It's nice to finally be inspired to write again without a surge of depression or anger fueling my words. I finally feel like my feet have returned to their rightful place beneath my legs, no longer free-falling onto a path of life that I wasn't sure I wanted.
Tonight I went and watched my first live musical. I know, terrible right. I'm on a musical theater course without ever seeing a live musical. I love to sing, and I love to dance, and this was the best way to combine them. But now. I've seen what I want to do, what I want to be. I've wanted to teach for as long as I can remember, and that dream is still in the works, but if I can get out there and take my shot, then why the hell not.
I want to be a star.
I know it's hard. I know its a rocky path. I know so many people go into this business with more experience and everything than me. But I know that if I give it everything I have, I can be as good or better than everyone else. I want to take my shot, to be the one inspiring others like I was tonight.
So for 3 years, I'm going to give it everything I have. I'm going to get the solos, I'm going to be the one who makes the dream.
Just you try and stop me.
Kex
Thursday 25 October 2012
Thursday 4 October 2012
Take me as I am.
I'm Kexys. But you probably know me by a different name. I know some of you reading this know me in real life, and others know me as an online avatar and voice. To some of you I may be even a distant memory. But I have deceived all of you. You see only a mask, a character I wear so that I can face the day.
I try to be a good person, and for the most part, I hope I am. But I lie, and I cheat to further my causes or my relationships with people. I don't do anything serious, but within reason, I'll do whatever it takes to further myself. I dislike many things and have too many phobias about silly things. Lifts, heights, tumbling, but I think mainly it stems from being terrified of not being in control of myself, and by extension, my life. My biggest fear, however is abandonment. I constantly feel alone, no matter how many people I surround myself with.
I've always been an outcast, a geek and whatever other names you choose to call me, in every circle I'm in, there's something about me that throws people off. Because I choose to play trading card games and MMOs, I get segregated when I'm cheerleading or even within normal social circles. When I'm playing those games, I'm ripped on because I like to sing and dance, no matter where I go, I can't win.
But that's not why I'm here. Everyone knows these things about me anyway.
Too long ago, I was different to how I am now. I was confident, I was witty and just generally good to be around. I had everything I wanted. I lived with good friends in a good arrangement, I had a job that I was earning enough to live off. Days were long and fun. Then the first tremor shook, and I split with the girl I loved. I became tired of cheer after having so long without time off, so I took a break, meaning to go back. Then the Labyrinthitis struck, and for the next three months I couldn't do anything, not even stand up for elongated periods. Because of this time, I lost my job and all my savings paying bill and rent. By the time I was better, I'd put on several stone and had lost almost everything else. I thought things looked up, when I almost got back in a relationship with her, but I came to find out she had cheated on me with my best friend, and that broke me.
It took 6 months for the symptoms to escalate, but through various states of sleeplessness and anxiety, I realized I had been hit hard by depression. My new housemate didn't help at all, being a general cunt and causing stress with him not paying his bills. My "medication" just made me feel like a zombie, so I took myself off it and just wallowed for the next year. It wasn't until the following November (I was diagnosed in december) That I actually went for counselling and though I only had one session, I met a friend there. The first new friend I'd had in a year and a half. I'd forgotten what it was like to be around people, but to feel liked again was wonderful, and my first step to recovery.
Since then, I've recovered slightly. Enough to pass off as functioning in society. But still, going out in a morning terrifies me. The normal social interaction that everyone else finds so easy, I find difficult to emulate so I come across as unsocial, which I don't mean to at all. I love people, and being around others makes me happy, I just.. forgot how to do it. So I'm sorry if I'm not like you, but I try, and if you let me, I'll be a good friend to have.
I may not be deep in depression any more, but I still feel it's tremors. My social anxiety still runs strong, even if I can wear a mask over it. But please, don't pity me. Don't treat me different to anyone else, I don't want anything special, I just want to be treat like everyone else, treat like a person, and not a mental illness. Sometimes, all it takes is a little kindness, and maybe a friendly hug, and everything becomes better.
This is me, laid bare before you, exposing my weaknesses. Take from it what you will, but I hope you understand me a little more.
I try to be a good person, and for the most part, I hope I am. But I lie, and I cheat to further my causes or my relationships with people. I don't do anything serious, but within reason, I'll do whatever it takes to further myself. I dislike many things and have too many phobias about silly things. Lifts, heights, tumbling, but I think mainly it stems from being terrified of not being in control of myself, and by extension, my life. My biggest fear, however is abandonment. I constantly feel alone, no matter how many people I surround myself with.
I've always been an outcast, a geek and whatever other names you choose to call me, in every circle I'm in, there's something about me that throws people off. Because I choose to play trading card games and MMOs, I get segregated when I'm cheerleading or even within normal social circles. When I'm playing those games, I'm ripped on because I like to sing and dance, no matter where I go, I can't win.
But that's not why I'm here. Everyone knows these things about me anyway.
Too long ago, I was different to how I am now. I was confident, I was witty and just generally good to be around. I had everything I wanted. I lived with good friends in a good arrangement, I had a job that I was earning enough to live off. Days were long and fun. Then the first tremor shook, and I split with the girl I loved. I became tired of cheer after having so long without time off, so I took a break, meaning to go back. Then the Labyrinthitis struck, and for the next three months I couldn't do anything, not even stand up for elongated periods. Because of this time, I lost my job and all my savings paying bill and rent. By the time I was better, I'd put on several stone and had lost almost everything else. I thought things looked up, when I almost got back in a relationship with her, but I came to find out she had cheated on me with my best friend, and that broke me.
