Words

People have different outlets, for some people they just brush everything off, others paint pictures or play games to release their stress. None of this ever seemed to work for me, so I have come to the conclusion that my most productive outlet is simply writing. Words, flowing out of my mind and onto the page creating a tangible link to my thoughts

Powerful things, words, the right combination in the right ear, at the right time can do anything, the possibilities are endless. I have raised people from depression to happiness, whilst also lowering people to cry. I've drawn people in, and forced people out, both stopped and started fights, all with the words that came out of me. The many words said on here have both helped people to understand me, and caused conflict where there should have been none.

Your whole life, you go through events, good and bad. And these events, they shape you to be the person you are today. Every interaction with people builds bonds which tug at you and shape you. Who knows what the world would be like without you in it, chances are, if you hadn't gone through that shit, someone else would have instead, and you have saved them from that fate by accepting it onto yourself.

Today I finally felt like everything made sense. Like every event that had happened for my whole life has lead me to here, and I'm using them all to be ready to face whatever is next. I'm finally understanding what all the songs were about and how to move my life forward and stop dwelling in the past.. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all.. Nothing's like before.

I feel ready to step forward and face the future and all it holds, I won't let myself be help back by all the shit in my past, and instead, draw from the experiences to fuel what I need in my future. I'm ready to walk forwards once again.

I'm still crazy. I still have the occasional panic attacks and retreat. But I've accepted myself for who and what I am. And so, with that in mind, I have made the decision to halt my words, and close my blog. I honestly feel like I don't need it any more. My days of unleashing my words are over. I'll leave the posts up, but I'm hoping that this will be my final post here.

Thank you to all the readers of my 30 posts. Thank you for trying to understand me. Thank you for taking the time and interest in my life. For those of you that have followed me for a while, don't be sad that this is over, but be happy that I finally feel sure enough in myself to hold my words where they should be. I'll see you all around.

Kexys

Boiling Point

Incase you didn't read the disclaimer, the thoughts I post here are from my mind and are meant for me. It's not about telling on people, that's why I don't use any names. It's not about making people feel sorry for me, it's about me getting all the shit that is bothering me out of my mind and onto somewhere else. If you don't like what you're reading then fuck off, this isn't for you. It's for me, and the people that want to try and understand me. I don't have to explain myself to anyone for the words I write on here.

To the people that took offense to yesterdays blog: I drew the line under everything, then blogged it out to clear my mind. It wasn't an attack on anyone, it was meant for me. Yes, I'm a selfish cunt, handle it.

To the people that want apologies for anything I said in the blog or at all yesterday: I gave out all the apologies to the people that deserved them. You can hold your breath all you want, if you ain't got one already, it's because I'm not sorry. Simple as that.

To the people that say "You have to talk about it" "Don't bottle it all up" ect. I do talk about it. Just not to you. Because you don't understand, and you can't understand. You prove this by making comments, or forcing me into situations that just MAKE THINGS WORSE. And you would do this more if I ever tried to explain what I was thinking. That's also the reason I write on here, so things aren't bottled up.

When you're dealing with a depressive anxious introvert, you need to use a certain amount of tact. When said introvert has retreated back into their shell, reassure them to help them come back out of it. Putting them into a situation they find uncomfortable will only make things worse for them as they retreat more. And certainly, telling them "You're 25, start acting like it" is going to help. It's obviously not going to make them feel even worse because they know how they are fucked up in the head.

http://fallingintowonderland.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/introvert.jpeg

I can't even explain how angry people have made me today. I said it's over, yet you all continue to drag it out. I don't want to talk about it with you, or I would. It is that simple. Situation resolved. Finito. Done.

So lets review:

- Situation is over. If anyone wants to continue to talk about it, please do so away from me, I don't give a shit about it anymore.
- No more apologies, because I'm not sorry.
- If I'm not talking to you about it, there's a reason for it.
- Stop trying to help. You're making it worse, for me and you.
- If this blog offends you, fuck off.

We done? Good.

Kex

Breaking Point

Content warning: You probably shouldn't read this. Today was particularly awful. Also, this: http://kexreset.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/disclaimer.html

I try. I really do. I give as much as I can to help people to the best of my ability. And it's not like I ask for anything in return either, but it would be nice to get the help back when I need it. Noone understands the full extent of shit I put up with. Most people understand some of it, but I haven't told anyone all of the pressures weighing me down.

