That fucking anvil

My bedroom ceiling is a sight im very used to, I spend hours every day laying in bed staring at it. It doesnt matter how much I want to get up and go. It doesnt matter if I have things to do, or places to be. It doesnt matter how much I try and force myself. That fucking anvil sits on my chest and stops me from escaping.

Obviously, its not a literal anvil, but it feels like it is. Like, I can feel physical pressure on my chest every time I think to myself "okay Joe, time to move." And whilst I can roll, maybe stare at the wall to break the monotony of the ceiling, i cant bring myself to stand.

I cant remember when It started. I cant remember when it got this bad. I cant remember when I realised I have to wake up hours earlier than I need to, just 5o psyche myself up to get out of bed. That fucking anvil. I can feel it now. I have things I want to do today, but pinned as I am, I dont know when. If im too late, that anvil will be heavier, as it fills me with doubt.

Its especially bad now that I have no purpose. No reason to wake up. Its been a very tough month, and I have not seen outside these four walls nearly as often as I should. I barely exist, let alone live. Sometimes, I wonder if I even exist at all or if this is just a dream of someone slowly fading.

Kexys.

Karma

So I made a similar post to this a while back, talking about how karma holds us all up. About how being a decent person works. I had a crisis today: whats the point in being a good person?

I work a lot to make people happy, in general, i would give anything to make people I care for happy, or comfortable, or to just help out. Seeing people sad makes me sad. Knowing I have helped make someone happy fills me with pride. Not happiness, thats a rarity these days.

I try to act and conduct myself in a way I see as honourable. I keep my promises and I actively do my best to be encouraging and help anyone in need, regardless of familiarity.

So why does doing the right thing feel so shit? Why does being a good person actively make my life harder. Surely, thinking of karmic justice, being good should be rewarded? So then why is it that, no matter what I do I end up sinking lower and lower. It feels like sinking slowly into quicksand slowly, the deeper I sink, the harder it becomes to fight back, and though fighting back may offer a temporary reprieve, it inevitably leads to sinking faster.

Im not in a good place right now, it's been a rough month to keep afloat. Sleeping is sporadic at best, getting up in the morning is hard. But im slogging on. Im managing to do things through it, which is an improvement. Moods lower than tbose which have previously kept me homebound are now conquerable, if barely.

But is it wrong to want to be happy? Is it wrong to want to feel good for being a good person? Is it wrong to not want to feel this low anymore?

Argh :-/
Kexys

Monitor

Existing is hard you know?

Sometimes it's harder than others, but even on the good days, it can be like swimming through syrup sometimes. Watching my mood fly up and down, like a heart monitor sets me on edge.

Take today, for example. It's a normal day, part of the holidays, a chance to relax and unwind, had a great night last night, decent amount of sleep, no nightmares etc,  but I'm still gripped with a sense of impending doom. Don't know why, don't know how, wish I could stop it. I'm trying to be productive, but all of myself wants to curl up in bed and be done with the day. CBT helped. It's let me structure my day, and despite the great urge, I have not crawled into bed and hidden in the fetal position from the rest of the world sadnessing myself to sleep.

I think it's something about this time of year. Last year was particularly bad, for reasons, and my "worst day" happened about year ago now. Looking back, I am leaps and bounds on from that, and nothing has happened this year to warrant this feeling, in fact, the opposite, it has been a fantastic year. I've fallen in love with being a teacher, and the feeling it brings seeing students succeed is my new happy place. But I think the lingering effects of the last 8 years (Seriously, fuck January-April 2009-2016) has caused something in me that brings me down at this time of year for no reason.

What is worse, is that I have come to realise that one of the things I thought was a favourite past time, is something that I only do when I am sad, as an escape, a time sink or anything else, just as a way to numb whatever the feeling is that's bringing me down. This is saddening, as it is something that I really enjoyed, and honestly was kind of good at, but I feel now like doing it would only perpetuate the sadness and allow it to propagate and grow further.

Thankfully, my life has reached a point where I have a lot of other distractions. Living with friends helps massively. If I am feeling shit and wanting to escape there is still someone I can hide in the house with and not feel like a complete, lonely, friendless piece of trash. My family, one in particular is amazing at making me feel better about myself, and honestly, I am starting to feel good again about myself. Like I'm ready to make a change for the better.