It took 6 months for the symptoms to escalate, but through various states of sleeplessness and anxiety, I realized I had been hit hard by depression. My new housemate didn't help at all, being a general cunt and causing stress with him not paying his bills. My "medication" just made me feel like a zombie, so I took myself off it and just wallowed for the next year. It wasn't until the following November (I was diagnosed in december) That I actually went for counselling and though I only had one session, I met a friend there. The first new friend I'd had in a year and a half. I'd forgotten what it was like to be around people, but to feel liked again was wonderful, and my first step to recovery.
Since then, I've recovered slightly. Enough to pass off as functioning in society. But still, going out in a morning terrifies me. The normal social interaction that everyone else finds so easy, I find difficult to emulate so I come across as unsocial, which I don't mean to at all. I love people, and being around others makes me happy, I just.. forgot how to do it. So I'm sorry if I'm not like you, but I try, and if you let me, I'll be a good friend to have.
I may not be deep in depression any more, but I still feel it's tremors. My social anxiety still runs strong, even if I can wear a mask over it. But please, don't pity me. Don't treat me different to anyone else, I don't want anything special, I just want to be treat like everyone else, treat like a person, and not a mental illness. Sometimes, all it takes is a little kindness, and maybe a friendly hug, and everything becomes better.
This is me, laid bare before you, exposing my weaknesses. Take from it what you will, but I hope you understand me a little more.
Sunday 20 May 2012
Vivid
Another vivid dream happened to me last night. If it wasn't for the dog waking me up, I don't know how it would have ended.
I don't remember exactly how it started, but I was being hunted by demons, who wanted me dead. They had taken the form of people I knew and were constantly hunting me. I found out who they were and I eventually tried to compromise with them. They took me to "Hell" (Which looked surprisingly like a holiday resort) and tried to make me sign an agreement to become a demon. After reading the small print, and adding in some terms of my own, I met the demon king. He claimed that he was happy I compromised, based on my "Track record". I had apparently escaped from Hell before, when my body went through a near death experience (which is why I was being hunted down), and he also showed me my track record, claiming I was responsible for 8724 deaths. It was a chilling experience overall, and the calmness I had through the whole thing disturbs me, it was almost like I didn't care what was going on.
There was another carrot for becoming a demon, however. One of the demons took the form of a girl I know, and I was promised I could be with her if I accepted. I woke right as I had laid my final terms to the King, and was waiting for him to decide on whether a compromise would be met. I would have probably said yes, if they had. It's a scary thought for me, I'm not evil, but I know what I could accomplish if I had power, no matter the source. Do the ends justify the means?
I don't remember exactly how it started, but I was being hunted by demons, who wanted me dead. They had taken the form of people I knew and were constantly hunting me. I found out who they were and I eventually tried to compromise with them. They took me to "Hell" (Which looked surprisingly like a holiday resort) and tried to make me sign an agreement to become a demon. After reading the small print, and adding in some terms of my own, I met the demon king. He claimed that he was happy I compromised, based on my "Track record". I had apparently escaped from Hell before, when my body went through a near death experience (which is why I was being hunted down), and he also showed me my track record, claiming I was responsible for 8724 deaths. It was a chilling experience overall, and the calmness I had through the whole thing disturbs me, it was almost like I didn't care what was going on.
There was another carrot for becoming a demon, however. One of the demons took the form of a girl I know, and I was promised I could be with her if I accepted. I woke right as I had laid my final terms to the King, and was waiting for him to decide on whether a compromise would be met. I would have probably said yes, if they had. It's a scary thought for me, I'm not evil, but I know what I could accomplish if I had power, no matter the source. Do the ends justify the means?
Monday 14 May 2012
Myself
Tonight, I got punched in the face on the way home by some obviously drunk guy.
I already had a broken nose, him hitting it hurt like hell.
In retaliation, I didn't hit him back. He was upset and drunk, and that isn't a good combination. Instead, I listened to him. He said he'd just had to take his daughter off a life support machine and that she had died.
Then he hugged me. This guy, who had just punched me, was now giving me a hug. I felt pity for the poor man, so I hugged him back. And he apologised, several times actually, and it was obvious that he meant it too. He then wandered off, back into the night, and I gave him my best wishes, because that is the kind of person that I am.
In his state, a few well placed strikes would have had him on the floor. I know that. I also know that he was far too drunk and sluggish to really do anything back to me, even if he got back up.
But violence will not solve your problems. It only besets more strife. I do one day hope to live in a world, where people spread love and tolerance for their fellow human. I don't mean it in a hippie way, but in a way that peoples first reaction to others isn't hate and anger.
That is why I love cheerleading so much. A friend told me about football earlier, about how a team that had just lost, cheered because the team they had lost to didn't win overall anyway. I find that disgusting. In cheerleading, it doesn't matter which squad you're on, they all cheer for you. Even the people you compete against will cheer and clap. What other sport can you find that in?
At the end of the day, it all comes down to respect. If you can respect a fellow human for what they are, you don't have to like them, but mutual respect will turn animosity into rivalry, which is far more productive overall.
Its time to think about your actions people. Spread the love! <3
Kex
I already had a broken nose, him hitting it hurt like hell.