So today came along. An argument broke out and turned bigger than it needed to. Because the person I was arguing with got upset, I was instantly villanised and everyone suddenly turned on me. All I wanted was a good grade, and doing what is needed for that makes me a horrible person, apparently. I walked out to calm myself down, and that just made things worse. The alternative was to get angry and shout at people, but I took the "immature" route out of it.

Apparently, this was just the start of the awful day.

Next up, 2 hours of choreography. Now, without even mentioning that the formations and everything that I'd designed weeks before, that just seem to have been forgotten about, I was asked 2 days ago to do partner work. I hadn't had time to come up with steps, as I'd been incredibly busy over the last week, but instead of support, I was met with belittlement from my group at every step. I was hit by a panic attack and my brain turned to mush, again, still no help.

I'm not great at coming up with steps, my skills lie in formation and timing, but everything I tried to say about them today were just blatantly ignored. I felt awful, not feeling this low in a very long time. I genuinely just wanted to go curl up in a hole and die. I had some awful thoughts, and they brought on another panic attack.

I stood by the piano, took on more of an MD role, instantly made me feel more comfortable. Didn't last long as I was told to choreograph again. So I tried using one of the techniques Sue showed us, and got the dancers to come up with their own steps, and ended up with 22 bars of dance in 15 minutes, which I thought looked fun and in line with the song. I was just starting to feel better

"We can't have it in, it's crap"

The metaphorical straw that broke the camels back, my spirit had been truly worn down and broken, and it was obvious from the state of the room. I held myself together though, I didn't break down until I got home. I refuse to let people see me being vulnerable.

I'm not saying I'm completely blameless for everything that's happened today, but I apologised for everything I thought I'd done wrong very quickly, while others continued to victimise me. It's absolutely fun to realise that noone really likes you, nor do they give a shit how you're actually breaking down inside, even though you're pretending to hold it together.

Kex

Face

I'm not okay, not even a little.

I can't talk to people, it hurts even to try. As if talking makes it more real. I don't even want to consider any possibilities, so I put it to the back of my mind.

But it's still there.

You can't break down. You can't put your life on hold. The world doesn't stop just because you're slowly falling inside. It doesn't help that you can't even say it out loud without bursting into tears. Talking about it in any real detail makes me want to run and hide.

I'm terrified. I can't remember the last time I was this scared about anything. But I need to be strong. If I can't be strong, then what is the point of making all that progress to arrive at this point.

Life doesn't stop just because you want it to. You can't stop just because you want to. Be strong, put your face on, and soldier forward. Not because you want to, because you have to.

Kex

A note

Just stop. Stop right now, don't let this go any further than it should.

Or you know where you'll end up..

Kexys

Abrasive

I genuinely thought I was done with this place. I felt like I'd worked everything through and no longer needed a place to vent. But as always is, I find myself increasingly growing more anxious and tense. It's probably something to do with my introverted nature.

If you don't understand introversion, it can be hard to explain. Its not that I don't like being in the company of others, it is more so that I find it draining, especially in larger groups. During the summer, I spent a great deal amount of time "On my own". Sure, I had my friends on Skype, but that's different, I could step away any time, so my internal energies were almost always full, and I had very little negative emotions. Now I'm back at Uni, and although I love it, and the people I meet, new and old, are all incredible, it drains me having to spend all day around them. This isn't anything about them, it's all on my head. I envy extroverts, people who seem to have it easy.

However, a large symptom of the negativity is massive thinking time. Thinking never aids situations, especially when you're me. I've been thinking a lot about my nature, and that, all in all, I'm a very abrasive person. The whole sarcasm thing is there to push people away. If you were to, or have read this blog, you could see why my world opinion is jaded, and keeping people at arms length is a necessary precaution for me.

Earlier this year, I broke my protective bubble. I took a chance on someone and opened my self completely to them. I explored myself, and told them things about me I have still never told anyone, and though at first she seemed to accept me, it all blew up again, as so often my life does. I have not since been able to open in any kind of way to anyone. My faith in others was totally trashed.

I figure, if I push you away myself, if I come off as abrasive as possible, then when you walk away from me, I'll know there was a reason for it, and it won't hurt so much. If I hide behind my sarcastic shell, then I don't have to worry about mine or anyone elses feelings, as everything is just passed off as "Oh look, he's being sarcastic again".