Most of all though, I am incredibly grateful for all the friends I have made in the last few months. Thanks to my CBT, I have been outside more, with doing shows, FNM at the games store and just being out teaching, I feel like I have had the privilege to become friends with some of the best people I have ever met, and, even though they are relatively new in my life, have all been incredibly supportive in pushing me forward.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel like utter shit today, lower than the scum that you wouldn't even bother to wipe off of your show if you stepped in it. But I don't know why. I have so much in my life right now that I am thankful for. But let's be honest, if I understood it and was completely in control, it wouldn't be a mental illness, it would be a self-inflicted frame of mind. It's just about swimming through the syrup until the water clears up.

I wasn't sure where I was going with this, but I'm glad it ended up where it did. I feel a bit better now.

Kexys

Low

So I've tried desperately not to write a blog for a while. I've wanted to be strong and fight through it, and for the most part, I've managed that. This isn't a pleasant, heart warming, inspiring blog like some of the content on here, and honestly, reading it is probably not good for you, not the state I'm in.

This year has been absolutely crushing.
The pressure
The workload
Expectations
Responsibilities
People

I can't breathe.

I feel like, right now, everyone dislikes me. Like, I don't have a single person in this world who wants to spend time around me, any more than they have to.

I hate that I feel that I bring everyone around me down. I only want to help people, I only want to do my best to make people happy, so why do I fuck it up.

I can't go more than a few days without my brain snapping and savaging my positive thoughts, it's like, no matter how hard I try I can't pull myself out of this pit of worthlessness.

It's constant. It's every night. I have to go out every day and put on a front of strength. Like I duct tape myself back together before I step out of the door and it just about manages to hold until I reach home again and I fall apart. Sometimes the pieces slip loose during the day, but mostly I hold it together, keep the mask on, enforce the illusion. But being at home is a constant ebb and flow of picking up the peices and watching them break all over again.

It's so lonely. Everytime a friend gets close I push them back, keep your distance, where it's safe. I'm dangerous, I'm broken and the jagged pieces will hurt anyone who gets too close. I wish I could explain how it feels, but it's something that cannot be expressed in words.

My therapist is working in a sense. I am being more productive and putting myself out there more. But my mood isn't improving, if anything, it feels worse. All the time holding it together is taking its toll, I feel like I'm about to shatter, and this time, I don't know if I'll have the strength to pick up the pieces again.

I'm sorry. Thank you, if you've read this far, I appreciate everything you all do for me. I have some fantastic people in my life, and if it wasn't for them, I'm sure I wouldn't still be here. You're the reason I exist.

Thank you,
Kexys

Down time

You know what sucks? Being sick as an adult. Gone are the days of "Aww, get well soon" and "Let me help you out, you poor thing", replaced only by and general sense of disappointment because "you're an adult and you should be doing adult things, not laid up in bed feeling sorry for yourself"

I hate not being able to do things I know I'm supposed to. It fucks with my mental state. I'd so much rather be doing anything than be cooped up in my room. But due to (mainly) physical and mental illness, it is instead, a write off.

And now I feel worthless. Utter worthless. Lower than the dogshit that you wipe off your shoe. Sitting here now, it feels like there is a deep hole set into my chest, I can feel it burrowing and taking a hold of me, pulling me back down.

This probably sounds cliche, but there is the genuine thought in my head that everyone is only in fact tolerating me, and actually hates me. I'd sooner hide away than face anyone, because I don't want to shit all over their good day.

Looking at my history, I know I have ups and downs, and a down time was always going to be be lurking just around the corner. I don't have to like it, but it's there, and needs to be fought through. My moods are lower than normal right now, and being with people too much genuinely makes my skin crawl. Wearing the mask of being positive for too long is utterly exhausting.

Fighting through the shit, because I know I'll surface soon. It's just making it to that point. I know I'm going to be fragile for a while, and more abrasive than usual.. I'm sorry. I'm just, extremely low right now, and I know that makes me a pain to deal with. I don't expect people to put up with it, but I very much value everyone that does.

Kexys

hAZe

How the fuck do you keep doing this?

You mess me about.

You mess me up.

You hurt me so bad I feel like I'll never recover.

Like, seriously bad..

But I do.

Then one glance.

ONE FUCKING SMILE.

And I break all over again.

Get out of my head.

I hate that, even after everything, I STILL have these feelings.

I was okay.

I was getting better.

It's terrifying.

... I was actually thinking of you, then there you were.

I just..

Stop..

STOP.

I hate that I have no bad words for you.

