So, I've not blogged in such a long time because, although this blog is meant to be for my own personal reflection, I do share it, people read it, and right now, I've opened up to a lot of people that they could understand a lot of the meanings behind the things I say, or who a certain part of the blog is directed at. As such, I've held it all inside, badly. This resulted in me going off at someone who i'd really rather not have. I'll try to explain later.
Basically, since last blogging, it has been a very stressful time. I've not coped well, but have somehow coped.
As much as I want to be friends with everyone, I know that cannot be the case, and it hurts every time that, say we've talked for ages the day before, because of the company you hold the next day, you don't even look at me. Problem is, I honestly just want to get along, so as much as I keep telling myself that I'm going to stop talking to you, I can't, because I actually like you. And no, this isn't about the most obvious person you're thinking of.
However, I've made friends with people that I really thought I wouldn't. Which is strange, as while we never saw eye to eye, we now agree on most things, it's nice. I guess perception can be warped by how well you actually know a person and others opinion of them.
The shows we did, while stressful in their nature, as shows are, hit very close to home on occasion. Both were about being upset and pushing those closest from you away, something that I could resonate very deeply with, and there were days when I had to pull myself out of that fantasy, as I was getting too lost in my own circumstance.
However, despite that hard process, the shows went amazingly, at least, I feel they did for myself. I got great feedback from people, including my singing tutor, whom I've always had the utmost respect for, telling me that my performance was perfect. That note actually made my year. The emotion memory brought to life by the focus of the shows really helped in those accords.
This year has been a veritable emotional train ride/wreck. It started on an all time low, and I dropped off the radar again, barely managing to stay afloat. And though, I did manage to bring myself back, it was never for me. I spent the entire year chasing the happiness of others, willing to devote myself to any cause other than myself, just to forget who I was for a while. And when there was noone to make happy, I simply became sad again.
I spent so long, believing I wasn't good enough for anything. Forever thinking that I deserved to be trodden on and treated like dirt, because noone else would even acknowledge me. I need to change that. I need to be happy for me, with myself. And that is my focus for this next year. Whatever happens, by this time next year, I will be happy with what I have become.
But still, as Tyrion Lannister so eloquently puts it: "I have a soft spot for cripples, bastards and broken things." I see someone who is on the outside, someone who is hurting, or just lost, and I want to help them. I lend pieces of my heart to anyone who needs them to mend their own, but such am left with nothing there myself, as it never gets returned. I know it will mend and regrow over time, but I need to stop giving it away to people with no intent on returning.
But then one, who, no matter how hard I seem to push, won't really leave, but I can see has already left. I told her everything, I poured my broken heart out and she took the brunt of it all and didn't run. And then with just a few words, unintentionally twisted the knife that was already stuck in there.
I wanted to hide, I wanted never to come out, and if it were not for a sense of obligation, I probably would have. After Uni finished, I became a lot worse at actually leaving the house again. However, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel.
A new place has opened up in town. A place that feels right, there was no anxiety trigger when I first entered, and there has not been one yet. The people are amazing, and it feels like I actually have friends I can pop in and hang around with again. As far as recovery assets go, this is a shining beacon. I actually feel like part of a group I can include myself with now. Somewhere I can be that's not Uni or my bedroom. Bliss.
One of the reasons I didn't want to start writing today was that I didn't think I'd be able to stop myself. I've barely covered any of the issues bothering me right now, and I'm already this far down. unfortunately, I still can't say half of the things I want to due to people reading. I don't care about what I'm saying making it difficult for me, it's when my writing starts putting out other people that I'm bothered, especially ones I care about.
But I don't know what to do. I want to just wait, let things be as they are and see what happens. But have you tried the wait and see approach with anxiety? You over analyse everything they say, everything the do, and especially, everything they don't say.
I want to be happy. I want to make people, especially someone, happy. I don't really care much about anything else. Is that a way to live your life? Probably not, but if I get what I want, then everything will be fine.
Life.. Well fuck.
Kexys
Saturday 26 December 2015
Saturday 31 October 2015
Worthless
I hate days like today. No matter what I seem to do, when I get in a funk, I just can't shake it off, and the entire day becomes shitty. I feel full on worthless.
I couldn't sleep last night, ended up drifting off at 6am. Woke up midday after a bad dream sent me into a full on panic attack. Stupid. In the dream I was arguing with a friend over such petty shit, but it triggered a full day of worthlessness. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking, and since, my heart has felt physically heavy all day, like I can feel it weighing down my chest.