But it's a terribly lonely existence, being a shut off introvert. Being around people drains me, but being on my own makes me sad and lonely. But then, even when surrounded by people, I feel like I have to keep them all at arms length, and out of my bubble. If I don't then they could get in, and if they get in, they could leave. I don't know how many more leavers I can take.

I didn't know whether or not to write this. I've been toying with the idea for a few days now. This is one of my most personal blogs yet, bringing myself to tears whilst writing it. But I hope it will help you understand me, just a little bit more. I do love everyone in my life, no matter how much of a hard time I have showing it.

Kexys

Best I can be!

I'm not keeping up in my blogging duties! I seem to be letting time pass me by far too much in these holidays. Nothing is being accomplished, and time is just zipping past.. Time to fix that.

Okay so, I'm going to start my "Best I can be" Campaign for myself, for the next 3 months. I go back to Uni on the 17th September, that's 13 weeks, 5 days (96 Days) away. And yes, I am quite literally counting them down.

So, what will I be doing for the next 96 days? Working hard to get myself to be the best I can be by the time I go back to Uni, so that I can audition for the part of Joe Casey and do my absolute best, whether I get it or not! So, these are the steps I will be taking:

Step 1: No more alcohol. No exceptions. I don't NEED to get drunk to have a night out. Not drinking will save my voice, my liver and my wallet, 3 very important things. In fact, I think I'm going to try and cut out fizzy drinks entirely. I bought a sports bottle so that I wouldn't drink fizzy as often. Need to remember that!

Step 2: (Finally) Get a Tonic card. I'm going to go do that today, actually. And on top of that, I'm going to make it to the gym AT LEAST 4 times a week. Planning to work mainly on cardio and fitness. I wanna be able to comfortably dance and sing for a period of at least 3 minutes without being breathless.

Step 3: Balanced Diet. Okay, this is probably going to be tough, but to make sure I stick to it, I'm going to keep a food diary. 1 Proper meal a day, some healthy snacks and a smaller breakfast/lunch should set me on track

Step 4: (Cringe) Sleeping pattern needs sorting. Try and be asleep by 1am most nights, up by 8 to ensure getting enough sleep and not wasting hours of the day,

Step 5: Herbal/Voodoo remedies. Yup, Salt water gargling, honey and lemon drinks. You name it, if it's good for you, I'll try it.

Step 6: Stop shuffling, and keep my emotions in check. This one is probably going to be the hardest one to fix, as it means sorting out all of my subconscious urges. But I'll be damned if I haven't got this one fixed by the end of the year.

I'll probably think of more by the time these 3 months are up, and I'll be sure to update here to let y'all know how it's going. But yeah, best I can be starting NOW!

Kexys

Disclaimer

The amount of people that have come up to me and told me they read my blog is an ever growing, and diverse number of people. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me when someone tells me they read it, after all, I post it on my news feed, however, it always does.

Let's be honest, I kind of want people to read it. It started out as a way of trying to get people to understand me better, but then warped into a place where I would throw down the mental mess that is my head. That's all well and good normally.

But now... Now I'm afraid that people will read what I write and get offended. I don't know who's reading, and it's often someone who could potentially read it that sets me off on a series of ideas. Now like tonight, I wanted to get something off my chest, but if the wrong people read it, it could be misconstrued and taken in a bad way. I can't help that. So I'm presenting this disclaimer:

The things you read here are my thoughts, and most likely, they have nothing to do with you. If you choose to take them personally, then that is your problem. You have been warned. I don't want any real life drama based on what you read here. If you don't like what you read, simply stop reading.

And if you think what I've written is about you, then it probably is. The disclaimer still applies.

Grow the fuck up people.

Kexys.

Endings

The worst thing about life, is that no matter what paths you tread, however far you walk, there will always be endings. Times when you have to say goodbye to all the people you've walked this far with and move on. I hate endings so much.

This year has been amazing, all of it. All because of the people the people I've had in my life. Now I'm facing 5 months without them. Some of the new friends I have made, I may never see again, or at best, very sparingly after tomorrow. Considering that I suffer social anxiety, I value the bonds I share with people above most other things in my life, and seeing those bonds sundered.. It breaks my heart.