I hate that I can't hate you..

Rules for a better life

Turnaround in full swing! Time to get my life on track, and for that, there's a few "rules" to follow to be happy. As of right now, let's start doing this.

1) If something makes you unhappy, stop it.
This kind of goes without saying, but I'll be damned if so many people carry on making themselves unhappy for some misguided, self assured reason that it will get better. It won't. Whether it's a person, or an activity, or anything, if it's bringing you down, stop doing it.

2) Treat people the way they treat you.
Not this Bullshit of how you should treat people the way you want to be treated, you'll be walked all over. Be good to the people who are good to you, and the people that aren't, aren't worth your effort. Don't go out of your way to be nasty, hate begets more hate, but don't go out of your way to be good to them either.

2.1) Don't have time for people who don't have time for you.
I'm an especially big culprit for this one. People will not have time for me, and I'll be practically at their beck and call when they want me. It's not healthy or fair. And if you're one of those people stringing someone along as a friend who you use for anything, you need to stop, because that's just as toxic.

3) Live healthy.
This encompasses many points. For me it's diet, sleep, and exercise. Having a "good diet" doesn't mean "go on a diet", it just means eating the right amount of good food and not a load of crap. Sleep is straight forward, but a good sleeping pattern is imperative to health. And exercise doesn't have to be anything major, although joining a gym to do cardio would be great, just walking and getting out more in general should show an improvement.

4) Some people really do want to help, don't push them away.
One of the hardest things to realise, when you're dealing with a mental illness, is that in between the hordes of people who couldn't care or are deliberately antagonistic toward you, there are the shining 

few decent people who only want to help. Let them. Don't throw them away.

5) Be responsible, but take time for yourself too.
As an adult, you have responsibilities to fulfill, some of which can be mountains for people in my position, but you have to break through or you'll tumble further. Equally, it's important to find your time to recharge and do the things you enjoy. All work and no play is the beginning of the descent into madness.

And there we have it, 5 and a bit rules to be happy. I'm sure I'll think of more, but 5 is enough for now. Keep smiling folks.

Kexys

Making Waves

For those of you who perhaps don't know me well, but still choose to read my blog:

Thank you.

This is how I cope. This is how I get rid of all the negativity inside. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking to make people worry. I write this to get it all out of my head and give myself permission to stop thinking about everything.

Since my meltdown a few days ago, I've had so many people come to me and offer an ear, tell me that its okay, and everything in between. I appreciate this so much, even if I don't always show it in my broken down state.

Besides my messed up sleeping pattern, I'm feeling a lot better in myself again. There is no need to worry, no cause for concern.

The truth is, I expected this low for a while and was prepared for it.

A few months ago, I was happier than I had been in a long time, and that makes waves, as generally, the happier I am in my up, the worse I get in my down.

I have weathered that storm, and I'm passed the worst of it. There's no need to worry, honestly, I'm okay.

Now if I could only get my sleeping pattern sorted..

Kexys

You don't know

In tears before I start this one. This is probably going to be a really depressing read, you may not think of me the same afterwards, but I can't hold it in anymore.

I'm fine. I'm always fine.

I have the strongest family in the world. I was born into the strongest, most hard working family of people with such spirit that they will fight forever. With people that are so talented, or clever, or good at something that everyone has some reason to shine. But I am absolutely ordinary. I'm not good at anything, I'm useless. But I'm just like them. I'm a fighter. I don't drag people down with me.

So you don't know.

You don't know how hard these last months have been for me.

You don't know that my heart was utterly ripped out, and that I had to face that reality every day for a month.

You don't know that one of my best friends died 2 weeks ago. You don't know that something random will remind me of him at least once a day and I'll start crying all over again. You don't know that, even though we never met, he was one of my rocks.

You don't know that, some days, /I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. Not because I'm lazy, but because my body feels so heavy that it physically won't move. You don't know that I hide in my room because the thought of talking to anyone makes me physically shake.

You don't know know that, most mornings, I wake up in tears, or terrified because my nightmares are so vivid and real.

You don't know that in the 8 days combined I've probably had about 18 hours sleep.

You don't know that, all but once in the last month, my friends have cancelled trips to see them. Only once or twice per person, but all of them.

You don't know that I've given up on the doctors, because antidepressants make me feel worse, and the people they send me to talk to don't care enough to keep contact.

You don't know that I'm too scared to talk to people that I haven't in a while because I think they'll hate me, no matter how much I want and need to see them.