Now, nothing I have done today is out of the ordinary. I've text people, played games, sung.. and that's about it. Fairly normal day for me. But I've had that nagging doubt that everyone I was talking to was just getting sick and bored of me, to the point where I stopped talking to anyone around 7pm ish.. I've been distracted in games, and every time I've messed something up it's brought me down further, it's either perfection or nothing.
I hope this goes away tomorrow, but I'm afraid to go to sleep, in case that dream comes back and sets me back again. I don't want to deal with another day of worthlessness.
What I wouldn't give to feel wanted. To think that, somewhere out there, someone actually gave a shit. If i were to disappear right now, noone would notice, and even if they did, it would only be because I wasn't doing something I was supposed to. Noone would care.
It's just pure worthlessness. It's just me.
Kexys
I couldn't sleep last night, ended up drifting off at 6am. Woke up midday after a bad dream sent me into a full on panic attack. Stupid. In the dream I was arguing with a friend over such petty shit, but it triggered a full day of worthlessness. It took me 15 minutes to stop shaking, and since, my heart has felt physically heavy all day, like I can feel it weighing down my chest.
Now, nothing I have done today is out of the ordinary. I've text people, played games, sung.. and that's about it. Fairly normal day for me. But I've had that nagging doubt that everyone I was talking to was just getting sick and bored of me, to the point where I stopped talking to anyone around 7pm ish.. I've been distracted in games, and every time I've messed something up it's brought me down further, it's either perfection or nothing.
I hope this goes away tomorrow, but I'm afraid to go to sleep, in case that dream comes back and sets me back again. I don't want to deal with another day of worthlessness.
What I wouldn't give to feel wanted. To think that, somewhere out there, someone actually gave a shit. If i were to disappear right now, noone would notice, and even if they did, it would only be because I wasn't doing something I was supposed to. Noone would care.
It's just pure worthlessness. It's just me.
Kexys
Saturday 10 October 2015
Depression/Anxiety
I was looking for a good reason to write my 50th blog (Yup, it is the 50th post that's ever been published on here, kinda came as a shock to me too), and then I realised that today was Mental Health Day. I don't know what's going to follow, but I'm going to try and give you some insight into what it's like to have problems with depression and anxiety.
My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.
That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?
Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.
Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.
It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.
I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.
But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.
We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.
I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.
Thanks for reading.
Kexys
My most recent episode was earlier this week, I'd overslept my alarm, bearing in mind it was only 7:50 still, but it meant that I wouldn't have time for a shower before uni. Because of this, I had a panic attack. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, it's indescribable. The world collapses in on you and you feel like its all weighing on you at once, you're suffocating under the weight of it, struggling to breathe. But the worst part is knowing that your worry is completely irrational, knowing that you're just being stupid, wanting to shake it off but just being absolutely powerless to.. It crushes you and knocks you back for the rest of the day.
That stems from anxiety, complete irrationality, thinking that anything and everything you do can be misconstrued and taken the wrong way. Accidentally showing up late to a lesson could be super embarrassing, but then you know nobody would actually care, so why are you worrying so much?
Then you meet depression, which just saps you of your urge to do.. Well, anything. You want to make the effort to go out and see your friends, but it becomes too much for you. You need to be in uni to get good grades, but what is the point if you're just going to fail anyway? Those thoughts going round and round your head, never shutting the fuck up, not for a second, leaving you incapable of hearing your own voice and drowning out any hope of actually being good today. It's full on terrifying.
Then a good day comes along, like a dream, something happens that makes today silent. The planets have arrived and everything seems right with the world, you stride confidently out of the house, feeling like an actual human being again. Then comes the pang. That one shred of doubt. Something so simple as you see a friend talking to someone else, and the voice comes back. You've been replaced. Your mental health has won and your friends are leaving you, one by one. People disappear because they don't understand, because they won't wait for you to climb the insurmountable wall that they can't even begin to comprehend. So you sit, battered and alone, waiting for anything to happen to change it. But it never does. The cycle never ends.
It's easy enough to bring blame to a person or circumstance as the cause of depression, but the simple fact is that it's a chemical imbalance, and completely beyond your control. So many people think the best advice is "You're just not trying hard enough," "You need to just snap out of it," or my personal favorite "But you're not really ill though." I cannot even begin to state how unhelpful this is. Do you honestly think I want to sit here like this? Do you think this is preferred to actually going out and doing something? No, I'm not just being lazy, no, I'm not putting a negative spin on everything. I have an illness, and so do 25% of other people out there and if you can't appreciate that then please keep your comments to yourself.