In retaliation, I didn't hit him back. He was upset and drunk, and that isn't a good combination. Instead, I listened to him. He said he'd just had to take his daughter off a life support machine and that she had died.
Then he hugged me. This guy, who had just punched me, was now giving me a hug. I felt pity for the poor man, so I hugged him back. And he apologised, several times actually, and it was obvious that he meant it too. He then wandered off, back into the night, and I gave him my best wishes, because that is the kind of person that I am.
In his state, a few well placed strikes would have had him on the floor. I know that. I also know that he was far too drunk and sluggish to really do anything back to me, even if he got back up.
But violence will not solve your problems. It only besets more strife. I do one day hope to live in a world, where people spread love and tolerance for their fellow human. I don't mean it in a hippie way, but in a way that peoples first reaction to others isn't hate and anger.
That is why I love cheerleading so much. A friend told me about football earlier, about how a team that had just lost, cheered because the team they had lost to didn't win overall anyway. I find that disgusting. In cheerleading, it doesn't matter which squad you're on, they all cheer for you. Even the people you compete against will cheer and clap. What other sport can you find that in?
At the end of the day, it all comes down to respect. If you can respect a fellow human for what they are, you don't have to like them, but mutual respect will turn animosity into rivalry, which is far more productive overall.
Its time to think about your actions people. Spread the love! <3
Kex
Tuesday 8 May 2012
Update
It really has been far too long since I looked up here. My bad, I guess. I have missed you all though, I have just been really caught up in my life recently, so, I guess y'all deserve an update!
Okay so, lets do this:
Numero Uno! Cheerleading! I went back for a visit and BLAM! Just like that I get to go back. I do love the sport so much. I was really starting to get back into it when WHAM! Stray elbow to the face! It was a total accident, and honestly, I feel worse for the girl that broke my nose than for myself, she was so upset :< But anyways, there is no way that's going to stop me! I'm more than ready to go back now, in every regard.
Numero.. um.. Two! Singing! My voice has really improved itself, I can hear myself better now, and my vocal range is getting stronger! I do so enjoy to sing. Today I found I could sing "Gives you Hell" (Glee cast version) pretty well, and had a lot of fun singing along side some death metal vocals!
Number the third! General social stuffs! So, I'm managing to stay in the bar a lot longer now! Done a couple of full nights and had a blast doing it. I'm going out more. My calendar is actually full! With 4 nights a week cheer suddenly stepping in there and leaving me with not a whole lot of free time. Besides my DS, I don't think I've actually played a game in about 10 days now, which is some kind of a record for me. Althoughhh.. Diablo 3 next week! I can't wait!
Number the next! Roleplaying! Okay, so I'm not doing as much nowadays, because of this and that and stuff, but what I am doing is going great! I enjoy my Mondays and Wednesdays, as River and Lux, Whether it be saving the residents of Sandport from the ultimate evil living below them (River), or causing a drunken disturbance on the Sandport streets (Lux), they are both developing nicely.
So yeah, that's the general stuff update, now onto the finer things.
Got back in contact with my Mum on my birthday, and I now visit on a weekly basis. Its great to see them all again, I get on great with my little sister, Lucy, cos she's such a great kid who shares my sense of humour, even if she is a bit of a chav ;). My little brother, Adam, got into the RAF, so congrats to him, I hope everything works out.
An old friend from college emailed me the other day too! Was kind of out of the blue, but since then, we've been talking a lot, she lives so far away now, but I'm sure we'll meet up again at some point. :) But until then, I hope for continued correspondence via mail!
So yeah, the general moral of the story, is that everything is going far better than expected. I'm loving life at the moment. A little anxious from time to time, but I'm managing it now. Also, I'm still waiting on a reply for my degree course, which is holding me in suspense a little. And I am a little worried about going to have my nose re-broken and put back into position. Yuk! But besides that, everything is great!
Anyhow, that's a whole lotta text, and I've got a whole lotta other things I could be doing! Love y'all!
Kex <3
Okay so, lets do this:
Numero Uno! Cheerleading! I went back for a visit and BLAM! Just like that I get to go back. I do love the sport so much. I was really starting to get back into it when WHAM! Stray elbow to the face! It was a total accident, and honestly, I feel worse for the girl that broke my nose than for myself, she was so upset :< But anyways, there is no way that's going to stop me! I'm more than ready to go back now, in every regard.
Numero.. um.. Two! Singing! My voice has really improved itself, I can hear myself better now, and my vocal range is getting stronger! I do so enjoy to sing. Today I found I could sing "Gives you Hell" (Glee cast version) pretty well, and had a lot of fun singing along side some death metal vocals!
Number the third! General social stuffs! So, I'm managing to stay in the bar a lot longer now! Done a couple of full nights and had a blast doing it. I'm going out more. My calendar is actually full! With 4 nights a week cheer suddenly stepping in there and leaving me with not a whole lot of free time. Besides my DS, I don't think I've actually played a game in about 10 days now, which is some kind of a record for me. Althoughhh.. Diablo 3 next week! I can't wait!
Number the next! Roleplaying! Okay, so I'm not doing as much nowadays, because of this and that and stuff, but what I am doing is going great! I enjoy my Mondays and Wednesdays, as River and Lux, Whether it be saving the residents of Sandport from the ultimate evil living below them (River), or causing a drunken disturbance on the Sandport streets (Lux), they are both developing nicely.