You don't know that I subconsciously sabotage myself whenever I talk to someone new because I feel like I don't deserve friends or anything more. That if I push them away then it won't hurt as much when they leave.

You don't know that about a month and a half ago I swallowed 2 packs of pills and a load of alcohol before I realised I was an idiot and promptly threw it back up.

You don't know how much your approval means to me. You don't know how much I just want to make everyone proud. How all I want to do is to make people happy. I just want to see the people I care about smile.

You don't know how much of myself I give away to fix people, because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone feel as shit about themselves as I do about.

You don't know that I don't see a future. That everything ahead is just black.

You don't know that the only reason I'm still alive is because I couldn't bear to inflict all that pain on any of you. But you don't realise how much pain I bear. I can't take it alone any more. I just need somebody.

Please, save me.

Kexys

Final day.

"Do not cry because it is over, but smile because it happened"

It's been a long time coming, but today is my final day. The end of who I was, my identity is over. It's not as if it wasn't seen to be coming, there has been a mist in the air for a long time now, as I barely managed to stay afloat whilst treading water. But now my body is tired and I'm getting nowhere, so it needs to end.

No more will I be walked over. No more will I be used. No more will I have to tolerate the lies, and the selfishness and the shit. No more will I hate myself.

I'm sick of seeing the selfishness in people. Using others for their own ends. Hurting people to make themselves feel better. There are some truly amazing people out there in this world, but they are so few and far between. The ones I have had the privilege to meet however, whether they liked me or not, are my real heroes.

I'm tired of feeling like this. Of having an inescapable void in my chest dredging down everything I care about. Of having arguments in my head because I always manage to say the wrong thing. I don't have ill intent for anyone, I just want to see people happy, and I do often fail at even that.

I'm tired of holding on for people that don't deserve it. I'm tired of always finishing in second. I hate that no matter how hard I work, no matter how good I am, life is simply a popularity contest that my social anxiety fucks up at every turn it can.

I do everything I can to be a good person, though that makes me an asshole, because I tell you how it is. I'd sooner have you hate me and be okay, than to love me and be sad. But it's incredibly lonely.

Today will be my final day, for tomorrow, I do not know who I will awake as, but I refuse to spend on more day as this person. I will have to give up parts of me I never thought I would. But without that, I would truly be dead.

Catch up

So, I've not blogged in such a long time because, although this blog is meant to be for my own personal reflection, I do share it, people read it, and right now, I've opened up to a lot of people that they could understand a lot of the meanings behind the things I say, or who a certain part of the blog is directed at. As such, I've held it all inside, badly. This resulted in me going off at someone who i'd really rather not have. I'll try to explain later.

Basically, since last blogging, it has been a very stressful time. I've not coped well, but have somehow coped.

As much as I want to be friends with everyone, I know that cannot be the case, and it hurts every time that, say we've talked for ages the day before, because of the company you hold the next day, you don't even look at me. Problem is, I honestly just want to get along, so as much as I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking to you, I can't, because I actually like you. And no, this isn't about the most obvious person you're thinking of.

However, I've made friends with people that I really thought I wouldn't. Which is strange, as while we never saw eye to eye, we now agree on most things, it's nice. I guess perception can be warped by how well you actually know a person and others opinion of them.

The shows we did, while stressful in their nature, as shows are, hit very close to home on occasion. Both were about being upset and pushing those closest from you away, something that I could resonate very deeply with, and there were days when I had to pull myself out of that fantasy, as I was getting too lost in my own circumstance.

However, despite that hard process, the shows went amazingly, at least, I feel they did for myself. I got great feedback from people, including my singing tutor, whom I've always had the utmost respect for, telling me that my performance was perfect. That note actually made my year. The emotion memory brought to life by the focus of the shows really helped in those accords.

This year has been a veritable emotional train ride/wreck. It started on an all time low, and I dropped off the radar again, barely managing to stay afloat. And though, I did manage to bring myself back, it was never for me. I spent the entire year chasing the happiness of others, willing to devote myself to any cause other than myself, just to forget who I was for a while. And when there was noone to make happy, I simply became sad again.

I spent so long, believing I wasn't good enough for anything. Forever thinking that I deserved to be trodden on and treated like dirt, because noone else would even acknowledge me. I need to change that. I need to be happy for me, with myself. And that is my focus for this next year. Whatever happens, by this time next year, I will be happy with what I have become.