I want to be better, I want to just delete this part of me, and I have tried to do so for a very long time. That much inner conflict only opens the door for more problems. The hardest part for me, is with people. I want so much to make friends and connections, but it's hard. I don't know where the line is, I don't want to annoy you or come off as clingy, so I push away and become distant and aloof, but that doesn't work either, and it all just ends up failing, every single time.
But I don't want to be defined by my mental health. I want to show the world that I am more that the chemical imbalance in my brain, and just recently, I have begun to feel better about myself. I've come to accept it as a part of who I am. Without all that inner conflict to resolve, things get easier to explain, and as I can explain it better, I feel people are starting to understand my plight.
We, as the human race are moving into the age of acceptance. People are so much more free and liberal than they were 100, or even 50 years ago. So why is the stigma still on mental health? You wouldn't ask someone with a broken leg to try running, so don't ask someone with anxiety to come out of their comfort zone. If you don't understand, then educate yourself. If you're unwilling to understand, then shut up and stand back. End the stigma on mental health, and mental health issues will be reduced, I guarantee it.
I am not my mental health problem. I am not a freak, unnatural or in any way not normal. I am not alone.
Thanks for reading.
Kexys
Friday 2 October 2015
Karmic/fear/fate
- Found a post I left unfinished, not what I meant to post today, but I'll add it on for good measure -
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
I'm not religious, not even a little. not for lack of trying, mind you, I would love the comfort that comes with the security of religion, I just cant bring myself to believe in something with no factual grounds.
Which had me thinking today: If I'm not religious, and don't believe in heaven or hell, what insentive do I have to be a good person?
I'm not a great believer in the concept of karma, as good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. All of the corruption scandals you hear about are from people well off in positions of power, mostly there through some underhanded means. So why should I continue being good?
Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you I'm I'm pretty much an honest prick. I'll say the things that most people won't, and I believe that is a symptom of my anxiety.
What a lot of people don't realise about me, is that sometimes it takes an awful lot for me to do the simple things that they take for granted. Being in an unfamiliar place, spending time with people, or even leaving the house some days can be monumental tasks that require a great deal of energy and courage from myself. However, I've found that continually drawing on my courage like that only serves to strengthen it when I actually use it.
It took running at a wall with my eyes closed to realise this fact. Judging from what I saw, maybe two or three strides from the wall, everyones fear response kicked in and they stopped running, whereas I felt the fear kick in, but I pushed through it to successfully complete the excercise. Like I said, this may seem little, but this to me is a huge victory. It's the first time I have seen a positive come from my anxiety. It's actually made me stronger.
Fortunately, I have a rather good grasp on my mental health, and I should hope so, as it's taken my 6 years or so to get to this point, and I know where my limitations are. I don't expect people to pussy foot around it for me, and I'm genuinely not offended when I can't accept an invite and everyone leaves, because I don't want them to change for me. I'll be there when I'm good and ready, and we all will be better for it.
Being scared of everything doesn't make you a coward, it makes you an absolute hero for facing your fears on a daily basis, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Another topic flying around my head is the issue of "fate" and "destiny". As a non religious person, how am I supposed to come to the conclusion that nothing is in our hands and that we should simply accept life as it comes? I pride myself on my ability to read people, but I've also come to realise recently that perspective plays such a huge part in that reading, sometimes it's not to be trusted. Everyone is someones friend after all, just because I view them as a villain, they must have some redeeming qualities.
However, when I'm thinking I want to see someone, and then somehow manage to bump into them, due to a series of unplanned events. I planned to go buy some lozenges before university one morning, but I forgot my wallet, meaning I had to miss out on going to the shop. I realised that I didn't have it not far from my house, but there was a gang of kids behind me and my anxiety wouldn't let me turn around. So because of all the time I saved, I accidentally bumped into the person on the way, but would have missed it if any of what I'd planned had happened, and in my mind, that's just crazy.
It's easy to play off as a series of coincidences, however there's only so much coincidence that can be explained. Could it have been a karmic reward? Will time tell if I'm in the right here? Should I believe in karma and fate? There is only so much that can be told, after all. Am I seeing what I want to see, simply because I want it to be true. Head needs to be quiet now, too much thinky.
Thanks for reading,
Kexys
Saturday 26 September 2015
Re:flection
Okay so, let's take a look back at where I am and how I got here.
Three weeks ago I was a wreck. Barely sustained by a life of escaping reality with no real purpose. Three weeks ago I had written off a year of my life to recover and become well. Three weeks ago I thought the world was scary. Three weeks ago I thought I was alone. Three weeks ago I thought everything hated me. Three weeks ago I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come out, because what was the point?