So yeah, that's the general stuff update, now onto the finer things.
Got back in contact with my Mum on my birthday, and I now visit on a weekly basis. Its great to see them all again, I get on great with my little sister, Lucy, cos she's such a great kid who shares my sense of humour, even if she is a bit of a chav ;). My little brother, Adam, got into the RAF, so congrats to him, I hope everything works out.
An old friend from college emailed me the other day too! Was kind of out of the blue, but since then, we've been talking a lot, she lives so far away now, but I'm sure we'll meet up again at some point. :) But until then, I hope for continued correspondence via mail!
So yeah, the general moral of the story, is that everything is going far better than expected. I'm loving life at the moment. A little anxious from time to time, but I'm managing it now. Also, I'm still waiting on a reply for my degree course, which is holding me in suspense a little. And I am a little worried about going to have my nose re-broken and put back into position. Yuk! But besides that, everything is great!
Anyhow, that's a whole lotta text, and I've got a whole lotta other things I could be doing! Love y'all!
Kex <3
Saturday 31 March 2012
Anger
Its been nearly a month since I updated here. That isn't entirely intentional, In fact I did do some updates, but I accidentally posted them on my private blogs. They weren't anything substantial anyways. I'm back babes. I hope you missed me.
Shits gone up and down. My life spent a few weeks as a soap opera, with something good happening at the start of the episode, then it quickly coming to a close in the few days following. The dashed hopes, although daunting at the time, were actually the last steps in my recovery. I am far hardier now than I was this time last month. I don't get upset often now, in fact, things that would have formerly upset me, now make me angry. Though I will pride myself on my composition and ability to stay calm forever, I wouldn't mind letting loose on some train-wreck that deserves it. You ever seen a dancer fight?
What I really can't stand is people that talk down to others. Ingrates who, for whatever reason feel superior. I'm an extremely intelligent person, in honesty, I can't say I know many people on my intellectual level, but that doesn't make me better than anyone else. Sure, I can figure stuff out faster, and do complex calculations on the fly, but what makes me better is my willingness to see and try every angle to achieve the best results. If you're going to blindly preach to me that you know better, you better have a damn solid argument, because I have logic on my side, every time. Unless its a dumb little argument that I made up cause I was bored, chances are I'm right, deal with it.
But anyway, you didn't come here to read a rant (Or maybe you did). But I really don't have anything to say. Things are going great nowadays. I've found my feet again, and I'm living my life better. I can actually go out and enjoy myself. I have friends outside of my typical social circle, and I'm only gaining more. I was a little upset about losing a friend, but it happens.
I'm still a knight. My pathological urges to help those in needs circumvent every other notice I have in place. I want to showcase myself more, and get myself out there and noticed. But there are still a few things that need fixing first. My personal alignment sits stronger in the Chaotic Good than ever before, and that's where I want it to be. I'm definitely healthier now, but I've still got a lot more fitness to gain, and a hell of a lot more toning to do. I just need the proper motivation to fix it all.
I often wonder what people must think of me if they read these blogs? How do I come across as a person? Probably not the way I am perceived by most of you. I try and give you some insight in to the deep world of my thoughts, but some doors must still remain closed to you. Its a secret to everyone, even most of me. Have you ever really thought about how people perceive you vs how you perceive yourself? I think about it a lot, and its one of the main reasons I sought to change myself into the way I wanted them to see me.
I feel like I've been writing for hours, when in actuality its been about 15 minutes. Time seems to lose its path around me sometimes, and I'm not sure whether that's good or bad. On a side note, I made a perfect drink today. I can't even remember what I put in it, but it tastes AMAZING, and its better for you than most of the fizzy crap people put in their systems nowadays.
Anyway folks, thanks for reading this wall of text. I love y'all for taking so much interest. No, really, thanks :-) <3
And of course, one last thing :P
Its spring now babes :-)
Much love, Kex.
Shits gone up and down. My life spent a few weeks as a soap opera, with something good happening at the start of the episode, then it quickly coming to a close in the few days following. The dashed hopes, although daunting at the time, were actually the last steps in my recovery. I am far hardier now than I was this time last month. I don't get upset often now, in fact, things that would have formerly upset me, now make me angry. Though I will pride myself on my composition and ability to stay calm forever, I wouldn't mind letting loose on some train-wreck that deserves it. You ever seen a dancer fight?
What I really can't stand is people that talk down to others. Ingrates who, for whatever reason feel superior. I'm an extremely intelligent person, in honesty, I can't say I know many people on my intellectual level, but that doesn't make me better than anyone else. Sure, I can figure stuff out faster, and do complex calculations on the fly, but what makes me better is my willingness to see and try every angle to achieve the best results. If you're going to blindly preach to me that you know better, you better have a damn solid argument, because I have logic on my side, every time. Unless its a dumb little argument that I made up cause I was bored, chances are I'm right, deal with it.
But anyway, you didn't come here to read a rant (Or maybe you did). But I really don't have anything to say. Things are going great nowadays. I've found my feet again, and I'm living my life better. I can actually go out and enjoy myself. I have friends outside of my typical social circle, and I'm only gaining more. I was a little upset about losing a friend, but it happens.