But still, as Tyrion Lannister so eloquently puts it: "I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things." I see someone who is on the outside, someone who is hurting, or just lost, and I want to help them. I lend pieces of my heart to anyone who needs them to mend their own, but such am left with nothing there myself, as it never gets returned. I know it will mend and regrow over time, but I need to stop giving it away to people with no intent on returning.

But then one, who, no matter how hard I seem to push, won't really leave, but I can see has already left. I told her everything, I poured my broken heart out and she took the brunt of it all and didn't run. And then with just a few words, unintentionally twisted the knife that was already stuck in there.

I wanted to hide, I wanted never to come out, and if it were not for a sense of obligation, I probably would have. After Uni finished, I became a lot worse at actually leaving the house again. However, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.

A new place has opened up in town. A place that feels right, there was no anxiety trigger when I first entered, and there has not been one yet. The people are amazing, and it feels like I actually have friends I can pop in and hang around with again. As far as recovery assets go, this is a shining beacon. I actually feel like part of a group I can include myself with now. Somewhere I can be that's not Uni or my bedroom. Bliss.

One of the reasons I didn't want to start writing today was that I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. I've barely covered any of the issues bothering me right now, and I'm already this far down. unfortunately, I still can't say half of the things I want to due to people reading. I don't care about what I'm saying making it difficult for me, it's when my writing starts putting out other people that I'm bothered, especially ones I care about.

But I don't know what to do. I want to just wait, let things be as they are and see what happens. But have you tried the wait and see approach with anxiety? You over analyse everything they say, everything the do, and especially, everything they don't say.

I want to be happy. I want to make people, especially someone, happy. I don't really care much about anything else. Is that a way to live your life? Probably not, but if I get what I want, then everything will be fine.

Life.. Well fuck.

Kexys

Worthless

I hate days like today. No matter what I seem to do, when I get in a funk, I just can't shake it off, and the entire day becomes shitty. I feel full on worthless.

I couldn't sleep last night, ended up drifting off at 6am. Woke up midday after a bad dream sent me into a full on panic attack. Stupid. In the dream I was arguing with a friend over such petty shit, but it triggered a full day of worthlessness. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking, and since, my heart has felt physically heavy all day, like I can feel it weighing down my chest.

Now, nothing I have done today is out of the ordinary. I've text people, played games, sung.. and that's about it. Fairly normal day for me. But I've had that nagging doubt that everyone I was talking to was just getting sick and bored of me, to the point where I stopped talking to anyone around 7pm ish.. I've been distracted in games, and every time I've messed something up it's brought me down further, it's either perfection or nothing.

I hope this goes away tomorrow, but I'm afraid to go to sleep, in case that dream comes back and sets me back again. I don't want to deal with another day of worthlessness.

What I wouldn't give to feel wanted. To think that, somewhere out there, someone actually gave a shit. If i were to disappear right now, noone would notice, and even if they did, it would only be because I wasn't doing something I was supposed to. Noone would care.

It's just pure worthlessness. It's just me.

Kexys

Depression/Anxiety

I was looking for a good reason to write my 50th blog (Yup, it is the 50th post that's ever been published on here, kinda came as a shock to me too), and then I realised that today was Mental Health Day. I don't know what's going to follow, but I'm going to try and give you some insight into what it's like to have problems with depression and anxiety.

My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.

That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?

Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.

Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.

It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.

I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.

But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.

We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.

I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.

Thanks for reading.

Kexys

Karmic/fear/fate

- Found a post I left unfinished, not what I meant to post today, but I'll add it on for good measure -

I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.

Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?

I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?

Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.

What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.

It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.

Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.

Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.

However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.

It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.

Thanks for reading,

Kexys

Re:flection

Okay so, let's take a look back at where I am and how I got here.

Three weeks ago I was a wreck. Barely sustained by a life of escaping reality with no real purpose. Three weeks ago I had written off a year of my life to recover and become well. Three weeks ago I thought the world was scary. Three weeks ago I thought I was alone. Three weeks ago I thought everything hated me. Three weeks ago I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come out, because what was the point?

Two weeks ago I had a moment of lucidity and set myself on a course of life. Two weeks ago I was terrified. Two weeks ago I was a wreck. Two weeks ago I thought that I was doomed to fail and that everything I touched was going to become shit. Two weeks ago I decided to become strong. Two weeks ago I looked at healthy eating. Two weeks ago I consigned myself to get through whatever life threw at me. Two weeks ago I was seething with anger.