Two weeks ago I had a moment of lucidity and set myself on a course of life. Two weeks ago I was terrified. Two weeks ago I was a wreck. Two weeks ago I thought that I was doomed to fail and that everything I touched was going to become shit. Two weeks ago I decided to become strong. Two weeks ago I looked at healthy eating. Two weeks ago I consigned myself to get through whatever life threw at me. Two weeks ago I was seething with anger.
One week ago I learnt not everything is as scary as you perceive. One week ago I learnt you villainise people from your past as it helps you deal with losing them. One week ago I was beginning to feel accepted again. One week ago I had started my meat and salad diet. One week ago I noticed I was pulling my belt to more notches. One week ago I felt more healthy. One week ago I slept the night through. One week ago I found a part of myself I thought I'd lost.
Today I keep feeling better. Today I not only worked with someone I never thought I would, it was productive, we got a lot done, it was even kind of fun. Today made friends easily. Today I spoke out in a crowded room easily. Today I attempted to better myself off my own back. Today I realised I don't have to be "not broken", I just have to appreciate myself for what I am. Today I realised my anxiety isn't a curse, it's just a part of me. Today I'm sitting here not talking to someone I want to because I'm a fool.
Tomorrow I'm going to keep getting better. Tomorrow I'm not going to hold back. Tomorrow, I'm going to be me again. Tomorrow, I am nobodies fool.
Kexys
Three weeks ago I was a wreck. Barely sustained by a life of escaping reality with no real purpose. Three weeks ago I had written off a year of my life to recover and become well. Three weeks ago I thought the world was scary. Three weeks ago I thought I was alone. Three weeks ago I thought everything hated me. Three weeks ago I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come out, because what was the point?
Two weeks ago I had a moment of lucidity and set myself on a course of life. Two weeks ago I was terrified. Two weeks ago I was a wreck. Two weeks ago I thought that I was doomed to fail and that everything I touched was going to become shit. Two weeks ago I decided to become strong. Two weeks ago I looked at healthy eating. Two weeks ago I consigned myself to get through whatever life threw at me. Two weeks ago I was seething with anger.
One week ago I learnt not everything is as scary as you perceive. One week ago I learnt you villainise people from your past as it helps you deal with losing them. One week ago I was beginning to feel accepted again. One week ago I had started my meat and salad diet. One week ago I noticed I was pulling my belt to more notches. One week ago I felt more healthy. One week ago I slept the night through. One week ago I found a part of myself I thought I'd lost.
Today I keep feeling better. Today I not only worked with someone I never thought I would, it was productive, we got a lot done, it was even kind of fun. Today made friends easily. Today I spoke out in a crowded room easily. Today I attempted to better myself off my own back. Today I realised I don't have to be "not broken", I just have to appreciate myself for what I am. Today I realised my anxiety isn't a curse, it's just a part of me. Today I'm sitting here not talking to someone I want to because I'm a fool.
Tomorrow I'm going to keep getting better. Tomorrow I'm not going to hold back. Tomorrow, I'm going to be me again. Tomorrow, I am nobodies fool.
Kexys
Thursday 24 September 2015
Tuesday 22 September 2015
Miracle
I've come to realise that miracles, though they can occur, don't happen nearly often as they should. If there is something you want, you can sit back, waiting on a miracle, or you can go out and do everything in your power to attain it.
I don't expect things to happen overnight, or any kind of short time frame. But progress is progress, and when you can see little things happening day by day, it's a real work up. Currently, I have 3 goals for this next year, and I will make them work, in only the last week, my situation on all of them has improved visibly. But when the easiest of these goals is beating out the competition to get a lead in a musical, the rest must be something special.
But it's all work, work that you can't be afraid to dive headlong into. Nothing is to be attained by sitting on my hands and waiting. I need to bring what I want to me. It's just time and work. And in a perfect world a miracle would happen, and that day would finally be here. But it will be, just you wait and see.
I'm not holding back any more.
V
I don't expect things to happen overnight, or any kind of short time frame. But progress is progress, and when you can see little things happening day by day, it's a real work up. Currently, I have 3 goals for this next year, and I will make them work, in only the last week, my situation on all of them has improved visibly. But when the easiest of these goals is beating out the competition to get a lead in a musical, the rest must be something special.
But it's all work, work that you can't be afraid to dive headlong into. Nothing is to be attained by sitting on my hands and waiting. I need to bring what I want to me. It's just time and work. And in a perfect world a miracle would happen, and that day would finally be here. But it will be, just you wait and see.