I'm still a knight. My pathological urges to help those in needs circumvent every other notice I have in place. I want to showcase myself more, and get myself out there and noticed. But there are still a few things that need fixing first. My personal alignment sits stronger in the Chaotic Good than ever before, and that's where I want it to be. I'm definitely healthier now, but I've still got a lot more fitness to gain, and a hell of a lot more toning to do. I just need the proper motivation to fix it all.
I often wonder what people must think of me if they read these blogs? How do I come across as a person? Probably not the way I am perceived by most of you. I try and give you some insight in to the deep world of my thoughts, but some doors must still remain closed to you. Its a secret to everyone, even most of me. Have you ever really thought about how people perceive you vs how you perceive yourself? I think about it a lot, and its one of the main reasons I sought to change myself into the way I wanted them to see me.
I feel like I've been writing for hours, when in actuality its been about 15 minutes. Time seems to lose its path around me sometimes, and I'm not sure whether that's good or bad. On a side note, I made a perfect drink today. I can't even remember what I put in it, but it tastes AMAZING, and its better for you than most of the fizzy crap people put in their systems nowadays.
Anyway folks, thanks for reading this wall of text. I love y'all for taking so much interest. No, really, thanks :-) <3
And of course, one last thing :P
Its spring now babes :-)
Much love, Kex.
Sunday 4 March 2012
Eventuality
I think this is a personal best for actually keeping up a blog, or anything similar, for myself. so props to me.
Its been a wild and bumpy ride last week readers, and one that I'm not all to comfortable of sharing the details of on here. I'm not necessarily proud of what's happened this week, but, given hindsight, I wouldn't have changed it at all. I feel like I'm finally ready to cast aside all of my old doubts and fears, everything that has been stopping me from living my life.
I swear, if this keyboard doesn't stop playing around I'm going to smash it into so many tiny pieces..
Anyway, I think tonight's is just going to be a short one, mainly due to this keyboard. But I guess my thoughts are that I don't know what the future is going to hold, but I'm gonna work real hard to make it what I want. And if you're not going to give me the time and effort I want, then you might not make it there. And I think I can finally say and mean that. I don't need time wasters in my life, I've wasted enough of my own time already.
Kexys
Its been a wild and bumpy ride last week readers, and one that I'm not all to comfortable of sharing the details of on here. I'm not necessarily proud of what's happened this week, but, given hindsight, I wouldn't have changed it at all. I feel like I'm finally ready to cast aside all of my old doubts and fears, everything that has been stopping me from living my life.
I swear, if this keyboard doesn't stop playing around I'm going to smash it into so many tiny pieces..
Anyway, I think tonight's is just going to be a short one, mainly due to this keyboard. But I guess my thoughts are that I don't know what the future is going to hold, but I'm gonna work real hard to make it what I want. And if you're not going to give me the time and effort I want, then you might not make it there. And I think I can finally say and mean that. I don't need time wasters in my life, I've wasted enough of my own time already.
Kexys
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Roleplaying
As promised, an update on the roleplaying goodness!
MONDAY: My campaign, set in a homebrew world, different from the normal pathfinder and DnD settings. How? You ask. Why, young scallywag, because this world has Technology instead of magic. Le gasp! Technology! In a fantasy setting! Are you mad Kex? Well, yes, actually, I think I am. Currently, the party is Flying around the Nanclonian borders, looking to find the shrine of Gaia, to reclaim the lost power of the earth. Meanwhile, the Dynassian Army is hot on their trail, after the same goal, but with a completely different purpose in mine for its power.
WEDNESDAY 1: Terrys game. A yet to start adventure, using the Mage: The Ascension rule set. This is one I have been looking forward to. I play an ancient and powerful sorceress, who used to be widely feared and reviled, until she was bested in magery and forced into the permanent body of a child. for over a millennia, she has waited, despirately searching for the one who cursed her, so that she might take her revenge!
WEDNESDAY 2: Richards game. The Jade Kingdom, Pathfinder adventure. In this game, I play the mighty Lux, powerful summoner and disciple of Cayden Caylien, the Accidental God. In true Cayden style, Lux tries to always be drunk when he goes adventuring, his summon reflecting this, by using a hefty beer stein as its favoured weapon.
THURSDAY 1: Antonys game. A dark heresy setting, which, although it has been running for a while, I have never quite made it to. However, it does look fun, and when I do eventually get there, I can call shenanigans, as my guardsman carries everything that can explode, burn, maim and otherwise cause fatal bodily harm to the Xenos. For the Emperor!
THURSDAY 2: Chips game. As far as I am aware, we are in a homebrew world of Chips making, using the Savage worlds ruleset. The system is phenominal. I play the loud-mouthed, heroic Venn, who never lets and evil act go unpunished, even when the odds aren't in his favour. With his Giant's Knife, Shotgun, and faithful hound, Keroberos, he seeks to rid the world of its evil tormentor, the games master, even if this means death for himself.
FRIDAY: Marc's game. A fun campain lead by a fun DM. Me and chip were given free reign in this game, and I do sometimes feel like we are punishing marc for it. hitting 36 AC is kind of obsene on a 4th level character, especially when you have a burning riposte and kill everything that swings at you. I play Hitori for this game, a retake on my first ever DnD char, only this one is rilkan, and far more.. Pose-y. He likes to be in the spotlight.