One week ago I learnt not everything is as scary as you perceive. One week ago I learnt you villainise people from your past as it helps you deal with losing them. One week ago I was beginning to feel accepted again. One week ago I had started my meat and salad diet. One week ago I noticed I was pulling my belt to more notches. One week ago I felt more healthy. One week ago I slept the night through. One week ago I found a part of myself I thought I'd lost.

Today I keep feeling better. Today I not only worked with someone I never thought I would, it was productive, we got a lot done, it was even kind of fun. Today made friends easily. Today I spoke out in a crowded room easily. Today I attempted to better myself off my own back. Today I realised I don't have to be "not broken", I just have to appreciate myself for what I am. Today I realised my anxiety isn't a curse, it's just a part of me. Today I'm sitting here not talking to someone I want to because I'm a fool.

Tomorrow I'm going to keep getting better. Tomorrow I'm not going to hold back. Tomorrow, I'm going to be me again. Tomorrow, I am nobodies fool.

Kexys

Nothing..

Nothing ever changes. Well fuck.

Kexys

Miracle

I've come to realise that miracles, though they can occur, don't happen nearly often as they should. If there is something you want, you can sit back, waiting on a miracle, or you can go out and do everything in your power to attain it.

I don't expect things to happen overnight, or any kind of short time frame. But progress is progress, and when you can see little things happening day by day, it's a real work up. Currently, I have 3 goals for this next year, and I will make them work, in only the last week, my situation on all of them has improved visibly. But when the easiest of these goals is beating out the competition to get a lead in a musical, the rest must be something special.

But it's all work, work that you can't be afraid to dive headlong into. Nothing is to be attained by sitting on my hands and waiting. I need to bring what I want to me. It's just time and work. And in a perfect world a miracle would happen, and that day would finally be here. But it will be, just you wait and see.

I'm not holding back any more.

V

Psycho

That rush of euphoria when you nail a song you've been practising for a while, but never quite managed. My latest hurdle was "Meant to be Yours" from Heathers, which is just an all out beltfest, and absolutely exhausting, and after 4 days, I've finally got it to a happy starting point. Still plenty of a way to go with it though. Considering doing this for my technique song this year, as it has a lot to work on.

There is every possibility we'll be doing Heathers for our show this year, and if we do, and the irony of auditioning for the part of "psycho boyfriend" is not lost on me, but I love the part, and the show, and won't settle for less. Don't misunderstand, Ram and Kurt are both really good roles with a lot to do, but something about JD resonates with me, that, and I don't much fancy spending the entire second act in my underwear.

It's gonna be a tough road, but I'm already on it. Whether we do Heathers or not, fitness and vocal excercises are going to stay a daily routine. As soon as it's confirmed, I'll get the script and the character down. This is one of the 3 things I'm going to accomplish this year, and nothing is going to stop me!

Stay strong folks,

Kexys

Re:start

Last night was the first time I've slept through 8 hours in about 6 months. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel well and rested in the mornings.

Feel like a weight is off my shoulders. The day was nothing as I'd imagined, but better. Anxiety took over, but was unwarranted. I didn't know what to say, or how to act, so, for the most part, I didn't, but that was okay, as when I did, it was listened to. And though it was obviously awkward for all parties, I respect them all for their professionalism, even after the lesson ended and it wasn't required. These gestures spoke volumes and kick started the healing process that had been stagnated for so long. The process may be slow for now, but I have high hopes.

In addition to my counselling, this has raised my mood volumes, and I feel physically better for it. Mental health is such a fragile thing that can affect you massively in ways you don't realise.

In addition, I've started what I'm dubbing the cucumber diet. I genuinely think I'm addicted to cucumbers. They taste amazing and are apparently really good for you. Could live off the things. The people in Sainsbury's are starting to look at me funny for the strange amount of cucumbers I've suddenly started buying, but hey, if it works, it works!

Here's to a good, healthy year, fixing what's broken on every front. I know it can and will work. I will get everything I want this year.

Kexys.

Mind Reader

*Disclaimer* - This is not about anyone in particular, all points are general and just musings of an anxious mind.

I have an uncanny ability to read people.

That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.

But what about that one time it isn't?

Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.

This causes problems.

My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.

And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.

Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.

But you can't turn it off.

There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.

The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.

But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.

That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.

So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.

Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.

Much love folks,

Kexys