I wish life could just, stay as it is, and that people wouldn't have to go away. I know thats a really childish veiw, as people need to move forward to grow, and if we never moved on, then we wouldn't meet new people, form new bonds and continue the circle. I'm glad I can share my journey with all these wonderful people, the memories we shared I'll hold close to my heart forever. I actually love you all.

So please don't disappear completely, say hi from time to time. Ending don't have to be goodbyes, just new beginnings.

Kex

Change

With anything, it needs to be taken in moderation. I'm an intensive person, I'll give everything to things that I want to do, however, I know I have to slow down sometimes too. Now that money isn't an immediate concern, I can start looking to other aspects of my life.

In 5 days, I will be done with Uni until next September, and that's quite a way away. Until then, my focus is one bringing my physical fitness back to where it needs to be. I've never ben a skinny guy, but I want to be able to look at myself and be happy with what I see again. I've said from the get-go that as soon as my student funding went in, it would be the start of my healthy lifestyle, kind of ironic that it comes as my Uni life comes to a pause.

I intend to stick with that though, and have already been looking into healthy meal plans, gym times and other malarky. I'm going to miss the excercise I've been getting from dance, but if I keep up my streches, and start hitting the gym properly, I should continue to see results. I'm not sure exactly what I want out of this, and even if I don't lose much weight, as long as I feel fitter, it will be an acomplishment.

However, I'm still me. I still love to lie in, and play games and generally slack off. So I'll make the time for that too. I can't excercise all day everyday, that's unhealthy too. Getting a job would also help, giving me a distraction from being bored and more excercise. We'll see how this all pans out.

This summer should be interesting to say the least.

Kex

Take me as I am pt2

My most read blog is the "Take me as I am one", and in my opinion, that's probably the single best blog I've ever written. If you want to understand me, you need to read that. However, it IS 6 months old now, things have changed.

Frequent readers will see that slowly, I have been getting stronger with myself, these days more than ever, I feel more like the person that I want to be every day. I have big plans for summer, and every intention to stick to them. If it goes to plan then next year will be even better than this one.

I'm at a point now, where through myself and the people around me, I have reached a good enough mental state to take charge of my life and fix what was previously lying in ruin around me. Thank you to everyone who helped me make it this far.

I'm still sick of being treated like an underdog all the time. Other people seem to fall into opportunities that pass me by no matter how hard I work for them. Maybe I need to be more vocal. Step one: Speak up if you have a problem. I know that, if someone has a problem with me I would rather they told me so we could come to an amiable solution, as opposed to being at loggerheads over stupid things. I should start doing the same thing. Step two: Don't let an opportunity pass you by. Would you rather be told no to know for sure, or would you prefer to live your life wondering what could have happened. Why give up at the first hurdle, anything worth attaining is worth working toward.

I've become so much healthier these last 6 months, body and mind. My waist has shrank 8 inches from my biggest, and for the first time ever today, I looked at my body and thought "Wow, I am actually getting thinner". The moment I thought wouldn't ever come finally arrived. Step three: Do more to be healthy. Obviously, I'm doing something right, but I know that I could do a whole lot more. If my student loan comes in soon (Which I really hope it does), I'll start a proper healthy eating thing for summer alongside the gym. I wanna see what it'll do to my body. Equally there are other things in dire need of fixing, and I'll do everything I can to make it so.

And this one isn't just for me, its for everyone. People go through shit. It's always tough for everyone, and you have no idea what could be going on in someones private life. Step 4: Thank people for being there, tell them when they make you feel good, help others do the same. Nowadays, the only time we say something is when we have something bad to say. That's not how it should be. Don't get me wrong, problems need working out, but equally, if we help each other feel good, then there is so much more to be earned :)

I'm Kexys, I'm Joe, and I'm all of you. Take me as I am, because really, we're all just the same.

Kex

Euphoria

Ahead with work, nice big buffer in case I talk too fast in my presentation too. Life is good.

I don't even know what brought this surge of euphoria to me, but I feel really good about myself. Casually thinking about and making plans to do things that will make me happy, because why the fuck not! There isn't anything to be lost by taking an opportunity, only things to be potentially gained. This chain of thought is what's keeping me going right now.

The right word in the right ear at the right time can move mountains if it needs to, and my task is much smaller than that right now. I've thought, what if it fails? But then, so what? There's literally nothing to lose by trying, except maybe a bit of time, wow, like I don't already have enough of that.