SATURDAY: Chips game. This game is set in Victorian England, and uses the dresden files RPG system rules. I play Kit, Knight of the Summer Court. Amusingly, another player rolled up the Knight of the Winter Court, so obviously, there is going to be some conflict there. Kit however, doesn't care. He is the perfect gentleman, a charmer to the ladies, and a fierce opponent in battle.
SUNDAY: Richards game. Set in the Dark Sun setting, this is a harsh world to be adventuring in, fortunately, for Batalax. He doesn't much need to worry much about the beating sun, or lack of water, being a warforged and all. Batalax is a simple construct, looking for his purpose in life outside of the arena, constantly looking to prove himself against the biggest and strongest opponents he can find.
And. there you have it, a list of all the games, and a short description of the role I play in them. It was actually alot of fun writing this, moreso than maybe it should have been.
Anyhow, Kex out.
MONDAY: My campaign, set in a homebrew world, different from the normal pathfinder and DnD settings. How? You ask. Why, young scallywag, because this world has Technology instead of magic. Le gasp! Technology! In a fantasy setting! Are you mad Kex? Well, yes, actually, I think I am. Currently, the party is Flying around the Nanclonian borders, looking to find the shrine of Gaia, to reclaim the lost power of the earth. Meanwhile, the Dynassian Army is hot on their trail, after the same goal, but with a completely different purpose in mine for its power.
WEDNESDAY 1: Terrys game. A yet to start adventure, using the Mage: The Ascension rule set. This is one I have been looking forward to. I play an ancient and powerful sorceress, who used to be widely feared and reviled, until she was bested in magery and forced into the permanent body of a child. for over a millennia, she has waited, despirately searching for the one who cursed her, so that she might take her revenge!
WEDNESDAY 2: Richards game. The Jade Kingdom, Pathfinder adventure. In this game, I play the mighty Lux, powerful summoner and disciple of Cayden Caylien, the Accidental God. In true Cayden style, Lux tries to always be drunk when he goes adventuring, his summon reflecting this, by using a hefty beer stein as its favoured weapon.
THURSDAY 1: Antonys game. A dark heresy setting, which, although it has been running for a while, I have never quite made it to. However, it does look fun, and when I do eventually get there, I can call shenanigans, as my guardsman carries everything that can explode, burn, maim and otherwise cause fatal bodily harm to the Xenos. For the Emperor!
THURSDAY 2: Chips game. As far as I am aware, we are in a homebrew world of Chips making, using the Savage worlds ruleset. The system is phenominal. I play the loud-mouthed, heroic Venn, who never lets and evil act go unpunished, even when the odds aren't in his favour. With his Giant's Knife, Shotgun, and faithful hound, Keroberos, he seeks to rid the world of its evil tormentor, the games master, even if this means death for himself.
FRIDAY: Marc's game. A fun campain lead by a fun DM. Me and chip were given free reign in this game, and I do sometimes feel like we are punishing marc for it. hitting 36 AC is kind of obsene on a 4th level character, especially when you have a burning riposte and kill everything that swings at you. I play Hitori for this game, a retake on my first ever DnD char, only this one is rilkan, and far more.. Pose-y. He likes to be in the spotlight.
SATURDAY: Chips game. This game is set in Victorian England, and uses the dresden files RPG system rules. I play Kit, Knight of the Summer Court. Amusingly, another player rolled up the Knight of the Winter Court, so obviously, there is going to be some conflict there. Kit however, doesn't care. He is the perfect gentleman, a charmer to the ladies, and a fierce opponent in battle.
SUNDAY: Richards game. Set in the Dark Sun setting, this is a harsh world to be adventuring in, fortunately, for Batalax. He doesn't much need to worry much about the beating sun, or lack of water, being a warforged and all. Batalax is a simple construct, looking for his purpose in life outside of the arena, constantly looking to prove himself against the biggest and strongest opponents he can find.
And. there you have it, a list of all the games, and a short description of the role I play in them. It was actually alot of fun writing this, moreso than maybe it should have been.
Anyhow, Kex out.
Deception
I considered writing this on my private blog, but then, what is the point. I'm not going to hide any more. I will however be censoring everything I write, as it is only fair to myself and others.
Its a mixed bag today, and with reflection, I can see I fell prey to basic human selfishness. I try to do my best to step away from the standard selfish person's shadow, and into my own code of conduct. However, today, the words that were said in my head had to be censored. I found out that a friend had some bad news, now, this news could work in my favour, and instead of feeling sorry for them, I felt happy for myself. This made me feel terrible inside. I do however understand that this is basic human programming.
I think I'll leave the big details out of here, if anyone is truly interested, then just ask me. But like I said, today was a mixed bag. I was more content than I had been in a while. Singing and dancing with Jade was awesome, even with the mockery of the catalogues :P. And I was able to give her a real hug and not feel bad about it :). Something felt off, however, and while I understand that that probably isn't me, paranoia sets in.
My sleeping is still kinda bad, I'm sleeping through alarms and stuff. I miss having the friendly ghost around to wake me up in the mornings. I had hoped the ghost would follow me to my new house, but she seems to be tied to the old place, I just hope she's been able to put up with the old asshole for so long, it would be a shame to never see her again.
I'ma try and pop into the Warren again before club tomorrow, I know I'm a fool, but at least I am a consistent fool! I've not been to club since Saturday :o. I miss it lol. I think I'll do a quick update after this one regarding the games I'm currently in, and the characters I play in each :D
UCAS is done! I can't believe it, literally everything has been sorted out. I didn't expect it to be so easy. I guess the hard part starts now.