I'm not holding back any more.
V
Sunday 20 September 2015
Psycho
That rush of euphoria when you nail a song you've been practising for a while, but never quite managed. My latest hurdle was "Meant to be Yours" from Heathers, which is just an all out beltfest, and absolutely exhausting, and after 4 days, I've finally got it to a happy starting point. Still plenty of a way to go with it though. Considering doing this for my technique song this year, as it has a lot to work on.
There is every possibility we'll be doing Heathers for our show this year, and if we do, and the irony of auditioning for the part of "psycho boyfriend" is not lost on me, but I love the part, and the show, and won't settle for less. Don't misunderstand, Ram and Kurt are both really good roles with a lot to do, but something about JD resonates with me, that, and I don't much fancy spending the entire second act in my underwear.
It's gonna be a tough road, but I'm already on it. Whether we do Heathers or not, fitness and vocal excercises are going to stay a daily routine. As soon as it's confirmed, I'll get the script and the character down. This is one of the 3 things I'm going to accomplish this year, and nothing is going to stop me!
Stay strong folks,
Kexys
There is every possibility we'll be doing Heathers for our show this year, and if we do, and the irony of auditioning for the part of "psycho boyfriend" is not lost on me, but I love the part, and the show, and won't settle for less. Don't misunderstand, Ram and Kurt are both really good roles with a lot to do, but something about JD resonates with me, that, and I don't much fancy spending the entire second act in my underwear.
It's gonna be a tough road, but I'm already on it. Whether we do Heathers or not, fitness and vocal excercises are going to stay a daily routine. As soon as it's confirmed, I'll get the script and the character down. This is one of the 3 things I'm going to accomplish this year, and nothing is going to stop me!
Stay strong folks,
Kexys
Thursday 17 September 2015
Re:start
Last night was the first time I've slept through 8 hours in about 6 months. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel well and rested in the mornings.
Feel like a weight is off my shoulders. The day was nothing as I'd imagined, but better. Anxiety took over, but was unwarranted. I didn't know what to say, or how to act, so, for the most part, I didn't, but that was okay, as when I did, it was listened to. And though it was obviously awkward for all parties, I respect them all for their professionalism, even after the lesson ended and it wasn't required. These gestures spoke volumes and kick started the healing process that had been stagnated for so long. The process may be slow for now, but I have high hopes.
In addition to my counselling, this has raised my mood volumes, and I feel physically better for it. Mental health is such a fragile thing that can affect you massively in ways you don't realise.
In addition, I've started what I'm dubbing the cucumber diet. I genuinely think I'm addicted to cucumbers. They taste amazing and are apparently really good for you. Could live off the things. The people in Sainsbury's are starting to look at me funny for the strange amount of cucumbers I've suddenly started buying, but hey, if it works, it works!
Here's to a good, healthy year, fixing what's broken on every front. I know it can and will work. I will get everything I want this year.
Kexys.
Feel like a weight is off my shoulders. The day was nothing as I'd imagined, but better. Anxiety took over, but was unwarranted. I didn't know what to say, or how to act, so, for the most part, I didn't, but that was okay, as when I did, it was listened to. And though it was obviously awkward for all parties, I respect them all for their professionalism, even after the lesson ended and it wasn't required. These gestures spoke volumes and kick started the healing process that had been stagnated for so long. The process may be slow for now, but I have high hopes.
In addition to my counselling, this has raised my mood volumes, and I feel physically better for it. Mental health is such a fragile thing that can affect you massively in ways you don't realise.
In addition, I've started what I'm dubbing the cucumber diet. I genuinely think I'm addicted to cucumbers. They taste amazing and are apparently really good for you. Could live off the things. The people in Sainsbury's are starting to look at me funny for the strange amount of cucumbers I've suddenly started buying, but hey, if it works, it works!
Here's to a good, healthy year, fixing what's broken on every front. I know it can and will work. I will get everything I want this year.
Kexys.
Wednesday 9 September 2015
Mind Reader
*Disclaimer* - This is not about anyone in particular, all points are general and just musings of an anxious mind.
I have an uncanny ability to read people.
That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.
But what about that one time it isn't?
Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.
This causes problems.
My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.
And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.
Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.
But you can't turn it off.
There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.
The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.
But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.
That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.
So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.
Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.
Much love folks,
Kexys
I have an uncanny ability to read people.
That isn't up for debate. I listen, and I watch, and 19 times out of 20, my assessment is spot in the mark.
But what about that one time it isn't?