Apparently I work best with Sherlock on in the background. I relate far too much to that man, if I could deduce like he could we would be the same person. Which probably isn't good, because I'm sure he's sociopathic.. Meh! Let's not dwell on that!

Nom nom Cake. Nom nom drinks. Estimated time left to complete uni work? 40 minutes! Fuck yeah. Might actually get to play a game before bed tonight, or just sleep, or do anything! Free time! I could make my fingers dance or sing or.. Learn Zombie Prom songs? That's probably the most likely! Yay, work! :P

I don't want to blame my Depression and Anxiety any more, unless it's an actual panic attack. I can pretty much work through it all now, I'm just shy. Which I kinda always have been. Do I feel like myself again. Yeah I do. What would Joe do in these situations! Exactly this. Fuck me, I'm home!

Kex

Underdog/4D

Bit of a 2 parter today folks

I dunno why, but I feel like an underdog in most things I do. No matter how hard I work or what I do, I am constantly underrated and it makes me feel under valued. I'm a person that would do anything for anyone, whatever that means for myself. I find myself now on the brink of physical and mental exhaustion as I try and juggle everything that needs to be done. 3 Weeks. That's all I need to hold out for.

No one knows what it's like to be me. The shit I have to face on a daily basis would make other people cringe. I'm sure others have their own problems too, but still, no one really knows what I go through to live a semi normal life. Just plaster on that face and smile Joe, it's for the best, really.

Am I feeling down? I dunno? Maybe. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, strange.

Anyhow, enough of that.

So, yesterday I spoke about the concept of the mind travelling backwards through different timelines to allow someone to view possible outcomes of life, and that has set me off thinking about a whole range of things. Firstly, what if the human brain already possesses this capability? It would explain "prophetic dreams" or the sensation of Deja Vu, as you would be literally reliving an event you had already seen. Looking at it another way, it means that humans, as a species, have much more control over their own destinies than we can ever account for!

But Kex, I hear you ask, if this is true, then why are certain tragedies allowed to occur  The simple answer is for the good of the human race. Without monumental catastrophes to guide us, who knows where we could have ended up. It could cast historical figures in different lights, if it is possible that they could have known what they were getting into before they did it.

According to string theory there are several more dimensions than those that we experience. As a human, I too fall prey to the notion that in order to believe something it must be seen. But thinking of it another way, if 2-dimensional beings were to exist, they would be unable to see us, as we technically would be unable to see them. Everything in out viewable universe is 3D, no matter how small or flat, simply because the atoms that comprise it are in 3D themselves. Surely, the same must apply true for 4th dimensional beings, we should be unable to perceive them, as the us, yet we should be able to occupy the same space. It's all very confusing. I can't even begin to fathom exactly what the 4th spacial dimension would even be.

This whole thing brought me onto another chain of thought. I'm sure I heard somewhere that scientists had managed to run a simulation that emulates a universe being made. If this isn't true, I imagine its only a matter of time before they do. Now, thinking about this, if they can create a universe, will this universe be capable of supporting life, and if it is, will that life be sentient? Could it figure out that it's whole existence is within the giant supercomputer which is essentially god? Surely that has to be a possibility if it is to be an accurate simulation? Now. What if that universe was our universe? We simulated ourselves into existence, and we keep repeating the cycle until everything goes right. What's right? Who knows? Hell, who decides? Now, is this theory and my first theory not essentially the same? Millions of timelines existing simultaeniously, with an overseer guiding it on its path.

My head hurts.

Kex

Zero/Nobody/Butterfly

Have you heard of the Multiverse theory? An infinite number of potential universes all exist simultaneously with each other, depending on any given number of choices people make. A lot of the media I've ingested recently take this one step further, what if you could explore these possibilities.

As stated in Mr Nobody, as long as you don't chose, everything remains possible  What if we could live out one timeline, see how it goes and what we could learn from it, then send our consciousness back to that earlier, make or break decision and go the other way. Imagine the learning possibilities, everything we could find out about ourselves and others, we could all find our way into our perfect lives.

However, removing the capability of failing adds a whole new dimension to life. If something goes wrong, you simply hop back to a prior point and prevent it. But then, if 2 people with opposing views possessed this power, would time simply grind to a halt as the 2 egos battled it out for which future prevailed? Or would the universe simply allow them both to go on in their separate universes.