Anyhow folks, I guess that's all for this post. I'll keep y'all informed!
Kex
Its a mixed bag today, and with reflection, I can see I fell prey to basic human selfishness. I try to do my best to step away from the standard selfish person's shadow, and into my own code of conduct. However, today, the words that were said in my head had to be censored. I found out that a friend had some bad news, now, this news could work in my favour, and instead of feeling sorry for them, I felt happy for myself. This made me feel terrible inside. I do however understand that this is basic human programming.
I think I'll leave the big details out of here, if anyone is truly interested, then just ask me. But like I said, today was a mixed bag. I was more content than I had been in a while. Singing and dancing with Jade was awesome, even with the mockery of the catalogues :P. And I was able to give her a real hug and not feel bad about it :). Something felt off, however, and while I understand that that probably isn't me, paranoia sets in.
My sleeping is still kinda bad, I'm sleeping through alarms and stuff. I miss having the friendly ghost around to wake me up in the mornings. I had hoped the ghost would follow me to my new house, but she seems to be tied to the old place, I just hope she's been able to put up with the old asshole for so long, it would be a shame to never see her again.
I'ma try and pop into the Warren again before club tomorrow, I know I'm a fool, but at least I am a consistent fool! I've not been to club since Saturday :o. I miss it lol. I think I'll do a quick update after this one regarding the games I'm currently in, and the characters I play in each :D
UCAS is done! I can't believe it, literally everything has been sorted out. I didn't expect it to be so easy. I guess the hard part starts now.
Anyhow folks, I guess that's all for this post. I'll keep y'all informed!
Kex
Friday 24 February 2012
Insomnia
Its been a whole week now, I just can't sleep properly. Tiredness sets in early, yet sleep just will not take me. When I do manage to sleep, I am plagued by epic dreams. Each one different, yet completely memorable, so deep and vivid, I don't remember ever having such strong dreams, or at least remembering them for so long in succession. Maybe it is a sign of change.
I finally realised today where I have been going wrong for the last 2 years, and where I've gone right the last 2 months. I was trying to "re-find" myself, looking to the me of the past, when I should have been forging my own future. I have let loose recently, become the person I wasn't, and I can't help but feel good about myself, learning things in moderation is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I can only assume its going to be a beneficial lesson to learn.
Starting immediately, I'm going to add more structure to my life. Hopefully, not completely regimented, but with enough stability for me to establish various routines and good habits again, like daily walks and remembering to do my stretches and jump practise.
I have all but applied for University now. Student finance, and most of the form is filled in, I literally just need a few lost details, and a quick personal statement polish, and it'll be ready to send. It is a little daunting, but I've never been more ready for it. The thought of finally pressing on with my life is one that energises me to new levels.
The next few weeks are gonna be tight, financially, as I make every effort to get all my bills paid off. I've made contingency plans, however. Setting a food budget of £6 for a fortnight was tough, but I can make it last. By the time my birthday comes around, everything should be up to date and paid off, meaning cheaper fortnightly payments and proper meals again.
Anyhow, its 4am, and I can feel a bout of tiredness coming on, maybe I'll sleep this time. G'night.
Kex
Oh yeah, one last thing for you manly men. I challenge you to watch this and not smile :P
I finally realised today where I have been going wrong for the last 2 years, and where I've gone right the last 2 months. I was trying to "re-find" myself, looking to the me of the past, when I should have been forging my own future. I have let loose recently, become the person I wasn't, and I can't help but feel good about myself, learning things in moderation is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I can only assume its going to be a beneficial lesson to learn.
Starting immediately, I'm going to add more structure to my life. Hopefully, not completely regimented, but with enough stability for me to establish various routines and good habits again, like daily walks and remembering to do my stretches and jump practise.
I have all but applied for University now. Student finance, and most of the form is filled in, I literally just need a few lost details, and a quick personal statement polish, and it'll be ready to send. It is a little daunting, but I've never been more ready for it. The thought of finally pressing on with my life is one that energises me to new levels.
The next few weeks are gonna be tight, financially, as I make every effort to get all my bills paid off. I've made contingency plans, however. Setting a food budget of £6 for a fortnight was tough, but I can make it last. By the time my birthday comes around, everything should be up to date and paid off, meaning cheaper fortnightly payments and proper meals again.
Anyhow, its 4am, and I can feel a bout of tiredness coming on, maybe I'll sleep this time. G'night.
Kex
Oh yeah, one last thing for you manly men. I challenge you to watch this and not smile :P
Monday 20 February 2012
Becoming
Every day, I'm becoming more like the person I'm not. I welcome this change with open arms. I stayed in a crowded area for almost 3 hours. More crowded than I have been in for nearly 2 years now. The other me seems so far away now, and the reparations will take more than a little work, but I'm well on my way there.
I can imagine that in as little as a month or 2, I will finally be ahead, financially. And that will reduce my stress levels even further. Living off a food budget of ~£15 has not been fun for sure. I've done some things recently that seemed out of character for me, yet I'm glad I did them, even if I was turned down. I can also hope that this time next month I'll be back at Cheerleading properly. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time now. Though, my current health state is dire, I plan on fixing that with a regular routine and exercising. The boredom I faced today was a new feeling, one that I can only assume will help with my exercise. I mean, if I'm bored, I have an excuse to go and do something.