Every now and again, there are barriers to the truth, be it straight out lies, or rose coloured glasses, noone can be right all the time.
This causes problems.
My councillor today handed me a sheet of forms of negative thinking and asked which I felt I did, and the one that I resonated most with, was mind reading, assuming that people are going to say the things before they say them.
And though I'm not often wrong, sometimes it's disastrous.
Sometimes, you don't need to be wrong. When you can see in someones eyes and actions that they are lying, or that they aren't letting on everything that they are thinking, your choices are either to confront, and cause issues, or let it lie, and cause issues. It's surely a lose-lose.
But you can't turn it off.
There's no way I can stop noticing the way you subtle look away when you use that tone of voice you do when you lie, or that coyness and feigned innocence that belies a deeper motive.
The worst, is when I'm not even wrong, but the person refuses to acknowledge to themselves, or doesn't even realise what I'm saying is the truth, and while I become adamant it's happening they only fight harder to deny, even though they eventually realise it's the truth.
But then, the one time I'm wrong always seems to be the one I get stressed about. I've lost people because I've been adamant on a point that was wrong.
That's the balls about anxiety. I'd rather not notice, I'd rather be blissfully ignorant, but this head wont allow it. It MUST take everything in and come to a conclusion. A world in chaos is a scary thing, with order and logic comes security, and with understanding comes safety.
So please, if I jump to a conclusion and am vastly off the mark, please try not to get too angry with me, it's a symptom that I'm working on resolving, and I'll make it up to you for being a loggerhed. With cookies, or noodles.. Or something.
Baby steps. Building the foundation of a strong character on the ruins of the old.
Much love folks,
Kexys
Friday 4 September 2015
Moving forward
You can run and hide forever, but you'll never progress by doing so. The only way to move forward is to fight through your fears and overcome the obstacles you face. In my case, the obstacle was being anti-confrontational and anxious, so hiding from the world in response to a threat. But hiding away is not a good place to be.
Initially, I had written off the next year, as a chance to explore myself and become well again. But this break has taught me that there is no way that can be the case. Sitting alone, in my room is the exact opposite of what I need to sort myself out, and though the choice may be a bad one, it is the only one that made sense.
It's counter-intuitive for a sufferer of anxiety to throw themselves into a hostile environment, and I don't expect things to be sunshine and rainbows, not even the slightest. If I can survive this, however, I can survive anything this world wants to throw at me, The only way for me to recover is to take it head on and show the world I'm not afraid, even if inside, I'm terrified.
For those of you not in the know to what this is pertaining to, I have re-enrolled in University to do my third year again after my mental state knocked me for six last year. That wouldn't be a problem, as the only way I currently cope at my darkest is through channelling my emotions into my singing, so more of that is sure to help. However, my history with the class is.. Rocky to say the least, and many of them will not be happy to see me.
But whatever happens, I refuse to be bogged down. I will end this year with my head held high, having beaten every obstacle and being a hundred times stronger for it. That's the plan, anyway. If my time in the theatre has taught me anything:
Something has changed within me, something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap.
Kexys
Initially, I had written off the next year, as a chance to explore myself and become well again. But this break has taught me that there is no way that can be the case. Sitting alone, in my room is the exact opposite of what I need to sort myself out, and though the choice may be a bad one, it is the only one that made sense.
It's counter-intuitive for a sufferer of anxiety to throw themselves into a hostile environment, and I don't expect things to be sunshine and rainbows, not even the slightest. If I can survive this, however, I can survive anything this world wants to throw at me, The only way for me to recover is to take it head on and show the world I'm not afraid, even if inside, I'm terrified.
For those of you not in the know to what this is pertaining to, I have re-enrolled in University to do my third year again after my mental state knocked me for six last year. That wouldn't be a problem, as the only way I currently cope at my darkest is through channelling my emotions into my singing, so more of that is sure to help. However, my history with the class is.. Rocky to say the least, and many of them will not be happy to see me.
But whatever happens, I refuse to be bogged down. I will end this year with my head held high, having beaten every obstacle and being a hundred times stronger for it. That's the plan, anyway. If my time in the theatre has taught me anything:
Something has changed within me, something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes...
And leap.
Kexys
Saturday 21 February 2015
Shades of Grey
No, this isn't about the movie, nor BDSM or abusive relationships in any way (I think), so if you're here for smut, move along please. It's a sad time when you feel like you can't say a phrase you've been using for at least half your life because some book or movie has come out and completely re-wrote the meaning of it!