Of all the superpowers out there, I can't think of any I would rather have than this, the possibilities are literally limitless, and all of its potential applications are incredible. I don't know where I would begin. If you haven't already seen them, I strongly advise watching both Mr. Nobody and The Butterfly Effect until you understand them, the whole concept is mind blowing.

Kex

Smiley

42 unique hits since yesterday, more and more people are reading. 21 of them were from the US. I'm not sure I even know that many people from the US >.>

Why not smile? I go through some real shit, as I supposed everyone does. One of my friends says that how bad something is is relative, and she is pretty much right. But what about when nothing goes wrong but you feel shit about it anyway? Digression, I'm not actually down today. Tired maybe, looking at my workload for the next month, I suppose sleeping has become optional. Should be fun to manage it all.. Digressing again.

I was told today that I'm a very smiley person, something that I haven't been told since college. Does this mean I'm better? I don't know any more, I've gotten so used to wearing this mask, I'm not sure what I enjoy or want now. But I did feel happy, those little things that take me back to the person I want to be again. I think I'm going to get there soon :)

I've decided to do something for myself.

Every day, I will write one thing that made me happy that day, just for myself, it could be one word, it could be 100 pages, but I want to preserve all of the good memories as a way of bringing myself back and pulling me up, should I need it. I'm not going to publish it on here, as I'm not sure it's something I want everyone to say, these are my own private thoughts after all. Number 1 on that list, of course, is: Being told I'm a smiley person :)

I'm gonna fix myself. I don't care what it takes. No more sad! :D

Kex

PS. For those of you who wonder why I call myself Kexys. Kexys was the name of my online Avatar, people knew me as Kexys, and as you know, with internet anonymity, you can be the person you want, say what you want. The kind of person I want to be can do all that in real life. Kexys is a big part of me, as big as any other. If you know me, I suppose it's possible to figure out something about me by deciphering my name :) I'll let you think about that.

Returns

Written 5th April, but I have no internet connection for a while cos I'm staying at my mums, so I'll post when I get home.

Tomorrow I turn 25. Where the fuck did that sneak up from. I remember being 18, a small party with my friends. I remember turning 21, having a party with my whole family, then heading off to Spiders with some people and getting hammered on Vodka and orange juice. I remember last year, when I got a call from my mum, and since then have been visiting most weeks. I also got so off my face that I spent an hour talking to a tennis raquet that I thought was a tiny alien sitting on my windowsill. Good times.

So much has changed since this time last year, yet I almost feel more trapped now. Everyone seems to be away for my birthday, and I don't know what to do with it. I should be going out and getting off my face with my friends, but the fact is I just don't seem to want to. Despite the bonds I have formed this year, I feel further away from people than I ever have before.

I took a reflective look at myself today, and I didn't like what I saw. I want to change. I want to be better than I am now, but I don't know how. I feel like I take everything given to me and fuck it up completely. Whatever I want always seems a little out of my grasp, no matter how far I rise up. I don't know how to interact with people. What use is it being smart if I can't figure out how to be friendly. It's so fucked up. I'm 25 tomorrow, and I still can't follow basic social cues. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Such a strange day today, so much has happened in so little a time. I don't understand people. There's always an undercurrent to people, a hidden motive that people don't want to show to everyone. As a neutral party, I hear most of it, though I imagine there is just as much said about me. I'd rather people say things to my face though, if you have a problem, maybe we can resolve it. There's no point in saying things about it behind my back. I'll be honest, I don't even know if or what people say, but I'm sure there is something. To quote, truth might hurt for a bit now, but lies hurt forever.

Regarding a previous update, I said I would be looking back and kicking myself, and sure enough, I should be. But I'm not, everything that happened, happened in probably a bad way, and I know I could have handled the situation better. You live and learn, and this is one of those experiences that I plan to learn from. Time to look elsewhere and find something thats real and not caught in a dream.

I'm 25 years old tomorrow, and in some ways, I don't feel like I'm mature enough to be that age. But then in others, I feel aged and old, like I have thought too much. I wish I could find a happy medium and just for once, I could make something in my life work. I would give anything to have something happy and simple in my life right now.

Anyway, it's almost time to go meet my sister from work. I should probably plaster that smile back on.

