from the US. I'm not sure I even know that many people from the US >.>

Why not smile? I go through some real shit, as I supposed everyone does. One of my friends says that how bad something is is relative, and she is pretty much right. But what about when nothing goes wrong but you feel shit about it anyway? Digression, I'm not actually down today. Tired maybe, looking at my workload for the next month, I suppose sleeping has become optional. Should be fun to manage it all.. Digressing again.

I was told today that I'm a very smiley person, something that I haven't been told since college. Does this mean I'm better? I don't know any more, I've gotten so used to wearing this mask, I'm not sure what I enjoy or want now. But I did feel happy, those little things that take me back to the person I want to be again. I think I'm going to get there soon :)

I've decided to do something for myself.

Every day, I will write one thing that made me happy that day, just for myself, it could be one word, it could be 100 pages, but I want to preserve all of the good memories as a way of bringing myself back and pulling me up, should I need it. I'm not going to publish it on here, as I'm not sure it's something I want everyone to say, these are my own private thoughts after all. Number 1 on that list, of course, is: Being told I'm a smiley person :)

I'm gonna fix myself. I don't care what it takes. No more sad! :D

Kex

PS. For those of you who wonder why I call myself Kexys. Kexys was the name of my online Avatar, people knew me as Kexys, and as you know, with internet anonymity, you can be the person you want, say what you want. The kind of person I want to be can do all that in real life. Kexys is a big part of me, as big as any other. If you know me, I suppose it's possible to figure out something about me by deciphering my name :) I'll let you think about that.

Returns

Written 5th April, but I have no internet connection for a while cos I'm staying at my mums, so I'll post when I get home.

Tomorrow I turn 25. Where the fuck did that sneak up from. I remember being 18, a small party with my friends. I remember turning 21, having a party with my whole family, then heading off to Spiders with some people and getting hammered on Vodka and orange juice. I remember last year, when I got a call from my mum, and since then have been visiting most weeks. I also got so off my face that I spent an hour talking to a tennis raquet that I thought was a tiny alien sitting on my windowsill. Good times.

So much has changed since this time last year, yet I almost feel more trapped now. Everyone seems to be away for my birthday, and I don't know what to do with it. I should be going out and getting off my face with my friends, but the fact is I just don't seem to want to. Despite the bonds I have formed this year, I feel further away from people than I ever have before.

I took a reflective look at myself today, and I didn't like what I saw. I want to change. I want to be better than I am now, but I don't know how. I feel like I take everything given to me and fuck it up completely. Whatever I want always seems a little out of my grasp, no matter how far I rise up. I don't know how to interact with people. What use is it being smart if I can't figure out how to be friendly. It's so fucked up. I'm 25 tomorrow, and I still can't follow basic social cues. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Such a strange day today, so much has happened in so little a time. I don't understand people. There's always an undercurrent to people, a hidden motive that people don't want to show to everyone. As a neutral party, I hear most of it, though I imagine there is just as much said about me. I'd rather people say things to my face though, if you have a problem, maybe we can resolve it. There's no point in saying things about it behind my back. I'll be honest, I don't even know if or what people say, but I'm sure there is something. To quote, truth might hurt for a bit now, but lies hurt forever.

Regarding a previous update, I said I would be looking back and kicking myself, and sure enough, I should be. But I'm not, everything that happened, happened in probably a bad way, and I know I could have handled the situation better. You live and learn, and this is one of those experiences that I plan to learn from. Time to look elsewhere and find something thats real and not caught in a dream.

I'm 25 years old tomorrow, and in some ways, I don't feel like I'm mature enough to be that age. But then in others, I feel aged and old, like I have thought too much. I wish I could find a happy medium and just for once, I could make something in my life work. I would give anything to have something happy and simple in my life right now.

Anyway, it's almost time to go meet my sister from work. I should probably plaster that smile back on.

Kexys