Why is everything all so confusing nowadays? I miss playground days when it all seemed so black and white, now everything is (figuratively and literally) all shades of grey with no easily desirable outcome. Can we just go back to that simpler time when every word wasn't about internal politics of keeping everyone happy? Is it so hard to get a straight answer, or to not send mixed signals bouncing around everywhere?
I mean, personally, I try and be as honest as possible, within a certain amount of tact. I give compliments when they are due, and am fairly stoic, cold and sarcastic the rest of the time, by my own estimation. Anyone who was 100% brutal would become very lonely, very fast, and as humans, that is the opposite of what we're programmed to do.
I mean humans are ultimately selfish, egotistical creatures, and the easiest way to fuel that ego-centric behaviour is to receive the praise and admiration of others, which is what today's society has become. Even the least selfish of us strive to hear the compliments from someone you seek to impress, whether it be the director who's been constantly berating you, a parent or other family member, or someone who used to be a huge part of your life. That praise feeds our ego and keeps us working towards our goals.
But equally, it's easy enough to pull yourself in, to become too attached to that feeling, and when you do, you become an addict, constantly pressing in ways to hear that next bit of praise, if not from the person that you want it from, then from anyone else who will give it to you. The feeling of someone who used to give compliments to you regularly just pulling away and no longer sending them is something that most people don't know they fear. It ties well into abandonment or loss of sentimentality. We've all done it, grown out of touch with friends or out of love with partners, and we've all felt their last gasp as they try to hold on to something that you can no longer keep there.
It all goes down to the bonds people share, and how much those bonds are valued. It is almost an impossibility that two people see each other in exactly the same light, so someone will always value those bonds higher than the other, which is where problems start to arise. And it's not even as if those bonds are fixed, many events can influence the strength of them. Words, especially. Back to those beautiful, terrible, all powerful words. The single most creative and destructive force on this world.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this today, but I felt the urge to write, and so I did. Food for thought for some, hopefully, for others maybe a realisation. And for a few I imagine a "What the fuck is this guy harping on about now".. But hey, life!
Kexys
Why is everything all so confusing nowadays? I miss playground days when it all seemed so black and white, now everything is (figuratively and literally) all shades of grey with no easily desirable outcome. Can we just go back to that simpler time when every word wasn't about internal politics of keeping everyone happy? Is it so hard to get a straight answer, or to not send mixed signals bouncing around everywhere?
I mean, personally, I try and be as honest as possible, within a certain amount of tact. I give compliments when they are due, and am fairly stoic, cold and sarcastic the rest of the time, by my own estimation. Anyone who was 100% brutal would become very lonely, very fast, and as humans, that is the opposite of what we're programmed to do.
I mean humans are ultimately selfish, egotistical creatures, and the easiest way to fuel that ego-centric behaviour is to receive the praise and admiration of others, which is what today's society has become. Even the least selfish of us strive to hear the compliments from someone you seek to impress, whether it be the director who's been constantly berating you, a parent or other family member, or someone who used to be a huge part of your life. That praise feeds our ego and keeps us working towards our goals.
But equally, it's easy enough to pull yourself in, to become too attached to that feeling, and when you do, you become an addict, constantly pressing in ways to hear that next bit of praise, if not from the person that you want it from, then from anyone else who will give it to you. The feeling of someone who used to give compliments to you regularly just pulling away and no longer sending them is something that most people don't know they fear. It ties well into abandonment or loss of sentimentality. We've all done it, grown out of touch with friends or out of love with partners, and we've all felt their last gasp as they try to hold on to something that you can no longer keep there.
It all goes down to the bonds people share, and how much those bonds are valued. It is almost an impossibility that two people see each other in exactly the same light, so someone will always value those bonds higher than the other, which is where problems start to arise. And it's not even as if those bonds are fixed, many events can influence the strength of them. Words, especially. Back to those beautiful, terrible, all powerful words. The single most creative and destructive force on this world.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this today, but I felt the urge to write, and so I did. Food for thought for some, hopefully, for others maybe a realisation. And for a few I imagine a "What the fuck is this guy harping on about now".. But hey, life!
Kexys
Wednesday 28 January 2015
Despair
So a long post this time, at least, it feels long. This last year has been a very
transitional one for me. I’ve grown a lot as a person, but at the same time, I
feel enclosed within myself. Struggling for motivation with well, anything. I
don’t write essays, learn line/scripts.. Everything I’ve done perfectly for the
last 2 years, and I’m starting to fuck it up now. And my recent changes aren’t necessarily
anything to do with this, as this has been an ongoing thing for months now. But
the stress of everything, massive amounts of change weighing down on me like
anvils on my chest, and having no one to turn to about it has seriously fucked
me up.