Kexys

Dualogue

Don't take it at face value, it's not always black and white

I hate being a thinker, I hate it so much more than you could ever know. What I wouldn't give to be able to sail through life uncaring, unburdened thought. In the end, it all comes down to something so far out of my control, no matter how much I think about it, nothing I do now can affect any outcome. Have I done enough, too much, not enough. Have I fooled myself, a fanciful trick of the mind designed to give nothing but hurt.

Nothing that's ever worth it is easy.

I'm terrified. Terrified of taking a step that could wreck everything. I don't know what I want, but I know what I have now works and can last, but this new thing, it's strange. I know it's not right to feel like I do, but at the same time, it could be fantastic. I just want to see what happens..

I don't want to hurt anyone, but no matter what I do, I feel like someone is going to get hurt, I don't know if I can do that to them.

-

When you finally find someone you can bond with, form a real connection, unlike any you've had for as long as you can remember, the world seems a whole lot less lonely.

Kexys

Reset

I need to get all this negative energy off myself before midnight. Not having anything disrupt the winter-een-mas vibe this year.

I've felt so lonely recently. Which I know is stupid because I'm surrounded by so many people. It feels almost like I exist independently of them sometimes, whilst at others, I feel smothered by them. The worst part about it is that I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't make things any easier to deal with feeling numb and having anxiety attacks in lessons. People don't understand, and even inadvertently make fun, adding to the stress. I suppose it's my own fault for trying to hide them, but guys, if you see me freaking out, don't torment me about it. Give me a hug damnit :(

Moving onwards, I don't want to dwell any more on that last thought, I've dragged that around for too long. As soon as tomorrow hits, I want a line drawn under this issue.

An hour until Wintereenmas hits. This is the first year I've not had it off work/uni since I was 18. Which is a shame, but I'll just have to go without sleep for the gaming festivities, and what a Wintereenmas it will be, I hope. With any luck, my league application will be approved, meaning I'll be able to TO again, and when I TO again, I can open a shop again! On top of that, I'll be getting back into several games I've not played in years, mostly away from the computer. It is a great deal of work, I'm not going to lie, but doing it will be a lot of fun, and should hopefully generate a little bit of extra income.

And of course Hair. I know it's not part of Wintereenmas, but it's still really enjoyable. Again, it's throwing work at us by the bucketload, but it's nothing we can't handle, and when we do the shows mid-march, we're going to rock the house! :D

Anyway, only a short one today guys. Peace and love. And smile :)

Kex

Review/Resolute

Lets be honest, most people make their resolutions at the new year with little to no intent on following them up. 2012 has been a long, strange trip fr me, and looking back at who I was, and what my aims were at the start of the year, I can barely believe where I have ended up.

For those of you who only met me this year, these words will still not be enough to show you the change I have undergone. I was broken and lost, unsure of my future, and I almost didn't care. I was waiting on my counselling to try and build myself back up, but I never ended up going. What pulled me back from the brink were the friends I made, and ultimately, singing.

As my confidence was building, I found my way to the FDMT carribiean night. Realizing that I actually knew a lot of people there (mainly ex-cheerleaders and NAPA students), I asked about the course, finally deciding that I wanted to go for it. I did my whole application that night, whilst drunk. And though there was a fair wait, I finally got my audition, and was accepted, which gave my confidence a much needed boost.

For the rest of the summer, my thoughts were on knuckling down and making myself well enough to go to Uni. During this time, someone hurt me, and I in turn hurt someone else. That's my largest regret of the year. I could say I'm sorry, but they are simply spoken words. Even so, I am indeed sorry for my actions.

By the summer, I had recovered enough of myself to go back to cheer again. I honestly have no greater love for anything than that that I have for my sport, and going back was just the best feeling in the world, even if, within a week, my nose suffered a nice clean break. I expected a broken bone to hurt more, really. Since then, we've gone away on 2 weekends, with our victory at IDTA being one of my highlights of this year.

With my vocal lessons at the Warren came the voice project, I hinted a lot at a Glee group, and this was a close second for me. I've always loved group and duet singing probably more than I do solo. Because of the Voice, I made new friends. The best part about being at the Warren is the fact that noone will judge you. I could be nothing but myself there, and still be accepted by all my friends.