Quitting WoW raiding may be the best thing I have ever done. I think, in no little way, I was addicted to it. And although people joke about gaming addiction, its only after breaking the habit that you realise the true detrimental effect it had on your life. I mean sure, the only reason I got so into it was a series of unfortunate events, but the way I played was vicious and caused me to become a shell of the former me. The me that I now plan to reclaim.
I've read my former posts here, and they are all drivel. Hearty lovey-dovey crap. I was an emotional train wreck. I probably still am to some extent, but I'm not going to let that control me. I have the will here, not my anxiety. Aside from that whole shithole with the Jobcenter last week, everything has been going up and up so far. It took a special push to be able to quit WoW, and even though you are unaware you are responsible, you have changed my life for the better.
I am Kexys. not some whiny shell of a human being. Its time to ake a hold of my own life and fix it in a way that only I can. There are a few things I need to do first though.
1) Get a Job. As soon as possible. As many hours as possible, preferably in a field I enjoy, but any Job I could do would be welcome.
2) Get my ass back to Cheer. I love my squad, and in my heart I never ever stopped being a cheerleader. The only thing that going back can do is make me feel better about myself.
3) Conquer this Anxiety. Whether this means frequent trips ito the bar, until I can stomach the full place all night, or even just taking the lift upstairs to club. I'm going to focus my efforts on fixing what was broken.
4) Find myself a girlfriend. I'm sick of being the single one, or the friend zoned one. Its time I had a woman in my life. I deserve one dammit.
5) Try to be generally nicer to everyone. Spread love and tolerance people. Though, I'm not particularly not nice to anyone. Maybe I'll try and get others to be nicer to everyone.
Last night I had a fantastic dream. Me and a friend were travelling on a train or ship of some kind, and people were dying one by one. In the end, we enlisted the help of the Fae and saved the world. I remember a battle scene where one of our party, and 2 small faeries had slain the big bad, but it resurrected as some nasty tentacled monster on top of the train and killed them. Fortunately, I managed to slay the beast, and I thought that was the end. However, I then attended the funeral for all we had lost, and I realised that the Fae had not been killed, so I released then,and felt a great sense of joy. Every emotion, every touch felt completely real. I woke up disappointed that this hadn't happened.
This change has been long approaching. I have been feeling both my strength and mental fortitude returning to a state in which I can manifest my desire to further myself. Watch out world, Kexys is back on form.
I can imagine that in as little as a month or 2, I will finally be ahead, financially. And that will reduce my stress levels even further. Living off a food budget of ~£15 has not been fun for sure. I've done some things recently that seemed out of character for me, yet I'm glad I did them, even if I was turned down. I can also hope that this time next month I'll be back at Cheerleading properly. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time now. Though, my current health state is dire, I plan on fixing that with a regular routine and exercising. The boredom I faced today was a new feeling, one that I can only assume will help with my exercise. I mean, if I'm bored, I have an excuse to go and do something.
Quitting WoW raiding may be the best thing I have ever done. I think, in no little way, I was addicted to it. And although people joke about gaming addiction, its only after breaking the habit that you realise the true detrimental effect it had on your life. I mean sure, the only reason I got so into it was a series of unfortunate events, but the way I played was vicious and caused me to become a shell of the former me. The me that I now plan to reclaim.
I've read my former posts here, and they are all drivel. Hearty lovey-dovey crap. I was an emotional train wreck. I probably still am to some extent, but I'm not going to let that control me. I have the will here, not my anxiety. Aside from that whole shithole with the Jobcenter last week, everything has been going up and up so far. It took a special push to be able to quit WoW, and even though you are unaware you are responsible, you have changed my life for the better.
I am Kexys. not some whiny shell of a human being. Its time to ake a hold of my own life and fix it in a way that only I can. There are a few things I need to do first though.
1) Get a Job. As soon as possible. As many hours as possible, preferably in a field I enjoy, but any Job I could do would be welcome.
2) Get my ass back to Cheer. I love my squad, and in my heart I never ever stopped being a cheerleader. The only thing that going back can do is make me feel better about myself.
3) Conquer this Anxiety. Whether this means frequent trips ito the bar, until I can stomach the full place all night, or even just taking the lift upstairs to club. I'm going to focus my efforts on fixing what was broken.
4) Find myself a girlfriend. I'm sick of being the single one, or the friend zoned one. Its time I had a woman in my life. I deserve one dammit.
5) Try to be generally nicer to everyone. Spread love and tolerance people. Though, I'm not particularly not nice to anyone. Maybe I'll try and get others to be nicer to everyone.
Last night I had a fantastic dream. Me and a friend were travelling on a train or ship of some kind, and people were dying one by one. In the end, we enlisted the help of the Fae and saved the world. I remember a battle scene where one of our party, and 2 small faeries had slain the big bad, but it resurrected as some nasty tentacled monster on top of the train and killed them. Fortunately, I managed to slay the beast, and I thought that was the end. However, I then attended the funeral for all we had lost, and I realised that the Fae had not been killed, so I released then,and felt a great sense of joy. Every emotion, every touch felt completely real. I woke up disappointed that this hadn't happened.
This change has been long approaching. I have been feeling both my strength and mental fortitude returning to a state in which I can manifest my desire to further myself. Watch out world, Kexys is back on form.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)