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
I’ve become more abrasive, almost to a point of self-destruction. I feel like I’m punishing myself for god knows what and trying to push everyone away because that’s what I deserve. Welcome to the depressive life. It doesn’t matter how much better you get, relapses are inevitable. To those of you who saw my post yesterday on Facebook, that shadow is getting louder and more prominent with me every day, and even when I’m alone with people whispers sweet nasties in my ear about how much everyone hates being around and spending time with me.
But until now, no one knows this. I’ve been trying to be strong, trying to cope on my own because I know I can. But I’m becoming less and less able to. Now more than ever, I want to surround myself with friends, but every time I’m with them, I’m bombarded by horrible thoughts. In these last two weeks, I’ve probably drank more than in the rest of my life combined. And to me, that’s awful. I’m not going to become dependent on any substance to function, least of all alcohol.
The good thing with regards to all this, however, is that I have decided, no matter how hard it will be, that I will wrench myself out of this gutter and back on track. That decision was not easy to make however, and I have waivered at times and considered letting myself become consumed by it. But I can’t do that to the people around me.
The other decision I have made is that no one should ever have to go through this. And those that do should never have to feel alone. I know that, up until this point, all I have ever wanted to do is teach, but now, I want to make a difference in another way. I used singing to pull myself out of the gutter for the first time, and I know that the performance arts can have a massively positive affect on mental health, so I want to get my degree, and then use it to rescue people who are falling. Even if they don’t respond to the performance, I want them, and everyone to know they aren’t alone.
I want to save people. Not the world, the individuals. I know it won’t be financially great, and it will be long and hard work, but I don’t care. If I can stop even one person from feeling the way I do, right now, then I will consider my life a success.
I kind of need to run to Uni now. Thanks for reading, thanks for being there. I love you all.
Joe
Saturday 10 January 2015
Re:birth
What a long, strange trip it's been.
Life is a funny thing, doncha think?
Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.
There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then. You know what that says to me?
It tells me I'm better
The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.
I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.
I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.
No longer will my fears control me.
It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.
Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..
Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.
Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.
I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.
My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.
I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.
I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)
Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)
Life is a funny thing, doncha think?
Right now, I'm sitting here, feeling like I should be feeling shit. But I don't. I feel strong. Don't get me wrong, I was upset, but when something stagnates, you need to chop it off at it's source.
There was a time when I wouldn't be able to cope. There was a time when I'd just break down, but this time is not then. You know what that says to me?
It tells me I'm better
The point I've been reaching for, for such a long time now, I feel like I've arrived. I feel like I've taken back control of my life from that shit pit that it fell into. A whole world of possibilities and regrets await me. And I'm more than ready to face it, head on.
I know I said my last post would be my final one, but I am rescinding my end statement, for nothing is truly at an end. I shall not be blogging now to cope, but to relish in this life I have made and taken for myself.
I'm not afraid any more.
I'm not going to lose myself any more.
I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit.
No longer will my fears control me.
It's time to take risks. Jumping in where I would have run away. Falling off isn't so bad after all, just gotta brush off and try again.
Change is afoot, I can smell it in the air, feel its electricity floating all around me, and it's time I embraced it all. No more pushover, no more letting myself get taken advantage of. No more self destruction, no more keeping the toxic people in my life, just because it's easy..
Over the coming months, I'll weed out the poison in my life and remove it, so if you're part of the poison, though I doubt anyone taking the time to read this will be, then we'll soon be saying our goodbyes. Time to surround myself with my true friends, and the people who care about me.
Basically, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I'm not out to be liked by people that don't accept me. It's time to finally take off this mask and see the world for what it is, and to let myself be seen and shine.
I've realized how blessed I am to have as many diverse friends that I do, and though some I may speak to less often than others, I know they can be counted upon.
My Uni family is especially important to me, as they've got me through the shit times and aided my growth to this point, whether they were with us from day 1, or new joiners in year 3, they're the best group of friends anyone could ask for, and I want any of them that happen to read this to know how thankful and happy I am to be with them. Seriously, I couldn't have done it without all of you.
I now have a greater understanding of people, and myself, with everything that's gone on, so I'm not regretful at all. I can empathize with problems better, I can help more people because I've been in the shit and fought through it.
I still have my words, the one true art form, the window into myself, and the one constant in my life. I will continue to use them to better as many people as I can. I may still be crazy, but I'm crazy like a fox ;)
Time for Kexys to shine bright once again :)
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