Quicker than expected, September rolled around, and my life at Uni began. This was my testament to all the progress I had made, and all the people who have helped me make it. I had expected a lot of hard work, but I never expected to learn as much as I did in such a short time. I went in still unsure about myself, but the people around me helped me keep myself together.

Everyone in my class is amazing. No, literally every single person. There have been ups and downs between us all, but ultimately, I love every one of them. We came together as a class and put on our Revue show, which was a huge success, coming down to the fact of the talent of everyone involved, and the help of everyone involved in the production who dragged us along and pulled this show out of us.

I look back now to my new years resolutions of 2012, and I come away knowing that I accomplished most of them in some form. They may have been done indirectly, but they are all a success:

1) Get a job. Not a job as such, but I am at Uni, which is a good equivalent for me. I also do Saturdays at the bar, which I do really enjoy.

2) Get my ass back to cheer. I already covered this one! Successful resolution.

3) Conquer this anxiety. I'm not all there yet, but my improvement is phenomenal  I feel like I can keep making steps forward.

4) Get a girlfriend. Complicated one. Even I'm not sure where this stands, being right now or the whole rest of the year. My bonds with other people, especially females from my past have changed drastically, and now I'm in a convoluted mess I would very much like to escape from. The underlying concept of this however, although not a success, I consider the bonds I have formed with others to be far more valuable at the moment.

5) Try to be nicer to everyone. Heh, lame right. I think I may have ascended to sainthood though, when a guy who punched me (in my already broken nose no less), I ended up walking him home and giving him a hug. I think I'll make a slightly altered version of this for next year though :)

So yeah, mostly a success. I'd give myself a healthy 4/5 for resolutions, which is a success in my book. Now is the time to look forward, and plan for next year. I want 5 again, but I'm not sure what yet, we'll see what comes out:

1) Fix my health. Fitness! I keep saying it, and while I have lost weight and gotten fitter, I'm still not at the standard that I would like to be, so lets make a regime and stick to it. Hit the gym (When the funding comes through) Sort yourself out!

2) Up your confidence! In a similar vein to my anxiety from last year, I feel confident in myself enough to function, now I need to be confident enough to perform to people that aren't myself!

3) Become more organised, and pass this year. Organisation is by far my biggest flaw in my Uni work. I pledge to have a draft ready 2 weeks before the hand in date, and make sure each piece of work is checked through by the tutors, and submitted BEFORE the deadline day.

4) Continue to form and strengthen bonds. I know, this is commonplace for most people, but for someone like me who finds social interaction hard, this is a big thing. It's not that I don't enjoy social interaction, I'm just not too good at it, and that makes me come across as awkward.

5) Not let myself get overworked and lose myself. I want to do everything I need to to succeed, but I realize after a long 3 months that I also need to find time to myself to game, write, and reply to E-mails more often (sorry Aki-chan <3)

There we go, 5 resolutions. I reckon I can manage them. I'll start the Re:fit blog when my funding comes through and I can actually do things properly, no excuses this time Joe! Anyway thanks for sticking out this far, I know it's been a long one, I wanted to write acknowledgements about all the people in my life this year, but I don't think I'd ever stop writing.

Mum
Dad
Lucy
Adam
Bessie
Emily
Ellie
Sue
Aki-Chan
Jade
Helen
Katie, Lauren, Rosie, Carly and everyone at the Warren
Julie, Sheridan, Maget, Ben, Staci, Joe, Danny, Stocksy, Craig, Leah, Gentah, Beth, Squid, Shannon,
Becca, Imogen, Ruby, Ella, Jessica and any other Redz/DWS that I may have missed.
Chip, Sara, Marc, Richard, Ginger, Maurice, T3, Terry, Tom and the rest of Humberside Wargames society.
Aelius, Aaron, Matt, Doushie, Darthax, Lynora, Elva, Dayle, Eminos, Free, Lich, Ryan, and the rest of UE
Tom, Jade, Nommy, Bannah, Shaun, Ben, Samba, Jess, Sarah, Abbie, Amy, Stuart, Jack, Eli, Jesus, Mikey, and everyone else on the Musical Theater course.
Kerrie, Brian, Val, Mark, Sue, Jez and Becky, our tutors
And everyone else who has made an impact on my life this year.

Thank you all for being the most amazing people. I feel honoured to be friends with you.

Have a great 2013 everyone,
Kex